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A blog by bart27830 in General

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About this blog

My very first blog ever

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Entry

Weekend-end

So the weekend is ending. I was supposed to rest and be gentle with myself. Turned out opposite. On the bright'ish side, I slowly started to realize that I was raped. I knew that logically, and remember it. But strangely, after this long time, I had this small realization how badly I got hurt. I also realized that I've been triggered today and on other occasions, and didn't know it's a trigger. I believed that I was freezing because I'm some kind of non grown up old wuss... My mi

bart27830 in Entry

October 12, 2025

Entry

Sunday

The Sunday didn't start well. The tension between me and wife will most likely explode later in the day.

bart27830 in Entry

October 12, 2025

Entry

Not so good Saturday

Yesterday was a crappy day. I felt worse after therapy day earlier plus I had a lot of friction with my wife. I let myself cry a bit in the toilet.

bart27830 in Entry

October 12, 2025

Memory

triggers Therapy day

Today was intense therapy related. I got back to EMDR after months of pause. I felt squished, my chest and throat burned. This time I go without expectations or "I have to do this" attitude. I want to take preferably last look at the past and let it go, not just hide and bury it. It's been a long time I haven't seen my abuser's face. This time I was able to pull this image very clearly. Looks like I'm still scared of him, based on my reaction. The worst, I think, was when My t

bart27830 in Memory

October 10, 2025

Entry

Back to EMDR

Together with my therapist we think I'm ready to go back to EMDR. My attitude and expectations have shifted. Previously I looked at it as fixing a long broken bone. So basically break it again and put back in order. It was a task. One that can be failed, and which I've been failing. Despite going round and round in my memories I couldn't find any emotions regarding them. This time I'm finally free of this success failure mentality. I will take one last look behind and leave them in the pas

bart27830 in Entry

October 5, 2025

Entry