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November Community Collaboration--This month's theme is: "My Survivor Bill of Rights Include..." ×
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"you couldn't even imagine"

this dream was strange. i know i'm a verbal thinker, and all my parts are articulate to various extents, and them literally speaking to me is one of the most common ways i reexperience. but normally nightmares are different, normally nightmares are visual and tactile. but this... i dreamt of a part talking to me. it wasn't any of the ones i thought i knew. i see now. little jaime wasn't secretly three other parts. she was secretly protecting three other parts. when she leapt from the tower
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Daisy

"If she even could hear me, what am I supposed to say? 'I see you, I love you, you're safe now?' What good would that do? She thinks she's happy to be in pain. Like if I said 'I see you...'" "Do you like what you see?" "I love you..." "Aww, I love you too! [lie]" "... You're safe now." "I know that, silly! There's no safer place to be than in his bed, where he's going to violate me again and remind me I'm wanted." Until I finished writing this example of why I 
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Alice and Lucy

Late last night, thanks to the help of a friend, I was able to bring Alice home. The one I had been calling "Plead." I have a gut feeling as to why she chose that name. She seems to hold things around the suitcase. "Why am I here?" She holds a memory of waking up drugged in an unfamiliar place, as if taken to a twisted sort of wonderland. And she holds mom yelling at her, but also the grief of losing her... And I projected mom into a stuffed rabbit... Alice wants to follow the rabbit. She w
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Trying to identify body responses

Lately I've found it really helpful to identify ways my body responds to triggers. I can't always identify my mind's responses. Feelings come up that I don't allow myself to feel. But my body can't pretend not to feel them. Earlier today someone told me my toxic way of looking at trauma is because I want to be able to feel like I deserve to be saved, because I'm caught between not feeling like I deserve it and feeling like I need it. That cut deep, but the only way I could actually tell for
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Once again trying to understand what's going on in this head

I've been reading about structural dissociation. There's no question that either primary or secondary structural dissociation is what I've been dealing with, and for awhile now I've been assuming primary, because I thought the only EP was little Jaime. That's why I called her that, after all. But can one EP hold multiple traumas? Does it work like that? Or do you always split off into a different one for a different type of experience? The highly vocal and articulate EP, the one who wa
rabbitprotectsme

rabbitprotectsme in progress

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i may be slightly plural after all

please pardon that i've been posting a lot since i came here. this process is just suddenly happening very rapidly for me. it's caught me off guard and is overwhelming. i do want to heal, of course i want to heal, but i wouldn't mind if the healing would maybe calm down a little bit. since my experience a few days ago ive felt bad and icky about being naked for any period of time. this has made it emotionally challenging, albeit doable, to do things like showering and changing clothes. i fe
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i was able to tell the dev team what's going on

this is what i wanted to ask for advice on in that thread, the one where i then got really upset and edited it to "please disregard" and then had that somatic flashback. whatever was stopping me, maybe i worked through it with that. i was able to tell them the truth about why i've been away. no one has reacted yet. doubtful they've even seen it. but i halfway don't care anymore how they react. i've done what i needed to do. now i can only wait.
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