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Gordy

A blog by Gordy in General

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About this blog

Blind stupid persistence.

Entries in this blog

Just ridiculous

As I mentioned I told my brother that I was trying to remember, and ever since then I've been sitting here worrying about how my family is going to punish me for this. I was the nerd Avenger in school, punch a nerd I'd punch you. I once got in a fight with the entire defensive line of my high School football team because I got to a guy kicked off the team because he punched a nerd in class and I climbed all over him. I was once in an armed standoff with law enforcement, over the harass
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Memories

On the first farm we lived on I remember bailing hay. We were riding back to the barn on top of the hay wagon. The load collapsed and we fell off the wagon. I broke my feet in two places. I had to help reload the wagon and partially stack it in the barn before E would let M take me to the hospital. I really wasn't much help , I was an 8 or 9-year-old boy with a broken foot . But he felt he needed to toughen me up .  I remember at the first house we lived at he would line the 3 of us naked f
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Random memories

Since I talked to my brother I had a few more flashes come out. We lived in a house, I believe it was the 2nd farm, that had a basement with a real low ceiling. I was probably only 7 or 8 and my head just barely cleared the joists. I liked playing down because E don't like going down there becuase it was so low.  Because I was down there alone I think just me and him were home. I remember him angrily yelling for me to come up. I remember seeing him at the top of the stairs outline
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3 things

1. sorry if I am blogging to much. I not a real big sharer in the real world but this seems like here I just talking to myself. Which I do a lot .lol 2.After reading some of the stories here I cannot help but feel I got off light. I know that pretty standard but I am having a not quite human day. Which is kind of my default mode. And 3. Yesterday when I talked to A he said that after the divorce was granted I cried for a week because I didn't go live with E. I don't remember the t
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Annoying

So last night After I blogged A called. We're probably on the phone 30-40 minutes. Most of it was him trying to talk me out of trying to remember. Him saying you know I'll help you remember cuz you know I remember all of it but I don't see why you're doing this. Some of it was him defending E. You know he was just trying to toughen us up and you have to remember he was beat on as a kid too. Then he said" it's not like he molested us" And I responded with" that's b******* we'v
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More data

I texted A today about any records or pictures of me he had from my mom's stuff he had stored at his house.  We had a brief phone conversation. He is trying to talk me out of remembering.  But he said some stuff that unlocked a few of the boxes in my head. I thought I was 12 when I picked up that gun. Turns out I might of been 10 or 11. We lived at the last farm for a year or so longer after E left. We didn't move to town till after the divorce was finalized. After
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Cumbersome

So yesterday I called my wife during my lunch break. And during phone conversation she brings up something that just irritates her about the difference between men and women how we view things. And because I was having the thoughts about this idea of E making. Kiddy p*** movies starring me and my brother and sister I told her I really don't want to talk about this right now. So when I got home now I apologize to her for being a little snippy with her on the phone.  I told her that I wa
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An uncomfortable thought

A While back my brother posted this cute little video us when we were kids. It was from the farm where I have the most memories of the "games" My stepfather took it, he had one of those little wind up camera where you make could a little 1minute-or 2 minute home movie. I Remember we had a projector and he had these little five minute movies of the Marx Brothers The Three Stooges and Little Rascals that every now and then we'd have a movie night and watch. The uncomfortable thought
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Blind stupid persistence.

I fully intend on continuing this voyage of self discovery.  I am very goal orientated, and my goal is to know, to the best of my ability to remember.  It was decades ago 1 TBI and me trying very hard not to remember. So a lot may just be suspicions and vague impressions. As most know on this page PTSD charges the structure of the brain. And the way it remembers trauma. Some of me trying not to remember all the CSA is they blamed me. And I believed them. That I was just wrong. Tha
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Hmm

This is actually turning out to be harder on me psychologically than I initially anticipated.
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Some data

I have an end date.  The divorce was granted an April of 1977. That means between the time I got the tent for Christmas and me walking into that kitchen with that gun was just a matter of weeks. It seems much longer. The nice lady from County records of the county I grew up in is sending me a copy of the divorce decree. Hopefully I'll have that in a few days. My wife knows that I want to see these divorce papers she just doesn't understand what I'm trying to accomplish with i
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Some memories from the end.

