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My mind

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About this blog

I wanted to have a place to put my thoughts for people who can relate with how I feel and understand what I’m going through 

Entries in this blog

weird trrigger`??

so this morning it was really foggy and you couldn't even see the next stop sign a block away from you. As I was driving to drop my kids off I felt a pressure in my chest AMD fear just came over me and all of a sudden I was so scared and so paranoid I didn't know what to do. I was on a highway so I couldn't just pull over so I made it to drop my kids off. But I was so scared to get out of my car I kept thinking someone as going to run up on is and R me while my kids stood there and cried. I fina

Survive95

Survive95

Ugh

I just want to scream and cry at the same time I feel so much hatred pain and I feel so hurt I just don’t know what to do anymore😭😞🤬🤯

Survive95

Survive95

Ugh

Today I’m feeling so lost. I just want to stay home I don’t even want to be here at work. Last night my mom called me and was telling me my brother wanted to see me and wanted to talk to me and that we were siblings and we needed to act like it. Like seriously he should of acted like it when we were growing up and he was being a douche bag to me and before he decided to stick his nasty ass hands down my pants!! He should of thought about that every time he would barge in when I was taking a show

Survive95

Survive95

Tomorrow’s session

So I have counseling tomorrow and I’m actually looking forward to think it. I never thought I would be excited to go talk about how fucked up my life is but I actually feel like maybe it is helping. I’m looking forward to talking about this past week and how crazy it’s been and how well I’ve done and managed no to cut even though there was plenty of opportunities to do so. I’m kinda skeptical about telling my story out loud. It’s qlot easier to write it down then it is to say it out loud. I actu

Survive95

Survive95

Todays session

Today I went to counseling and I realized how much hate I have towards some people I realized that the people I thought cared about me really doesn’t I just want them to care about me and I hate it cause I have such a grudge towards my mom and I just really don’t want to talk to her anymore I’m so tired of wanting people to love me and to care and they are the ones that don’t care about the way I feel I hate that I’m in such a bad place and that I keep trying to push my husband away it’s definet

Survive95

Survive95

Today’s session

Today in counseling my counselor asked me how I would feel going every 2 weeks instead of every week. I kinda just wanted to get up and walk out and say fuck you but I know she didn’t mean it In a bad way but I feel like maybe she’s trying to push me away. I don’t want to change things up right now. I finally feel like we are making progress and I’m finally finding a way to be okay with things. She said I made really good progress but I don’t know about that. I can manage to manipulate my brain

Survive95

Survive95

Today

Feeling a little paranoid about work today. I just hope I don’t see that man today I don’t think I can take another break down. And then on top of that I finally told one of the girls that I work with why I had broken down the other day at work and so now she knows. I mean I’m happy that I told her. We’re really good friends I just dont want anything to change. I don’t want her to act different or look at me differently now that she knows.  Hoping nothing changes between each other because we ha

Survive95

Survive95

Stupid sleep

So tonight I slept on the couch cause my husband and the kids were cuddling in our bed so peacefully and I was so tired I just wanted to sleep so I left them in there I chugged a beer before bed so I could actually relax and sleep( I know but it’s my choice of easy relaxation without having to try to hard) so I finally fall fast asleep and all of a sudden I’m dream about a friend from work and I hear a really loud clap like not in my dream but I’m real life and I jump and I completely freak out

Survive95

Survive95

Silent crying

I’ve been in and out of my sleep all night crying and  trying to process everything. I’m not crying like hard like balling my eyes out it’s like a silent cry ig you can say. I’ve cried so much that my head hurts and I can’t seem to stay asleep. I just want to be okay. I know yesterday was a big step but man I feel like I’m starting all over from the beginning. Like I’m having to find different ways to heal which I’m okay with. I want to be able to heal the right way this time and not want to cut

Survive95

Survive95

Session #4

Today’s session went really well. This time I went in prepared. I had made up my mind that I was going to talk about some of the hard stuff. So this morning when I woke up I made a list of all the things I wanted to talk about. I gave her the list and let her pick what ever order she wanted. I felt like it was way more progress then we would of with out the list. I felt like I finally opened up more to her and I’m glad i did. I’m ready to heal and move forward. We actually got to start talking a

Survive95

Survive95

Random thoughts

I’m known for doing some really crappy stuff and I just admit I do t mean to hurt people!! I swear sometimes I try to turn my emotions off and it doesn’t work that well. I try to hide and forget and even try to cover up all the pain and hurt I feel but it doesn’t always seem to work. I try to make the best of things and some times I make things even worse. I put my foot in my mouth often and I can’t take anything back. I try to run and hide and keep everything inside. I try to act like I’m alrig

Survive95

Survive95

Nervous about tomorrow’s session

I’m very nervous about my session tomorrow I’m finally going to finish my telling my story out loud for the first time ever I’ve instructed her to push me so I won’t just sit there in quiet and not say anything or even change the topic I’m ready for it but then I don’t want to do it 

Survive95

Survive95

My court experience

I remember meeting the detectives that investigated my case. I was just a kid in the 7th grade trying to make it through jr high and now I had to deal with going to court and talking to strangers. I can’t remember there names but I remember the guy was so tall and built and he made me feel like nothing or nobody could ever hurt me while he was around. I can remember how when we first got to the police station and I went into there office they gave me a bear and started asking me questions about

Survive95

Survive95

Me myself and my thoughts

As I sit here on the coach just wanting and needing someone to talk to I have no one I thought I finally had someone to talk to it ended up not working out and no I’m all alone again with no one to talk to with no one who cares just me myself and my thoughts and that’s the worst possible thing that can happen at this moment I just want to give up and say F*** it all!! 

