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Gordy

A blog by Gordy in General

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About this blog

Blind stupid persistence.

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I got the marriage license for M and E. They were married Sept 1967. She divorced my father June 1967.  I reading that as she was having a affair with E when she was married to my dad. For 67 that would have been a fast courtship. My dad was US Navy and E was a lab tech so I thinking Dad was deployed and E worked at the same hospital M worked at. So a broom closet romance. I wonder how long it took her to regret that decision? The first time E punched her or the first time he mole
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Appt canceled

I got a call yesterday that the therapist I scheduled my appt with is not part of my insurance. The office was training a new person and they made a mistake. Since they are out of net work it's $4000 deductible then 50% per appointment. I can't afford that. So looking again. Having that appointment  was really helping me to hold it together this week. Was quite the let down.  
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Therapy

Well, I went to my first therapy session. I think it went well. I going to go once a week for awhile. There was a lot to cover in a short period of time so I think I kind of confused her. Lol. Based on some of the things I told her she seems to think my stepfather was a Pedophile. Which I also believe. Just having these sessions seems to help.      This thing with my mom has me stressed out. We still don't know if they turned the landline on and my brother took the phone
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more random

My brother has returned my mother to the nursing home she been in the past couple of years. He taken away her phone and she only allow to call people on his phone while he is in the room. This makes me uncomfortable.  while I have issues with my mother I don't like the fact that he's isolating her from everyone. I also have trust issues with my brother, a few memories of come up that lead me to believe trusting my Big Brother's a bad idea.   when I asked him about the time frame of when I g
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called it in

Called APS. My wife wouldn't say yes or no.  I hate no win scenarios. Now we wait to see if there is backlash.
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More Random

I beginning to get a few more flashes of my childhood, I keep drawing up this picture of a barn on a Hill. I think it's from the last farm. I vaguely remember the layout of the second farm we lived on this isn't from there. Its the only mental image  I have of a building from there. I can't for the life of me picture the house, I know I had my own room, I can kinda picture the dresser that was in the room. But I really can't picture the room , It had a lot of books in it . I remember looking out
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Scratching at the wall

I have working on trying to remember my childhood for several months now. And  I have barely scratched the surface.   I can do all fairly accurate floor plan of the house we lived in on the first farm, I have a rough idea of  the layout of the buildings on the second farm and a vague idea what they look like  . All I could remember of the last farm is just a barn,the cattle pasture, and the creek running through it .   On the last farm I have some memories of things happening, just chi
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cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war

I just got off the phone with the nursing home that my brother has my mother in. I'm taking steps necessary for me to become more deeply involved in her medical treatment  .   He's lying to me , he's lying to her . Both of us raised by E . I don't trust anyone was raised by that man. And yes that includes me.  .This will probably start a fight between me and him . This will not be the first war I fought and it probably won't be the last.    While I only have remnants of love
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It official

I can no longer treat this as an intellectual exercise. The headache is almost debilitating, I am nauseous, I constantly on the verge of tears. I have a mix of anxiety and depression. My entire body aches. I have mental confusion, my concentration is shit and I have no energy.   And tomorrow morning I have to go to work and run a 6 man crew. 
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sorry mom

I been calling the nursing home my mom in trying to get on the HIPPA list of people who are allow to know about her care. They refuse to call me back. They called my brother. He and I texted back and forth about it. According to him I am not allowed call the nursing home. He will tell me what he thinks I need to know. His way or the highway. So I out of the family agian. I could So hear my stepfather in that. E always said it's the the right way the wrong way and his way. I don't
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TV and memories

So my wife saved me a episode of Law & Order SUV. In it one of the older main characters had to come forward to confront a baseball coach that had molested him when he was child. And halfway through the episode I remembered I played t-ball. It was when we lived at the first house. I'd completely forgotten about it. I don't remember if E was a coach or just one of the overly enthusiastic parents but he was involved in it. I remember one day at school going out to play t-ball and someone
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Going to be a long day

I called the state ofice of APS just before close of business yesterday. They called the local office. They only got the receptionist but they were told someone would call me. About a half hour later some called. Was dismissive of my concerns but say they go to the nursing home when they  got a chance. About 10 minutes later the caseworker called. She seem to take my concerns more seriously and told me she would go by today. It almost 11 there still haven't heard any thing. I giving them ti
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Courses

