Sometimes I find myself lost in the dark. The daylight keeps me present, and the night takes me back. I start feeling tears stream down my face and I can't quite tell what they are from. Then I begin to feel like I am being sucked into a time loop. I am back at our old dirty apartment, sneaking past him as he sleeps...terrified he might wake up. My heart is racing, body tense then his eyes open. I flash forward to a new room. All of a sudden I am laying on a cot next to a stranger eyes wide open. My phone is flashing with messages reading I love you, I hate you, call me, I am changing the locks, I am burning all of your belongings, you will never see our cat again, call me, I love you... I curl into a ball and squeeze my eyes shut hoping it will be over. Only to open them again and be back in the present, realizing he is gone. I feel a sense of panic, comfort and yearning all at the same time. I miss him. I hate him. I love him. I despise him. It is over. Its been years. It feels like yesterday, but it has been years. I have moved on, I am happy remember? I squeeze my eyes shut again to make me wakeup, only to realize I am awake it will just never be over. As long as there is night, it will never be over. The night will sometimes take me back, I just have to learn to live with it.

I hate the night.

No matter how many years go by, and how successful I become I will never have what I use to. I lost more than just money I lost who I use to be. The world will never look the same as it once did, I will never be as trusting, loving, caring...I will never be innocent again. Its funny, I guess I don't really want to change what happened because I do like who I am now, but I do often wish I could be who I am now with the innocence I use to have. Seeing the world the way I do currently may make me who I am but it often times makes me sad as well. Ignorance in many ways is indeed bliss.

I miss not constantly looking over my shoulder when walking alone. I miss how I use to want to be a foster parent and take care of as many kids as possible. I miss the trust I use to have in doctors and professionals. I miss being able to blindly help anybody just because I thought everyone was nice inside. I miss the faith I had in people.

I do still believe that many people are good, but I now recognize that even the best people may not have the best intentions. I now know if you just trust blindly, and love everyone they will take and take until you have nothing left, then keep taking. Love is not enough. The world is set up so you have to fight for survival, fight for yourself. If you are not fighting for yourself instead always putting other people first like I use to you will be crushed.

I have learned that I can still be kind, but I can not be innocent.