Survive95

Survive95

making progress...maybe??

so I finally decided that I wanted to go see my dad in jail after the fact that he R me. I printed out the application to submit to be able to visit him. now I just have to mail it off. I'm not sure if I want to sill send it off or not but I did fill out the papers. I swear I feel like they want to know everything about you. I think they even do a background check to before your approved. I don't know how I feel about going through all this bs just to go visit the man that ruined my life in more

Survive95

Survive95

Made a step forward but feel like I’m falling

Today has been a long rough day all together I feel like if it wasn’t one thing it’s another!!! I had counseling today and I decided I was gonna write a letter to my abuser and send it off... I hate the unknown of not knowing if he’s gonna open it or the unknown is what drives me even crazier. I’m the type that constantly has to be in control and when I’m not I get anxious and stressed out and depressed and I don’t know how to handle it!! I hate feeling this way!!! Now I’m stuck have stupid Fath

Survive95

Survive95

Looks a little brighter

I feel kinda relieved today me and my husband managed not to fight today or yesterday and we been at home all day together it feels good not to have an arguement with him it’s nocenjust to have a piece of mind and have him actually helping me out with our 2 kids I finally feel like we’re a family again he asked me if I was okay today and I told him I was alright surprisingly he didn’t hound me about talking about what was wrong and he just kinda let me be i think he’s finally understanding all t

Survive95

Survive95

Last night

I feel kinda relieved today me and my husband managed not to fight today or yesterday and we been at home all day together it feels good not to have an arguement with him it’s nocenjust to have a piece of mind and have him actually helping me out with our 2 kids I finally feel like we’re a family again he asked me if I was okay today and I told him I was alright surprisingly he didn’t hound me about talking about what was wrong and he just kinda let me be i think he’s finally understanding all t

Survive95

Survive95

Just ranting

I can’t stand all the memories that are coming back and all the triggers I’m having it sucks so bad I hate how angry I am I can feel myself taking it out on everyone but it’s not there fault I had a chance to talk to my counselor about it but I was to afraid to say it out loud. I know I’ve only had 3 sessions so far but I really like her and I wish I could just come out and tell her everything that’s running in my head but it’s so hard I did trust someone before and they betrayed me and maybe th

Survive95

Survive95

It was all for nothing

Today’s session went a pretty good. It was way better then what I kept anticipating it to be. I got majority of it my story out and I didn’t cry and I didn’t have a complete melt down in front of her which I’m very glad I didn’t but now it’s all starting to hit me at once. I feel so alone and so disconnected from the world I just wanna lay on my coach and cry and I hate it so bad. I hate it cause my husband just want to cheer up and it doesn’t just happen like that I’ve had a very stressful and

Survive95

Survive95

It happened

Yesterday was a horrible day I did end up having a break down at work and I had to tell one of the managers what was wrong so I could leave I feel absolutely defeated I always promised myself I would never break in public or infront of people and that’s exactly what happened now I don’t even want to go to work I know I have nothing to worry about because people at my job are understanding and my boss is amazing and won’t make a big deal about it as long as I’m okay but now I have to go face thes

Survive95

Survive95

In my head

I can’t stop thinking about my dad and all the horrible things he’s done I’m having a hard time just dealing with it today and I hate it I hate not being able to control my feelings I hate not being able to just be myself I feel depressed more then I feel happy it’s so hard going day to day and being okay I fake majority of my happiness I hate everything and I feel so alone 

Survive95

Survive95

I feel like I made progress

So today for the first time in about 11 years I wore a swimsuit without any other clothes over it. Granted it was a one piece with a skirt bottom but I’m proud of my self. I didn’t feel overwhelmed or the need to put clothes on. Also there was only me and my kids and a few other people so it wasn’t really crowded. It was nice not feeling anxiety and feeling like I needed more clothes on to cover up. I had so much fun with my kids in the pool I can’t wait to do it all over again tomorrow. 

Survive95

Survive95

I feel

I feel so lonely  I feel unwanted i feel lost  I feel like I’m a burden to people I feel like if I disappeared nobody would care I feel so depressed i feel like cutting  i feel like I just need to sleep  I feel like I want to run away i feel so left out i have all these feelings but it seems like I can’t feel any of these emotions if that makes any since 

Survive95

Survive95

Hm

So apparently I have a face that I make when I start having one of my “moments” where I just kinda start freaking out inside. I never knew I had one tell it was pointed out to me. Now I feel like I have to be more aware so I can try to hid it even more. 

Survive95

Survive95

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