I was visiting my parents for a longer weekend (late Friday evening – Thuesday afternoon). I had basically two missions.  One was succeedly done. I had planned that I would ask my cousin´s mom how I was as a child. Unfortunately there didn´t come any change for that. Secondly I had planned to go and visit an old friend and her mom. The old friend was just visiting her parents over the weekend, what I had forgotten about. So we didn´t meet up. I did meet the mother, who was the person I really had to meet (we had been talking with my T about this meeting).

I didn´t tell anybody that I went to the mom, called Ica. My parents both think she is gossiping too much. Which isn´t true when it comes to serious things. I went there on Monday evening. I had no expectations over the meeting. First we talked about this and that. I haven´t met Ica in aaaaages. Perhaps in almost fifteen years or so. Then I got into serious stuff. I asked if she remembers when I was as a child with my ear to her (she was a health nurse). She didn´t and I can believe that, since she´s having MS and I did notice that her memory isn´t as it was before.

Perhaps it will seem a bit out of the blue all things, since I haven’t yet got my story written… Basically all things she told me had I thought of in some way before. And some of them I have heard before, I just can´t recall when and from who. I have always had a feeling that my abuse had began when I was younger than I have remembered. Until recently I have thought it began at seven years old. Well, the mm told me that her daughter (the friend I was supposed to meet) had also been tried on; she had given dad a slap and after that dad hadn´t tried on her anymore. This had happened when I was around 4-5 years old. So pretty much younger I would say than a seven years old girl. I also go to know (this is one thing I recall I have heard before) that one of the children dad was a boat taxi driver to had been molested by my dad. I don´t know how much. He drove the children from their island to a bigger society. One other thing she told me was that I was many times screaming (indoors) when she walk by our house. Once she had met my dad with me screaming on his knee. Dad´s explanation for my screaming was that I had been silly. At the same time Ica did think that my position in my dad´s lap was really strange (like sexy like). Then had my mom also asked Ica when I was a baby where the “girly hole” is. Ica thought this question is a pretty strange question.

As usual dad got angry when I came home and told him where I had been. As I thought, the only thing he was upset for was that now would Ica gossip around the village. I told him that he have to tell mom where I had been. I think he told her first after we went home since she didn´t say a word of my “visit to a friend”.

And here I am now, I don´t really care about how my parents think anymore. It is their problem if they let other people control their lives. It took me over a half a week to get to the point where I don´t have the feelings on the surface anymore. I am somehow numb (my feelings). I do get anxiety, really bad nausea (anxiety) and the last few days I have been reacting with that I have been sweating aaaaa lot (by doing nothing). My body has been reacting also by being more aching, unfortunately. And I am feeling used that I haven´t been feeling in many years. I hadn´t thought that I would feel all this, since I basically knew everything, but I do.

I am not sure how to explain this... As a child I had problems with ear infections. We were so many times to the local health nurse. Every time I was there as a child (I can´t remember how old I was) the health nurse she was wondering if I had something to tell her. That if there was something else than the ears bothering me. Every time my mom said to me before I went in to the "nurse" that I shuldn´t tell the nurse anything. I can´t imagine that the nurse didn´t think that there wasn´t something I didn´t tell her. The health nurse was also my childhood friend's mother so I could say I lived at their place as a child.

Well.. Now when I am at my parents place I have been in contact with the dauther of the health nurse. Why the dauther? The health nurse have multiple sclerosis. I wanted to be in contact with the dauther to ask if I could visit the health nurse. And perhaps ask her if she remembers anything from my childhood. How I was and if she did expect something was wrong when I was a child. IF the helath nurse is up to this. Today I sent the dauther a message and she said I could at once come and visit them.

Well... I did was too afraid to go there at once. Now I will see if I will go there in the afternoon. I am nervous about it. Also just since I will be questioned aboout my life nowadays. The 1000 questions. lol. I just have to see how I feel then and hopefully I just go there and see what´ll happen.

Pocketriders would be appreciated as well as chearing! lol Hugs!

I am so empty. Empty of words. At the same time I feel like I am dizzy and have no clue what´s going on around me. Like in clouds. I feel like I am bubbling of words, but it is like the bottle of Champagne that can´t be open. These feelings makes me nervous and frustrated. Something wants to come out... but WHAAAAT!!!!

