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About this blog

I was named after a song that has no words by monsters with no hearts. I am nameless to my core and so are my alters. They only give me one letter as identification. 
My hope is to find my real name along my recovery journey. 

Entries in this blog

DID awareness

Whiny little bit*h

Hear the snapping sound? A deer’s gentle hoof on dried ground Or my mind about to give way   The roaring voice I hear inside Like waves breaking with the tide It’s easier to tell you that I am okay   But it’s a lie, as you already know The light went out long ago An empty void, cold and gray   Feeling like wasted space Despite hearing that’s not the case Too pathetic to run away   I shouldn’t be allowed to speak
ShyUnicorn

ShyUnicorn in DID awareness

7
DID awareness

Rage

I am aware now I can think of 2 contributing factors for this outburst: I have been experiencing an abnormally heavy menstrual cycle for the past 12 hours. Any amount of this cycle makes my hormones do irregular things that my usual medication dosage struggles to contain. I had a very busy work week and was so exhausted I had been dozing off while standing up, actively doing repetitive tasks. I decided to sleep I this morning and did not realize that choice would result in taking
ShyUnicorn

ShyUnicorn in DID awareness

5
DID awareness

Little i is not done

I turned to a fresh page in my book. My hand was scribbling furiously again but not generating the simple shapes of J’s primitive drawing style. She had disappeared. I had really wanted to spend more time with J, but she stepped aside as abruptly as she had arrived. Who is this? What are you showing me? At first glance, it looks like a jumble of squiggly lines. Then, a shape begins to emerge … a large circle in the middle where all of the lines are converging. It looks like a blac
ShyUnicorn

ShyUnicorn in DID awareness

3
DID awareness

J’s skewed perception

Almost as soon as little i was done drawing, I drew a new picture in my book. But this time it was not little i. The feeling is different. Even the drawing style is completely different … almost like a primitive cave drawing with simple, featureless human forms. When the drawing is done, she starts a new one. Then another. Yet another! Finally, she stopped after 6. Each one is nothing more than a small thumbnail sketch. Each sketch features a dark room that I remember fr
ShyUnicorn

ShyUnicorn in DID awareness

3
DID awareness

Silent, little i

I felt a sting while reading someone else’s post this morning and went back. I had  skipped over one word -strangled- and it felt like I was slapped in the face for overlooking it. Slapped by the dog’s leash. A silent little i was showing me the dog’s leash and collar. The dog died when I was about 6yrs old so this memory comes from a time before that. We had a fenced in yard and the dog was let out there to do his business. The leash was only used for the occasional vet visit. Its primary
ShyUnicorn

ShyUnicorn in DID awareness

2
DID awareness

Going with Z

Spazzy. Very spazzy. Racing thoughts. Thoughts racing by too fast for me to type them. I get lost in them and then realize I’m still typing. But I’m not controlling it. I’m not even aware of the movement. I wonder if this is DID. Maybe there’s someone else running the show. Maybe they’re typing too. I doubt that because they can’t keep up and sometimes have different ideas about what I should be saying/typing … and thinking? Maybe. I’m going with the 2 separate entities theory. And one of t
ShyUnicorn

ShyUnicorn in DID awareness

4
DID awareness

Dear S

Dear S, I would like to thank you for stepping forward and showing yourself so clearly to me yesterday. You have always been unique in comparison to the rest; brave and bold are not typically how I describe myself. Those traits made me apprehensive at first, but I felt like you shared your energy yesterday so that I could meet you eye-to-eye.  For the first time you did not take control but, instead, just guided me. I really appreciate you taking the time to slowly walk through past si
ShyUnicorn

ShyUnicorn in DID awareness

1
DID awareness

Her name is S

S … sinister, silky, sensuous, serpentine  Those are the clue words she gave me. I don’t know her name but it certainly begins with S.  She is dominant and completely in control of everything in the room. She doesn’t come out much anymore and that’s for the best. She used to run the show and that show nearly ran me into the ground because it is the equivalent of having both thigh-high stiletto boots pressing the gas pedal to the floor.  She’s responsible for tying someone over a b
ShyUnicorn

ShyUnicorn in DID awareness

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