So I spent several hours last night digging around looking for online classes for counseling. Some Of them I found you can't take unless you already have a master's degree, which I do not have. Some of them will start you at the beginning but you have to get all the way to a Masters or a PhD. When I fell off that slide in first or second grade and damaged the language centers of my brain that's severely limited my options for higher education. In my early twenties I started g
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Cumbersome

So yesterday I called my wife during my lunch break. And during phone conversation she brings up something that just irritates her about the difference between men and women how we view things. And because I was having the thoughts about this idea of E making. Kiddy p*** movies starring me and my brother and sister I told her I really don't want to talk about this right now. So when I got home now I apologize to her for being a little snippy with her on the phone.  I told her that I wa
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Frustrated

So I ordered the records from the school district that I went to school in from the time I was 14 To 18. Took a half hour to fill out the forms, and cost me 25 bucks. All I got was my transcript from Seventh grade. Nothing about the school psychologist they made me see, Nothing about all the IQ And cognitive skills testing they gave me, nothing about the other 3years I was there, just a copy Of my report card from seventh grade. I have to go to a different site To get a copy of my GED. Have
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Memories from the 1st farm

Our first farm wasn't very big it was only about 8 acres .  there was a creek running through it and a couple acres of trees , for child as young as I was seem like a forest .  This is where I have the clearest memories of the "Games".  I remember being in my sisters room , all three of us naked on her bed .  We wouldn't have been very old , I believe I was in fourth grade , she was 2.5 years older.. I have a vivid memory of her laying on her back with her legs spread and us using our
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More data

I texted A today about any records or pictures of me he had from my mom's stuff he had stored at his house.  We had a brief phone conversation. He is trying to talk me out of remembering.  But he said some stuff that unlocked a few of the boxes in my head. I thought I was 12 when I picked up that gun. Turns out I might of been 10 or 11. We lived at the last farm for a year or so longer after E left. We didn't move to town till after the divorce was finalized. After
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More random

I heard back from the online college I want to take, they want to schedule a phone interview to discuss how bad my dyslexia is. I spent all day yesterday with this is big knot in my stomach and depressed waiting to hear back from them. Because I just knew they weren't going to want anything to do with me. The little voice in the back of my head is kind of an asshole. And current project I'm working on right now doesn't keep me busy enough not to think about all this. Remembering that I
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Opsec

When I for started this blog I was told that it could be read by the public , that it's not private.  This is not my real name , I picked this name because I worked for a guy for three months he couldn't remember my right name and he called me this , the name on the checks was correct so I really didn't care . It's not my real birthday , just close enough if I say I vaguely remember the Moonlanding I'm old enough to have .   From here on out I'm going to refer to my stepfather as E, my
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Introduction

I been told that trying to remember what happen when I was a child is a bad idea. That it's better to just let it lay. Well , me being me, I have to know. Damn the torpedoes Full Speed Ahead. I am a 55 year construction worker, I have been married to my wife for 30 years. She is a polar/manic depressive. Which she refuse to treat till about 10 years ago. We have a 28 year old profoundly mentally handicapped child. I physically sexually and psychologically abused starting at about 2 yea
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RFI and random memories

I sent away for the marriage certificate, I gave the County clerk a 4 years range since I have no idea when the marriage started. Hopefully I hear back in the next couple of weeks. I called about the transcript of the divorce, it doesn't exist. The court recorder back then would have been a private party hired for the trial and there no way to find out who. Now a few memories I pulled out of the debris field. These all take place after the divorce but before we moved to the southwest.
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Memories

On the first farm we lived on I remember bailing hay. We were riding back to the barn on top of the hay wagon. The load collapsed and we fell off the wagon. I broke my feet in two places. I had to help reload the wagon and partially stack it in the barn before E would let M take me to the hospital. I really wasn't much help , I was an 8 or 9-year-old boy with a broken foot . But he felt he needed to toughen me up .  I remember at the first house we lived at he would line the 3 of us naked f
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Waiting

My wife and I had a long talk last night about the CSA. I texted her this morning asking if she still trusts me around our mentally handicapped daughter.  Waiting to hear back. It's going to be a long day.
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Moving forward

When I was reading yesterday the Pagan college I want to attend contacted me and we discussed their courses. I do need a BA to take their Master of Divinity  course however they have a 15 month course that will get me set up to do counseling.  I also contacted a legitimate online school to see about getting a BA .  I just need to find records from the pre computer days. you know back when monks transcribed everything by candlelight LOL .  I had a bunch of testing done , both in ju
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