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Gordy

A blog by Gordy in General

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About this blog

Blind stupid persistence.

Entries in this blog

Well that went South fast

My wife after a few stumbles has become very supportive and understanding of me trying to remember. And what it's doing to me psychologically. Right now she's into town about 40 miles away doing grocery shopping. I've been working on a project that requires me to run power tools so I missed a phone call from her. So she just texted "call". Now because of our special needs child we've always had an agreement that if you text you want someone to call you state it's not an emergency. Well
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Waiting

My wife and I had a long talk last night about the CSA. I texted her this morning asking if she still trusts me around our mentally handicapped daughter.  Waiting to hear back. It's going to be a long day.
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Update

APS called , they visited the nursing home and there doesn't appear to be any signs of abuse or neglect. They say that the overmedication problem has been solved and will not happen again . My brother is not my mother's guardian , and even if he was he is not legally allowed to keep me from talking to her .   the nursing home said that they will be installing a landline into my mothers room so that she can call me or I can call her whenever we wish . I called to speak with her this afternoo
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TV and memories

So my wife saved me a episode of Law & Order SUV. In it one of the older main characters had to come forward to confront a baseball coach that had molested him when he was child. And halfway through the episode I remembered I played t-ball. It was when we lived at the first house. I'd completely forgotten about it. I don't remember if E was a coach or just one of the overly enthusiastic parents but he was involved in it. I remember one day at school going out to play t-ball and someone
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Trauma bonding

So I received the divorce decree , it only states in it that E was negligent in his duty to my mother . And the divorce was granted on those grounds . Said nothing about the physical psychological or sexual abuse of us children.  I may call the County Clerk again to see if I can get the transcripts because according to A him and J were allowed to testify apparently I was considered too young . If they still exist     According to A when I found out I wasn't going to live with E I
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Time to begin

It is doubtful that I am ready to do this, but I'm going to begin looking into taking classes online to become a a counselor. I feel that if I wait until I recover all the memories of what happened to me as a child it'll never get done. I'm not 100% sure if I'll ever recover all the memories I also believe that taking the courses will help me. On a side note, my wife's getting a mommy weekend. Which means she gets a weekend off from our child and gets to go have some fun. And she
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therapy

I have my very first therapy appt Friday. Their still stonewalling me on talking to my mom. So between that, worrying my brother going to file a fake APS report against us. Being removed from the messenger group for update about mom. Trying too not stress my wife out about calling APS on my brother. The memories, thoughts and suspicions of what was done to me as a child that keep floating up. The depression and anxiety of everything that going on I am beginning to doubt I can
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Therapy

Well, I went to my first therapy session. I think it went well. I going to go once a week for awhile. There was a lot to cover in a short period of time so I think I kind of confused her. Lol. Based on some of the things I told her she seems to think my stepfather was a Pedophile. Which I also believe. Just having these sessions seems to help.      This thing with my mom has me stressed out. We still don't know if they turned the landline on and my brother took the phone
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The Piano Man

As I read more on CSA and CPTSD I see more of the negative behaviors in me. One if them is anxiety attacks. I get overwhelmed, at work it's to many people, to much noise, to much to do and to many demands on my attention. I am fine if I can just focus on the thing I working on but interruptions stress me out. Especially by people who want to be BFF's.  And then there are the Alpha Males who think they need to assert their dominance in every encounter. Fine you're a Alpha now Piss off. So I
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still holding it together.

The nursing home finally got the idea that I am allowed to talk to my mother. Just took another phone from APS. I told her I was looking into getting her a phone. Since my brother won't give hers back. She was all excited. Just can't get the phone company to understand just a landline. No internet, no cable just a phone. Lol We don't want her just sitting in her room. She needs to be socializing with other members of the facility. Later on I got an abusive drunken text rant f
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still be stonewalled

I called the nursing home four time now. Each time there is a different reason my mom can't come to the phone. She playing bingo. No one available to get her, shift change, and tonite no one to get her. I left my name and # each time no called back. Tomorrow we going to look into getting a land line into her room. And I calling the manger to inform them I will be calling APS agian if I do not here from her by end of day tomorrow. Next is filing a complaint with the board that
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sorry mom

I been calling the nursing home my mom in trying to get on the HIPPA list of people who are allow to know about her care. They refuse to call me back. They called my brother. He and I texted back and forth about it. According to him I am not allowed call the nursing home. He will tell me what he thinks I need to know. His way or the highway. So I out of the family agian. I could So hear my stepfather in that. E always said it's the the right way the wrong way and his way. I don't
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Some memories from the end.

