🌹🌷🌸🌺🌻🌾🍁🌽🍀🌿🌱🌴🍃🍄

I am disappointed to say I am selfish carless suicidal passionate for life to gel others. I am a list. I hate myself I can not stand being me sometimes. If I would step back and look at myself. I see a lost hurt soul. A selfish person who thi ks to often of herself. A person who does not see the truth but paints these stupid dreams that I try to make reality.

what I see is this girl who denies any hurt or pain has ever been inflickted upon her. If it happened I was because you wanted it to. you can not take the blame . Hell I can't. This is not a fight. What is it? Remember- we are trying to work things out. We are running out of time. The garage must be dealt with. Yea! Why can we not just do it. Just dive in. Start it up what's the hold up? Fear- has a hold neglect- doubt- pain crying emotional influences. What- has been a part for some time now. Sorry- self inflicted pain I broke up when I did not want to heart ring😢 this is so stupid why do we half to walk down that road we are missing so much just now. Guys I am only I only have my husband in this sensitive time. I do not think he can be that guy thT I can lean on too much pain and damadge . All on me what the fy,k were you thinking when you went out of tour way to wreck things? I wanted to live life. Not watch it fo by. From a dark room.

you are all me so please cone together so I can be sane I want all the pieces to fit. All my peaces to fit. Can we not be whole am I forever broken . Is that not to make me stronger. Sorry about erasing what you said. Its a canon I do not wish to fire. I am sad empty but full of a heavy nothingness'.

I desire to go into a music store. Listen to music purchase what I want. My husband will never be ok with it because the internet has all we need bla bla bla. No it does not its different to go out as a family giggles songs along the way deciding what movie to watch as a group. Talking along the way its about fellow ship along the way .really the movie is a bonus. I want to find a friend but I suck at talking to people I have to much child like tendencies I have fun a lot but I am awkward. Who the hell am I?

I am the dirty secret. I am hurt. I am trapped. I am ashamed. I need to feel pain. Ineed to be punished. I need love. I need a person who can see the real me. I need to run away. I need to feel something. I need to be hurt. I deserve to be used. I am a BA person. I am miss understood. I can not let go off the fear I will be hurt again I loose weight. I. TERRIFIED. to the point I eat at the thought I lost 15 pounds I felt good. No pain. I got scars I almost have gained I back I still have 10 pounds to go. Its taking me a long to.e to gain it back I lost it quickly before. I do not want to live this way. But I do not want to be groped or looked at either😡.

I am feeling a bit shy is that hidden.? I just want to get to know y'all.

we are a team see thats where it gets confusing . A team all aware of when most of identities shift. But sometimes there are holes. Aww this is scary stuff. Its new it will be ok.

we have each other I wish hubby would join you but he is not a soul that gets this. Well what do you want to do tomorrow? I was thinking about the dressures and mirrors things need a nice shine and freshness yeah😝 lol you are to funny. So I wanna go for a walk. Oh the therapypapers need to be worked in to a routine.

hubby said you need to and will loose weight. Thats my decision and mine alone.

yes I want to. NO I DO NOT AND YOU KNOW WHY! woooow slow down ok we will compramise a middle place for now the goal is to get I shape not to loose weight. Deal

come on guys health issues are surfacing. Its now or never. There is kids involved a special needs few so they need her . Well first signs of men looking in a positive way we are regrouping for discussion. Got it. Deal. See we worked together fo team go. Ok that was corny. So what are we going to do about the garage? It must be done we moved to a nice place friendly town I wanna make a nice home hear the garage must be sorted in a months time and we area week in and zero results. I must move. I only want to keep important things. I know. We can find away to make it work. Think please tommorow I start moving my feet. So be ready I will need you guys to help I go blank when i step in the garage so push ok help me fun too pop out when you are needs and I need to be present to cook and socialize with my family otherwise guys go ahead and take full rein change my life for the better. We must settle things with our selves at this time you will be here always we are one the same night guys. Thank you for being here.💖 💜 💜 💖 💖 💖 💖 💖 💖

;)so lets see how this goes.