I know I shouldn´t try so much, since then it never comes out of there.

I don´t know if this also have to do with this in some way. I am getting breathless so easily nowadays. This past week has been difficult and I have noticed that some feelings want to come out when I am exhausted/breathless after a fast walk or so. I am feeling at that moment SO much heartbreak and pain in the chest so I get difficult to breath. It feel like I don´t get any air at all. And I feel that there is something wanting coming out, but I just can´t get it out. When I am breathless and trying to take a second of pause after the outbreathing, I am getting anxiety and the hole world starts to spinn (mentally, not physical problems). I feel like wanting to hit somebody, or to punish somebody. As it wouldn´t be enough that it is hard to breath out, I also have difficult to breath in. All this with the breathing comes from when I was faking I was sleeping as a child (I had to sleep calmly and quitely)...

I feel like I have to be sorry today! Feeling like I am the little girl again, that has done something she shouldn´t have done. hmm... I have just been actively here at AS today and also bought those bracelets. Okey mom called me, but these feelings I have, I did also have before the call. Her calling didn´t really help me though. I can´t see anything wrong with what I have done today. This is n´t the first time I am feeling like I am feeling now.

What is it that holds me back to be on the forum.... hmm...

I have had it now for a while. When I am not tneced or stressed I can read books, websites etc really good. then suddenly it gets blurry and the sentences in a text gets blurred into each other. I have been thinking it´s my eyesight but on the other hand it could be related to that every time this is happening I am reading something importent. Like here at the AS or a book for my studies. Strange I think! I will get my sight checked up in the autumn.

Yeah! Finally I choosed what I want... I did it bigbaaang, so I did shop kind of two different.

This and this (mixed)!

I don´t know... one part of the process is the hunt of the product itself... So what´s next?!! lol

I don´t care if it´s sold as a "breast cancer wristband" the one that it´s teal awareness... I know why I bought it.

Happy me!

Okey, this is what I have written in the Venting section. Though, I want to say a bit more here. At my own page.

I know I perhaps overloaded as so many times, when buying them both (or so many). In the end I do want some that have the "message" and then I want those that are neutral (perhaps I would have found something better than silicon bracelet...). I want as simple as possible. Perhaps I also thinking that I need something simple since I already got a fitness tracker on one wrist. Well... Now I just have to wait hmm... about a week. Hopefully I will get the bracelets in the end of next week. Waaaaaiting!!!

I do remember that last time I looked at these wristbands I thought it was too difficult to find "the one" for me. I can´t even remember when it was. Perhaps a couple of years ago. I do think that in the end I wasn´t ready then. Now I am! And I do think that I will also say that the bracelet is for my anxiety/depression to most of the people, not the incest. That is why I also chose to buy the mixed selection of colors, since there I can use the colors I just like, the orange... And also the green. I haven´t got it really, if there is a certain color that means something certain or is it perhaps depend a little where you seek for the explanations of the colors.

I think it will be THIS as first. Then I have got so much others that I would like to have but the amount isn´t right. These two are ones I also look at. I would like to have thin wristbands like this or then it also would be great to have one that is just 1/4 as this. I am having such hard time to choose, that I am getting crazy about this... tihiii

• ·         Body lotion (Ldb)

• ·         Lip fat (round yellow Vaseline)

• ·         To drink alcohol (spec. Wiskhey)

• ·         "Love you"

• ·         Oral sex

• ·         Touching my hubby

• ·         Sex magazines

• ·         Tickled by mouth in the neck/throat areas

• ·         Getting the seeds on my stomach (TW)

• ·         Followed/scared in the dark (more like a children joke or is there more to it)

• ·         A special smell of colon

• ·         “Good girl”

• ·         Highbeds

• ·         Male

• ·         Going by certain places with boat (not the sea/water)

• ·         Someone telling me to "calm down"

• ·         Toothpaste

I have for a long time been wondering if I should blog or not. And why not.
Since it´s just for us at AS and not as eg the ones at wordpress.com.
Here I know I will be both private (anybody can´t read this) and also I do (hopefully) get followers in time that do understand from where I come.
So I will give it a try, though English isn´t my native language, I will indeed write in English.

Hopefully you´ll have fun!