The more I dig the more I remember . I don't know if that's a good thing or bad thing .  On the last farm we lived on I remember one time he came home late from work and we'd already started eating dinner . He  went into one of his rages , he forced us to eat everything on the table . He made us eat ourselves sick because we dare not wait for him .  I remember M had a calendar on the wall where she would mark off the number of days that he didn't speak to us.   I remember M having
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Some data

I have an end date.  The divorce was granted an April of 1977. That means between the time I got the tent for Christmas and me walking into that kitchen with that gun was just a matter of weeks. It seems much longer. The nice lady from County records of the county I grew up in is sending me a copy of the divorce decree. Hopefully I'll have that in a few days. My wife knows that I want to see these divorce papers she just doesn't understand what I'm trying to accomplish with i
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Scratching at the wall

I have working on trying to remember my childhood for several months now. And  I have barely scratched the surface.   I can do all fairly accurate floor plan of the house we lived in on the first farm, I have a rough idea of  the layout of the buildings on the second farm and a vague idea what they look like  . All I could remember of the last farm is just a barn,the cattle pasture, and the creek running through it .   On the last farm I have some memories of things happening, just chi
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RFI and random memories

I sent away for the marriage certificate, I gave the County clerk a 4 years range since I have no idea when the marriage started. Hopefully I hear back in the next couple of weeks. I called about the transcript of the divorce, it doesn't exist. The court recorder back then would have been a private party hired for the trial and there no way to find out who. Now a few memories I pulled out of the debris field. These all take place after the divorce but before we moved to the southwest.
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Random thoughts

I have believed that God was female since I was about 8. I have a memory of J reading us from the bible in her room. Yes the same room she molested me in. I remember saying " This is all bullshit" and leaving. I don't think they included me in bible study again. I remember going to Sunday school or it's Equivalent. I don't think I went very many times , because I was disruptive . I think we were some from of protestant . Both my Mother and sister converted to Catholicism later in life .  Ev
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Random memories

Since I talked to my brother I had a few more flashes come out. We lived in a house, I believe it was the 2nd farm, that had a basement with a real low ceiling. I was probably only 7 or 8 and my head just barely cleared the joists. I liked playing down because E don't like going down there becuase it was so low.  Because I was down there alone I think just me and him were home. I remember him angrily yelling for me to come up. I remember seeing him at the top of the stairs outline
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Random

the other night me and my wife were talking about me getting therapy. And I asked her How are you gonna deal with me when I'm sane. Is she responded with" You're probably going to divorce me".  No, that's not gonna happen. If leaving her and my kids is the only way the therapist thinks I can heal then I will stay crazy. That's not an option.  She and the kids saved my life. There was literally no way the person that married her would of survived this long. Without her and my children t
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Ramblings

As I read this site and others and as I do research on CPTSD. I have realized that my entire personality is built around CPTSD. I read about people who after a traumatic event, who are trying to go back to who they were before the experience. There is no "Before" for me. This ,of course, applies to any one who suffered abuse at a young age. Mine started at 3 and a half. The age when children begin to define who they are. And whoever that 3 year old was going to be E destroyed. Wit
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quick change

I was having a great day today. This morning I had to set a piece of equipment in the high winds we had today. It turned into a scene from the old Keystone Cops silent films. I starting laughing so hard I can't talk to direct the guy driving the crane. Almost fell off the ladder. I solved a difficult problem on a different site. Every one was impressed. My boss called me to tell me that a project that I have been arguing was a massive time and labor sink got canceled. Then on the
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Question answered

She told me she doesn't now and has never had concerns that I was a threat to the childern. That that thought has never crossed her mind. And never will. She was very reassuring about my concerns. I just needed to know.
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Phone call

Well I talk to my mother this morning . We talked for about 20 minutes . She seemed clear and lucid , she described to me the medication that they were giving to her that caused the hallucinations and confusion . She was able to tell me the dosage of the medication that they were giving her and the correct dosage she was supposed to be taking .   I asked her a question about our genealogy , and she was able to give me answers that coincide with what I already know about our ancestry . 
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Opsec

When I for started this blog I was told that it could be read by the public , that it's not private.  This is not my real name , I picked this name because I worked for a guy for three months he couldn't remember my right name and he called me this , the name on the checks was correct so I really didn't care . It's not my real birthday , just close enough if I say I vaguely remember the Moonlanding I'm old enough to have .   From here on out I'm going to refer to my stepfather as E, my
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