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Entries in this blog

Heart thoughts

A letter to a person from my past.

The thing Is that, I know you'll have days where you regret your decision to leave me, and hell, I'll even have days where I regret accepting that decision...but the fact Is, I had to...and I did. At the time, I hoped you'd known what that decision would really intake, and If I tried to guess, I don't think you've really felt the weight of It...and maybe you won't really feel It only after a few years In the future, but that would be another guess... I don't think you expected me to di
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Upset

Struggling through depression with my new diagnosis of BPD

Hello everyone. I guess It's been a minute but I hope everyone's doing okay. I really want to say I'm doing well but, I've recently felt like I've fallen In a wave of sadness, and It hasn't been an easy one compared to some depression episodes I've had In the past. I recently got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (also known as BPD), because of my prolonged depression over the years (that has been on and off) and a few other symptoms including my inability to remain In a s
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Existing

Being forgotten

"Being forgotten when you die" Isn't very likely to happen to people...statistically....apparently...according to some youtube video I saw.... And, In the comment section of that same youtube video, people seemed to be relieved, glad that didn't happen. They we're glad somone would remember them after they passed, because even if they weren't conscious of It, their memory would live on... And when I think about that...when I think about all of this, I don't feel relieved....I don't fee
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Upset

Are we real friends?

The more I keep growing, the less I understand friendships. These days, I feel like I have to question everyone who's around me. What are their intentions? are they nice people? are they nice people sometimes, and other times not so much? can I trust them In difficult times? or will they abandon me like others have In the past?....are they trying to get something from me? Is It security? entretainment? Is it nostalgia or memories from the past? do I even mean anything to them right now?...
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Heart thoughts

And that’s love

I think some people are meant to just come Into your life for a bit, and then leave.  In that time you may learn a few things…about them, about yourself, about the world. You may have fun with them too and enjoy their company, their energy. As well as feeling safe enough to feel sad or cry about whatever Is heavy on your heart. It may feel like there’s an Infinite number of things you could talk about with this person. It convinces you that it’ll never end, even if it’s for a smal
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Existing

Fitting Into a “box”

I’ve been afraid to write anything for a while because I now have a new fear where I’m scared of people thinking I’m always “bad”, or always going through something…which Is not true, at least I don’t think It’s that simple. I think this place became so comfortable for me that at a certain point, I only came here to share all my Issues…and maybe I made It seem like that was all there was In my life… My days are usually filled with “gray areas”. Good and bad things happen to me all the
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Upset

I've written letters to everyone that has left me

Just so you know, If you left me, you have a letter. Or, multiple If I really liked you. And silly me, I probably played a million different scenarios In my head where I got to tell you everything you didn't want to hear once you came back. Of course, you never came back, so my words got eaten up In my brain forever. I don't even remember half of the things I "complained" to you about In my head. However, I do remember the feeling once I knew you wouldn't come back, one so very familiar. A
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Upset

How we let perpetrators get away (HUGE tw)

The perpetrator who's masking as a good guy will tell a joke. A joke so unsettleing that makes us question If there was some truth to It. And we'll all laugh an uncomfortable laugh. We'll even doubt If we're allowed to do so and look around for comfort, but we'll find that none of us have the answer, or, even worse, that none of us want to give It away. We'll pretend It didn't happen and look the other way, since that's the thing we're best at, believing someone will take care of It an
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Heart thoughts

So many flashbacks

So I got tested positive for covid a week ago--( I don't have It anymore though) and things have been really difficult for me. For context I was already feeling like I was In some sort of "lockdown" because I'd just quit my job plus my summer vacations had started, so all I've done Is stay at home. I kinda forget every now and then, that when I lose a routine I get severely depressed. (Like yes I'm already deressed, but It comes In a bigger wave when I stop going out). It's generally h
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Existing

Putting out fires

At home I don't feel at one. Let's be fair, I never will If I haven't by now, but should I keep putting out fires? I think I've reached a point where I don't know wether to choose to put out another fire or start to build myself a life, even if It's a slow one. If I choose my dreams, It'll be slow and I'll still have to put up with poor living, doubting everyday If I can stand It anymore, not knowing If I'll eventually lose my mind because of It. If I choose a home, I'll never hav
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Upset

My stupid ex (lol)

