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Gordy

A blog by Gordy in General

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About this blog

Blind stupid persistence.

Entries in this blog

Another ridiculous thing.

I have been in my particular trade for 40 years, I've done every aspect of my particular trade. I am known as a building trades master journeyman, I'm the guy they call to come figure out problems. I'm the one who they send on projects that they think are going to be impossible to get done. I'm currently welding  in a location that is almost impossible to get to. I can either see it or welded I can't do both. The second I flipped my hood down I can no longer get my head in a location where
Gordy

Gordy

6

Being touched

I really don't like being touched by surprise. Particularly by men, if I see it coming it doesn't tense me up as much.  last year I was working on a job and I was on an 8-foot ladder, and this one guy every time he'd walk by me he would touch my calf. Now I was really being real good about it, it would tense me up but I didn't say anything. Well then one time he walked by and started squeezing and caressing my calf. And I went off. I climbed up his ass, asked him if we were dating, told him
Gordy

Gordy

5

Damn it

I keep screwing up and telling my wife some of the things I am starting to remember. Really need to work on that. She doesn't need something else to worry about. She knows the outline of what happened when I was a kid and the rape when I was 20. She really doesn't need the details, so stop it asshole.
Gordy

Gordy

4

Hmm

This is actually turning out to be harder on me psychologically than I initially anticipated.
Gordy

Gordy

4

2nd session

So I went to my second therapy session , I plan on doing this once a week for at least a year .   we started talking about some to childhood memories and she had me walk her through a couple of them that I told her before about  . and she asked me  what emotions I felt when I recalled these memories . None .   I went though the memory of me walking in the kitchen with that gun to shoot my stepfather . And she asked me "what emotions did you feel when you did that" . There's absolutely
Gordy

Gordy

3

Just FYI

I am very uncomfortable commenting on post by women on this site.for several reasons. 1 most of the women on this site have been raped or abused by men. And I feel that having a male commenting on it would be upsetting. 2 Due to the way society treats male rape victims and it seems that society now views men as inherently wrong I am concerned that I will attacked.I have not seen that here but on other sites I have. 3 I have CTPSD so I feel that everything I do or say has no worth.
Gordy

Gordy

2

Blind stupid persistence.

I fully intend on continuing this voyage of self discovery.  I am very goal orientated, and my goal is to know, to the best of my ability to remember.  It was decades ago 1 TBI and me trying very hard not to remember. So a lot may just be suspicions and vague impressions. As most know on this page PTSD charges the structure of the brain. And the way it remembers trauma. Some of me trying not to remember all the CSA is they blamed me. And I believed them. That I was just wrong. Tha
Gordy

Gordy

2

Blood is thicker than water

My daughter was born in 1990, She has a genetic disorder that causes profound mental handicaps , behavioral problems ,sleep disorders and she's nonverbal . IIRC they include her disorder in the autism spectrum now.  But back then everybody just knew that all mentally handicapped children, except for down syndrome, were crack babies.  We were asked constantly " So what drugs did your wife do when she was pregnant ?". We are asked that by teachers, law-enforcement ,random strangers and w
Gordy

Gordy

2

Trauma bonding

So I received the divorce decree , it only states in it that E was negligent in his duty to my mother . And the divorce was granted on those grounds . Said nothing about the physical psychological or sexual abuse of us children.  I may call the County Clerk again to see if I can get the transcripts because according to A him and J were allowed to testify apparently I was considered too young . If they still exist     According to A when I found out I wasn't going to live with E I
Gordy

Gordy

1

Random thoughts

I have believed that God was female since I was about 8. I have a memory of J reading us from the bible in her room. Yes the same room she molested me in. I remember saying " This is all bullshit" and leaving. I don't think they included me in bible study again. I remember going to Sunday school or it's Equivalent. I don't think I went very many times , because I was disruptive . I think we were some from of protestant . Both my Mother and sister converted to Catholicism later in life .  Ev
Gordy

Gordy

0

Courses

So I spent several hours last night digging around looking for online classes for counseling. Some Of them I found you can't take unless you already have a master's degree, which I do not have. Some of them will start you at the beginning but you have to get all the way to a Masters or a PhD. When I fell off that slide in first or second grade and damaged the language centers of my brain that's severely limited my options for higher education. In my early twenties I started g
Gordy

Gordy

0

RFI and random memories

I sent away for the marriage certificate, I gave the County clerk a 4 years range since I have no idea when the marriage started. Hopefully I hear back in the next couple of weeks. I called about the transcript of the divorce, it doesn't exist. The court recorder back then would have been a private party hired for the trial and there no way to find out who. Now a few memories I pulled out of the debris field. These all take place after the divorce but before we moved to the southwest.
Gordy

Gordy

0

Time to begin

It is doubtful that I am ready to do this, but I'm going to begin looking into taking classes online to become a a counselor. I feel that if I wait until I recover all the memories of what happened to me as a child it'll never get done. I'm not 100% sure if I'll ever recover all the memories I also believe that taking the courses will help me. On a side note, my wife's getting a mommy weekend. Which means she gets a weekend off from our child and gets to go have some fun. And she
Gordy

Gordy

0

A voice from my past.

