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About this blog

My very first blog ever 

Entries in this blog

Entry

Weekend-end

So the weekend is ending. I was supposed to rest and be gentle with myself. Turned out opposite.  On the bright'ish side, I slowly started to realize that I was raped. I knew that logically, and remember it. But strangely, after this long time, I had this small realization how badly I got hurt. I also realized that I've been triggered today and on other occasions, and didn't know it's a trigger. I believed that I was freezing because I'm some kind of non grown up old wuss... My mi
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Entry

Sunday

The Sunday didn't start well. The tension between me and wife will most likely explode later in the day. 
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Memory

Therapy day

Today was intense therapy related. I got back to EMDR after months of pause. I felt squished, my chest and throat burned. This time I go without expectations or "I have to do this" attitude. I want to take preferably last look at the past and let it go, not just hide and bury it.  It's been a long time I haven't seen my abuser's face. This time I was able to pull this image very clearly. Looks like I'm still scared of him, based on my reaction.  The worst, I think, was when My t
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Entry

Back to EMDR

Together with my therapist we think I'm ready to go back to EMDR. My  attitude and expectations have shifted. Previously I looked at it as fixing a long broken bone. So basically break it again and put back in order. It was a task. One that can be failed, and which I've been failing. Despite going round and round in my memories I couldn't find any emotions regarding them. This time I'm finally free of this success failure mentality. I will take one last look behind and leave them in the pas
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Entry

Back to work

I returned to work. I'm surprised how calm and relaxed I am in contrast to how I felt 2 weeks ago when I decided to prolong medical leave.
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Entry

Start

Well, here I am writing blog. I'd never think I would do one. Doesn't hurt trying I guess ...
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Not so good Saturday

Yesterday was a crappy day. I felt worse after therapy day earlier plus I had a lot of friction with my wife.  I let myself cry a bit in the toilet.   
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