The more I dig the more I remember . I don't know if that's a good thing or bad thing .  On the last farm we lived on I remember one time he came home late from work and we'd already started eating dinner . He  went into one of his rages , he forced us to eat everything on the table . He made us eat ourselves sick because we dare not wait for him .  I remember M had a calendar on the wall where she would mark off the number of days that he didn't speak to us.   I remember M having
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Just FYI

I am very uncomfortable commenting on post by women on this site.for several reasons. 1 most of the women on this site have been raped or abused by men. And I feel that having a male commenting on it would be upsetting. 2 Due to the way society treats male rape victims and it seems that society now views men as inherently wrong I am concerned that I will attacked.I have not seen that here but on other sites I have. 3 I have CTPSD so I feel that everything I do or say has no worth.
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Memories and Suspicions

I'm beginning to believe that E did things to me as well .   I remember a time when we were in a public restroom . I was very little three maybe four years old . I glanced over at him while we were peeing. As little boys tend to do , and he saw me do it . He turned to me started waving his di*k in my face and said something along the lines of "take a good look you little ( insert homosexual slur here )".  I have memories of him standing in front of me with his bathrobe open naked . 
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Data

Some time over the next few days I going to see if I can find E and M divorce decree. I want to know what the reason they give for getting divorced. I'm thinking irreconcilable differences or no contest. M was real big on not airing our dirty laundry in public and what would the neighbors think? Mom your husband was fucking your children. I think the neighbors should have been the least of your concerns. But then that's just me. I would like to see if some of what he did made
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Clarification

In my last post where I was saying that I truly believe that they were hoping I would just die from inhaling the toxic Vapors, I don't mean that they just sat around the kitchen table and they discussed it and came up this plan of just letting me suffocate. The reason I believe this is there were three people in that house with me, 2 of them had driver's license, either one of them could have taken me to the hospital. All three of them know how to operate a telephone, any one of them could
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Do not mix chlorine and ammonia DON'T

After the marriage between E and M ended, and before my real father showed up to get us, we moved into the small farming town we live by. So that my brother and sister could continue going to the same schools. I don't think I've was factored into the equation. One day when we were there, I was probably about 13 years old, I was playing scientist. And I mixed chlorine and ammonia together. Just FYI DON'T ever do this.  I caught a whiff of what was coming out of the jar and quickly turne
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Another thing I need to work on

I work construction, and I am known for being a little fuzzy on the concept of  personal safety. I'm the guy that they call when something needs to be done that is either dangerous or stupid. Me and the safety director of the company laugh all the time about how I have my dangerous and stupid certifications. I have noticed ever since I started dredging all this crap up that I'm getting a little reckless even by my standards LOL that's something I'm going to have to work on.  
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Damn it

I keep screwing up and telling my wife some of the things I am starting to remember. Really need to work on that. She doesn't need something else to worry about. She knows the outline of what happened when I was a kid and the rape when I was 20. She really doesn't need the details, so stop it asshole.
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Fight club

E put on little fights for his amusement. He would have me and A beat on each other . From what I've been told as we got older he involved our cousins in it.  One of my earliest memories is of me punching on another child . I was probably just a toddler . It was at the apartments we lived at just after E  and M got married. I think this because I remember riding a tricycle, breaking potty training, and being beat for it .   Another time I remember , I was maybe five or 6, me and A squa
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Opsec

When I for started this blog I was told that it could be read by the public , that it's not private.  This is not my real name , I picked this name because I worked for a guy for three months he couldn't remember my right name and he called me this , the name on the checks was correct so I really didn't care . It's not my real birthday , just close enough if I say I vaguely remember the Moonlanding I'm old enough to have .   From here on out I'm going to refer to my stepfather as E, my
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And FU.

I've been browsing this site. And it just brought something up that I kind of want to get off my chest. Has nothing to do with anything that happened with me as a child or anything else just something really makes me mad. My wife is bipolar manic depressive and for years she refused to treat it. This is a FU to all her so-called friends that would talk her out of taking her medication. They would tell her things like he's just trying to control you ,men just can't stand seeing women cr
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Headaches

Something very stressful happened a few months ago. And usually when faced with a stressful situation, and with a bipolar wife in a mentally handicapped child there's a lot of them. I'm able to just turn all the emotion off and deal with the problem. This time I couldn't. I broke down completely. That's when I've decided that I need to remember what happened during my childhood. I've only been doing this a couple of weeks rooting around in the muck trying to dig things out. And as I remembe
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Introduction

I been told that trying to remember what happen when I was a child is a bad idea. That it's better to just let it lay. Well , me being me, I have to know. Damn the torpedoes Full Speed Ahead. I am a 55 year construction worker, I have been married to my wife for 30 years. She is a polar/manic depressive. Which she refuse to treat till about 10 years ago. We have a 28 year old profoundly mentally handicapped child. I physically sexually and psychologically abused starting at about 2 yea
Gordy

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