you love oral sex because Of M 

You like an aggressive man because M forced you to Perform. 
 

You love being pushed around, being forced to perform and do tricks like circus animal. 

Your a dirty girl. 

Your a filthy w**re. 

You can’t be loved. Your a perverted freak.
 

all my relationships are a toxic blur. I’m trying to sort through it but it’s a huge mess. It feels like there is this horrible ugliness inside me.  

 

I got more promiscuous after I was sexually assaulted. I went on dates with men I barley knew and would let the man do what he wanted. Then I craved something different entirely. The way I can best explain it is apart of me felt I needed to be punished. And I wanted to find the people who could punish me. 
 I found one man online who took me to a hotel and invited his friends over. They hit me and blindfolded me and had me perform various sex acts. I was all for this. It felt liberating and was a huge rush. When I got home I could barley walk Or sit down because of an injury I sustained. I remember not being able to look at myself in the mirror. 
 

I feel disgusting. The more I think on it the more I realize Whatever preference I have comes from somewhere twisted.

I prefer older men because I’ve have always gotten attention from older men even as a child.

My relationships with men aren’t always healthy. In fact I seem to find emotionally unavailable men, toxic men or sexual deviants. 
 

I like it rough and I like the man to have control. 
what is wrong with me?!? 

 I feel like I am the problem and no matter how hard I try to find something good, I can’t . 
 I feel unworthy and like some sort of freak even though I haven’t done anything super crazy anymore. I still have some of those lingering desires. I’ve been afraid to talk about this for fear of judgment but then again what have I got to loose? 
 
This has been on my mind and ever present as I try to move forward. It feels good getting it out in the open. Even if I’m viewed as a disgusting, sick person. 

it’s been about five years now. You were in your thirties and I was 18 when we met. On our first date we had Chinese food and talked about ourselves, our families and the typical first date mumbo jumbo.

 Then we went back to your place and Learned more about each other in the physical sense. This was the basis of our relationship. Sex. This was fine at first but let’s be honest, after five years of the same type of sex, the same acts and circumstances etc.. things quickly became stagnant. Yet you seemed perfectly fine with things. This is partly my fault for not speaking up sooner.

 I dated you during the midst of a critical time in my life. And didn’t tell you what happened until the beginning of this year. I know you felt for me and you even opened up a bit more to me, for the moment then everything just went back to how it was. 

Clearly you have no interest in a serious relationship which is fine.  But I do. I want it now more than ever. What I can’t understand is why you are hanging onto me? We are doing each other no favors staying together. Why must you see me “one last time?”  Based On what our relationship has been, I can imagine what you want to do. 
 

I may be young but I have a much clearer idea of what I am looking for and your not it. I know it hurts to say goodbye but you represent a turning point in my life. A point I started growing up and now I have outgrown you. 
It’s time to go now. I wish you luck. 
Goodbye. 

I dreaded having to deal with what happened to me While combating and coming to terms with having a mental illness. It all seemed hopeless and daunting to say the least. For awhile I just struggled in silence. Unsure of which direction to take and how to bounce back.

I looked back and realized what I mistook for just teenage melodramas was a legitimate mental illness that had been amplified by my traumatic experience.  Even to this day it can be hell. One thing I have been teaching myself is to be patient and acknowledge what I’m struggling with and have faith that I will be ok while taking comfort that I am truly not alone and I have found good people to rely upon. 
 

when I started my journey of healing I didn’t expect to have bipolar disorder tacked on. But there are certain aspects I am comfortable with combating . Writing and music are two ways that have really helped me cope and reflect. Meditation has been very useful for me as well. 
 

Each day is different but paying attention to and acknowledging what symptoms I have been experiencing have become incredibly important. It’s an uncomfortable rollercoaster ride some days but if this illness is gonna be with me best to take it day by day and Learn to heal from the episodes then be swallowed up by it.