:'(yeah out loud

why not

please talk out loud

so its just the two of you right now. Wow this is interesting wanna talk to you guys more often now wounded people talk to them selves .

ok sure they do not have people talking back. Technically your all me

oh ok

so I am talking to two others. So kinda like a three way conversation but the one not talking is me lol

tricky

shy:'( scared antisocial for a reason.

SO DOES THIS MEAN I AM MENTAL?

I need to find a peaceful honest soul that can help me I am afraid and alone.👻

where do the watermelon grow- riddle age 3-9 some holes

California 😨

WHAT IF WE DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS?

I just want to get this over with so I can live in peace. Not in pieces of me.

TRI KY MY SELF STOPPIT CAME IN OK CAME IN SAID LETS DO THIS did not mean to leave all caps on for this one.✔it means something.

did I realm make all these riddles up lime barriers to get trough if i truly want to be free of what ever I. Hidden came in focus for you say distract stop it how old were you?

Stoppitt! Came in said ? Hidden thugs to who?            I never to stay out side woodcuting dad would take us someone ones to cut wood we would play in the fillds?

🔴 lost, fear

no one to turn to can not tell no one why? J told me to never say a word to anyone why what lies did he tell me or you or us about or patents

what happened that that died I was so happy befor that day. 💣 the day they did not save me I was truly alone three years old and my vibrant life drained to a dread and always and never could feel rich again so if I was as ask when is the Las time I remember feeling whole well thr earliest tainted memorie is at three.

holidays he was always around whispering in my ear. Poisonous hings evil ran through that man. Evil😣 I am torn between make it stop and get this over with. I just have to find a prace guys and we must be careful I tried to tell him hubby about me feeling off but he just does not understand.

hey maybe this is nothing

right

on so I can ser you are tired you need to use your machine rest

but you guys at not alays up to talking to me

no its that you push to stay busy and that your PTSD entergeres

I see well I look forward to getting to know you guys.

quietly so be careful. No the secret is ours to keep yeah you have a good reason you can not be judged for

distract came in what's up pizza yeah it does sund good ok so two behind the scenes swaped something message codes. Like secrete

OK WE ARE A TEA.M SO COMMON LETS WORK TOGETHER.

NOT SECRETS BETWEEN US BUT FROM HUBBY AND GIRLS SO YEAH WE CAN TALK IN MTHE HEAD AT TIMES BUT I DO NOT WANT TO LOOSE MYSELF THERE NO MATTER HOW HAPPY I AM I HAVE A FAMILY. THATS MY PRIORITY.

wow yea, I get it.

I have some errands to finish🔴

I need to do soemthing

I need to go to bed and I need to write but I need to find the birthcirtificate. Yes and I need to shower and I to get something you know.... ....... ........ .

and I'm saying goodnight but I want to write a boom but I wanna help people on the as and crisis line I just wanna be alone. I'm going to need to figger out how Manny of you there are and your goals and cpmpramise with one another. To make all happy

wow that his is confusing

who left Yu in charge ☑ wow do not start guys

why do we have to go this fought to get on with things agresstion? A introduction is comming

oh I see ok I need to go night y'all kids got first priority so be bad soon or sys see ya soon

then added how I bloodied him up in past I

🌑 i feel the need to focus on why i can not remember certain conversations.

🌑 why does my handwriting change

🌑 what does being influenced have to do with it. Its lil the only time all the leases fit and if sober then i act the Sam as when i am aware of there presence but only i dissociate it seems and i change like watching diffrrnt videos

🌑 i am stuck and afraid at how long this type of thing can take to heal or discover

completely irrisponsable go with the wind no consaquinesea can touch me.

then there's the eat till I am so gone:-o

then the forgotten one who allows things to slip by without notice. ;] I literally an not remember anything;]

I dream have goals wants I care.;O)

silly all un and games like a child

then finally there is a blank dark numbing just cold no matter the amount of heat or blankets it will not touch the insideO.O just blakness.

there are some I have not met but I'm not only when they talk to me.

it is exhausting listening to mean words pt me downs.(like please do not be that stupid)

I am in a place where I freeze up when someone is angry.

