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About this blog

dealing with family conflicts, honour related violence, abuse and rapes

Entries in this blog

Hello Again

I am supposed to be doing better. Why? Because I left those who are hurting me, grandparents, uncles, and basically everyone on my fathers side of the family. I am dead to them. This decision was necessarily, I know that, but it´s not something I wanted. I wanted to be able to live in peace with everyone. But they wouldn´t let me go so I had to take that step. How do I feel? Empty, scared, sad. I might have lost my father by doing this. And that breaks my heart. My depression and anxiety has go
hayatee

hayatee

0

No Progress

Today I looked trough my journal. Well it´s not so much a journal, but more like a book to get my feelings out when it´s too much going on in my head. No dates, just notes, sometimes I ramble on for pages, sometimes it´s just some words or a drawing. One of the first things I wrote was right after the third rape, so sometime in January this year. Sometimes I feel so empty. Like I have shut down and can´t feel anything. I don´t have the energy to think. When I do, it´s all bad thoughts and horrib
hayatee

hayatee

0

Destroying Myself

These last days have been really bad. I got some new meds to improve my sleep. Well I did sleep for 12 hours straight but for two days after I felt tired, dizzy, sick, I couldn´t even leave my bed. Today I went out, only to see my therapist. These last couple of times I haven´t been able to talk. Like I think I am going crazy, I am so angry at myself. Why can´t I talk? I look forward to each session, because I love my therapist but when I am there I just can´t talk. Shit, I hate myself so much.
hayatee

hayatee

4

What´s New? Nothing

I haven´t gone out in days. I just lie in bed and read. Sometimes I watch tv-series as a break from reading. I cuddle my cat. This is what my life has become. No social life, no friends, no school, nothing. I have lost everything. My self. I don´t know who I am anymore. And I am afraid of living. I am just stuck. I can´t go back, I can´t move on.
hayatee

hayatee

2

The War Around Me, The War Inside Me

When people tell me that I have my whole life ahead of me, that I shouldn´t give up because it gets better, I tell them that I don´t want to think about my future because I really don´t think I have something good waiting for me. These 20 years I have lived have been filled with sorrow and pain. Not that I haven´t felt happiness and I do have good memories. But I know I will never be happy again. I am forever caught in a battle between choosing my freedom and hurting my family or choosing my fam
hayatee

hayatee

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