Figuring Stuff Outhttps://www.aftersilence.org/forum/index.php?/blogs/blog/347-figuring-stuff-out/ I guess I joined this group because I need to hear the stories of people who have been through what I've been through. I never really had a strong female figure trying to make an impression on how I see the world, so I grew up comparing myself and seeking the acceptance of males. It landed me in a pretty abusive relationship and it's left a long lasting effect on me that I don't think I can really comprehend right now. For the first time in my life, I can't rationalize my emotions away - and I'm not really sure how to handle it. 

]]>enI'm just feeling so conflictedhttps://www.aftersilence.org/forum/index.php?/blogs/entry/1071-im-just-feeling-so-conflicted/ I keep having this back and fourth in my head because I haven't found anyone who genuinly understands what's happened to me.

I'm only 19 and I feel like the victum of domestic violence, i was never married, but I look at other survivors and know their pain deeply, yet feel ashamed compairing myself to them, because my pain could never be as bad as someone who was married for years.

It seems like my story isn't "violent" or "serious" enough for people to absorb what happened. The violent physical and mental pain from my whole experience is just blanketed by.....people thinking I'm over reacting. 

I have people saying what happened to me wasn't even rape because I didn't "fight" him off of me, or that I didn't scream. They think because I was in a relationship with him that it doesn't count as rape.

They think because I didn't tell anyone for years, that it wasn't serious enough at the time.

I don't want to bother any of my family or friends with my pain. He would always make up stories and blow things out of proportion to get attention. It made people resent him. I don't want to become like him. 

]]>1071Sat, 05 Mar 2016 22:46:31 +0000I Guess It starts herehttps://www.aftersilence.org/forum/index.php?/blogs/entry/1070-i-guess-it-starts-here/ It's long, but it's pretty much everything on my mind. I don't know how to handle what's happened to me. The self-blame and the invalidation i feel is overwhelming. I feel unworthy to tell other sexual violence survivors my story because.....it doesn't seem....as bad of a story as other people. I would feel guilty about complaining about what happened to me because it's nothing near as bad as what other women have gone through - yet what happened still hurts in a profound way.

I_Guess_I'm_Going_to_Say_This.mp4

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