I don't think I talk about my love life here much. I always wanted It to be separate from the rest of my healing journey but, the truth Is It's very much Intertwined and In fact, I have always known It was. I just haven't always been comfortable with my sexuality or my sex life/love life In general to share It. I mean I don't blame myself, I did have to hide most of It (having been groomed and all that, I also hid away from my own desires because my abuser made me believe It was a sin to pleasur
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Existing

an observation

I've noticed I come here to vent most of the time, to speak the things I can't say out loud on a daily basis. Sure, I get some of It out on therapy but I can't go that often because of my income, so I end up coming back here. It's not necesarily a bad thing, but I'm wondering If I can talk about other things? maybe keep things light once In a while. That might be a good change.
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Heart thoughts

A divorce and its history

My dad and my stepmom are getting a divorce. Those are the news at my home, or...well It's not my home, and you'll know why In a second. For context, just a few weeks before my stepmom asked my dad for a divorce, she wanted to claim the house as her own, In case anything would happen to my dad (which I understand because my dad shouldn't be working at his age and has had a lot of problems regarding economic safety as well as his own personal health). He' s 75 years old, just so you get the
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Heart thoughts

Loud

Did I ever tell you It was okay to be as loud as you wanted? be as much as you wanted? Imagine being alone In an empty room with some eco In it...knowing you, you'd probably start singing a little tune to hear how It sounds. Eco's are an interesting sound, right? so why wouldn't you try It out, and If you're alone you could do It as much as you wanted to, as much as you needed to. No one would tell you to stop or say that you were being too loud, too much. There's nothing inherently wrong w
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Heart thoughts

2 lonely readers

it's been a long time since I've written anything here. I've wanted to though, but mostly I haven't had time or been too exhausted to write. Yeah...even writing was exhausting. I gotta be honest, It's not much different from how I'm writing right now because I still feel drained almost everyday. But If I stop writing It'll make It worse. Writing has always been a good way to cope with things, at least to me. I like to think of this place as a space for to readers to exist together. It'
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Existing

Not having a place

(I use the Older Version of me as OV, and the Younger Version of me as YV to avoid confusion) YV: I wish we were safe. I feel like you run around when things happen at the house and It makes me feel scared, like I don't know what's gonna happen next... OV: I know, I wish we had a better place to stay too...our own place, but for the moment we just have to keep moving, we have no choice.... YV: But why don't you slow down? why can't you see that I can't run as fast as you do and I'
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Fun

Me now: "so you're the main character huh?" (a bit of silliness)

bbme: I think so! at least that's how I feel. I like playing my part, I mean I know I'm not the only one here, but Isn't It fun to play the hero? to be the plot of the movie?. It's like I'm a part of something big, like I'm special, do you think I'm special? It's certainly a nice feeling. Who knows, sooner or later the FBI will contact us for a big mission and we have to be there ASAP!!! we just have to be ready....If there's an emergency In the world I would gather all my friends and then the g
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Upset

Old me: "My little one, why are you crying?"

Little me: "I don't like when people talk down to me, petty me, feel sorry for me. My dad always lets me win and then denies It...my brother has done that a few times too. It makes me feel like I'm not smart enough, like I can't do things by myself. Yes, losing can be upsetting, but I like losing better than people feeling like I need to be pushed. Older me Is working a new job and It's really hard on her, sometimes It wears her out completely, I don't know how she got there, I would be so
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Existing

Old me: let's have a talk kid, here sit next to me...

bby me: okay, Is there something wrong?...are you mad at me? Old me: Not at all, I'm never mad at you, I will always love you no matter what, I just wanna know how you're doing...I know sitting down can make you nervous because you relate It to being punished but I promise you that you're okay, you're safe. bby me: Okay. Well, I've felt lonely lately, sort of like everthing's empty. I miss my old room, my toys, my friends, It feels like there's nothing. Do you know If...It gets better?
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Upset

Old me: "Hey you, I saw you cried today, what happened?"

bby me: "Hi. Yes I think I did, but this time I wasn't holding It back like I always do. Tears are meant to be shown, I am supposed to cry when I'm supposed to cry. I think that's why It's been so long since you cried big sis...because when you had the opportunity you'd never let It happen. I know how you feel, I felt embarrassed too, to cry In front of everyone...believe It or not there's so much shame In crying for women as well...everyone really... When people cry they say "I'm sorry", t
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Intro to my blog

Conversations with my Inner child

Hey everyone, I thought I'd let you know what this blogging Is all about. I thought I'd start a little journey between me and my little self. I know she has a lot to give, a lot to offer and I wanna hear her out... Some posts I might be stritcly talking personally with my Inner child, other times she might do the talking, who knows (like maybe my child-self had fun one day because she got to jump In a trampoline and wants to share that experience). I do wanna state however that, her and I a
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