I am starting to do the research on online schooling for counseling .  Like I said before I am a master journeyman  in my trade, I'm a fairly decent carpenter ,  electrician, plumber, and there are very few machines I can not fix. I have a good over view of world history, a excellent knowledge of WW2 and a decent understanding of art and philosophy .  I have made, what I been told, are beautiful pieces of art from stone and metal. I don't think so but then I'm not very objective o
Gordy

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0

Introduction

I been told that trying to remember what happen when I was a child is a bad idea. That it's better to just let it lay. Well , me being me, I have to know. Damn the torpedoes Full Speed Ahead. I am a 55 year construction worker, I have been married to my wife for 30 years. She is a polar/manic depressive. Which she refuse to treat till about 10 years ago. We have a 28 year old profoundly mentally handicapped child. I physically sexually and psychologically abused starting at about 2 yea
Gordy

Gordy

0

More Random

I beginning to get a few more flashes of my childhood, I keep drawing up this picture of a barn on a Hill. I think it's from the last farm. I vaguely remember the layout of the second farm we lived on this isn't from there. Its the only mental image  I have of a building from there. I can't for the life of me picture the house, I know I had my own room, I can kinda picture the dresser that was in the room. But I really can't picture the room , It had a lot of books in it . I remember looking out
Gordy

Gordy

0

Headaches

Something very stressful happened a few months ago. And usually when faced with a stressful situation, and with a bipolar wife in a mentally handicapped child there's a lot of them. I'm able to just turn all the emotion off and deal with the problem. This time I couldn't. I broke down completely. That's when I've decided that I need to remember what happened during my childhood. I've only been doing this a couple of weeks rooting around in the muck trying to dig things out. And as I remembe
Gordy

Gordy

0

And FU.

I've been browsing this site. And it just brought something up that I kind of want to get off my chest. Has nothing to do with anything that happened with me as a child or anything else just something really makes me mad. My wife is bipolar manic depressive and for years she refused to treat it. This is a FU to all her so-called friends that would talk her out of taking her medication. They would tell her things like he's just trying to control you ,men just can't stand seeing women cr
Gordy

Gordy

0

Opsec

When I for started this blog I was told that it could be read by the public , that it's not private.  This is not my real name , I picked this name because I worked for a guy for three months he couldn't remember my right name and he called me this , the name on the checks was correct so I really didn't care . It's not my real birthday , just close enough if I say I vaguely remember the Moonlanding I'm old enough to have .   From here on out I'm going to refer to my stepfather as E, my
Gordy

Gordy

0

Fight club

E put on little fights for his amusement. He would have me and A beat on each other . From what I've been told as we got older he involved our cousins in it.  One of my earliest memories is of me punching on another child . I was probably just a toddler . It was at the apartments we lived at just after E  and M got married. I think this because I remember riding a tricycle, breaking potty training, and being beat for it .   Another time I remember , I was maybe five or 6, me and A squa
Gordy

Gordy

0

TV and memories

So my wife saved me a episode of Law & Order SUV. In it one of the older main characters had to come forward to confront a baseball coach that had molested him when he was child. And halfway through the episode I remembered I played t-ball. It was when we lived at the first house. I'd completely forgotten about it. I don't remember if E was a coach or just one of the overly enthusiastic parents but he was involved in it. I remember one day at school going out to play t-ball and someone
Gordy

Gordy

0

Crabapple tree

On one of the Farms we lived on, I believe it was the second, but I'm not a hundred percent sure. We had a crabapple tree. None of us like crab apples, I don't think we ever did anything with the crab apples. But he insisted on buying a ladder tall enough so that we could pick the apples. It was a 12 or 16 foot a frame. I remember me and my brother out there picking these crab apples. He kept trying to talk me into jumping off the top of the ladder and breaking an arm, because if both
Gordy

Gordy

0

Another thing I need to work on

I work construction, and I am known for being a little fuzzy on the concept of  personal safety. I'm the guy that they call when something needs to be done that is either dangerous or stupid. Me and the safety director of the company laugh all the time about how I have my dangerous and stupid certifications. I have noticed ever since I started dredging all this crap up that I'm getting a little reckless even by my standards LOL that's something I'm going to have to work on.  
Gordy

Gordy

0

Do not mix chlorine and ammonia DON'T

After the marriage between E and M ended, and before my real father showed up to get us, we moved into the small farming town we live by. So that my brother and sister could continue going to the same schools. I don't think I've was factored into the equation. One day when we were there, I was probably about 13 years old, I was playing scientist. And I mixed chlorine and ammonia together. Just FYI DON'T ever do this.  I caught a whiff of what was coming out of the jar and quickly turne
Gordy

Gordy

0

Clarification

In my last post where I was saying that I truly believe that they were hoping I would just die from inhaling the toxic Vapors, I don't mean that they just sat around the kitchen table and they discussed it and came up this plan of just letting me suffocate. The reason I believe this is there were three people in that house with me, 2 of them had driver's license, either one of them could have taken me to the hospital. All three of them know how to operate a telephone, any one of them could
Gordy

Gordy

0
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