Ps I self medicated on food it worked

so yesterday there was a group of men playing Frisbee and they spoke in another language. The number was 7 it really triggering. I snapped at anyone who touched me or surprised me. I still am on edge and alone.

One day I hope to help reach people who have been hurt or is lost or looking for answers. I hope to have furthered my self to be a nurturer for others that is who I am. I love people I feel there pain more more than my own. I give all to any friend in need.

Having said that I am slapped in the face with reality. I was not there for my sis I listened but i could not stay in the moment i had to go in my head at times. I came back here and there to give encouragement. I tried i can not deal with the fact she was hurt. NOBODY especially the police helped. They covered up...........to long a story and its not mine to tell.

I do not trust police. Or anyone in uniform that carries' a gun or weapon of any kind. I have so Manny triggers. Some i lean as i go i can not control my mind when it brings flashes of unwanted memories i forgot them why can they not stay away. It's wrecking my life. I just want to get past the..... I could say certain words before but it's like i gone backwards. Does that mean i lost all my progress?

why am i so stuck?

TRIGGER WARNING ⚠ TRIGGERING

Please do not push yourself if you feel this is remotely going effect your emotional being please come bad another time.

TRIGGERING !‼

I know I was r*ped but it does not feel that way.😡

I was 11. He was my uncle U_U.

I felt confused from the moment he...

this is so hard why. I have talked about it before.

oh I think I get it . The younger me is trying to....

sorry this is a mess I no this does not make sense but for my sake and others who may be in my shoes I shall try. maybe I should wait the is a deeper walk into reality. What if mania hits. I am moving in the next couple days. It I time now wow um....this is awkward. I'm going to try to push it off a little longer. From my experience I go manic after such revelations. Sorry if the words I say do not make sense. I say it like I think it.

*I was 11. My uncle is mildly retarded. I do not hold him in hatred I still remain numb.

TRIGGERING IM GOING TO TELL THIS STORY DEALING WITH MY INNER CHILD PAIN.

TRIGGER WARNING ⚠ TRIGGER WARNING ⚠

I spent most of my time t my grandmas helping her. My aunt was severely retarded. I miss her so much. She and I shard a strong friendship I made her laugh alot and her me. We would play games together. She would pretend she could not feed herself. But I never told other wise its her secret to keep. I would do chores to help out I did not mind. I was very comfortable there more than my home. My parent's fought way to often cops would show up. I would half to get help.

*one night I stayed the night and I always treated my uncle and aunt like anyone else. Respect and anyway I went to say goodnight to my uncle D he was laying down. He said come here. I have always did what I was told:( he took off my pants and panties. He picked me up put me straddling him. The moment he undressed me. I started spacing. His big hands hurt my waist. He shifted me and put his hand under me he wiggled himself against me. He grabbed my waist squeezing my hips together shoving me back and forth on him. I went inside my head but I could feel the movements but I felt no pain just pressure. After he stopped. He slid me off. He said that did not feel right we will not do it again. He meant it. He never touched me again. I sit there for a long time in his bathroom. Disoriented staring off in space not seeing anything its like the numbing was so loud I could hear it. I o not know how long I was sitting there I came back to the present and I could feel soreness and messy I began to clean my self off. He was snoring. I sat there for a while more then walked oddly out of his room. I never remembered this till two years and 6months ago. 6months ago I acknowledged I am the girl in my stories. I had a personality change. I wound up wrecking some important things to me permanently /repeat. Now I am on my last try. Turns out I repressed it. I done this so effectively Manny times. Someone told me its a coping mechanism of so it allowed room or more opportunity's for future repeats.