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About this blog

Bio:

My past isn’t an easy one… I think you all can relate to that at some level.  I spent a good deal of my childhood being physically and mentally abused by someone that is now sitting in prison as a sexual predator.  Then, I was raped when I was 19 years old, only weeks into living in a town in a state that I had never been in, not knowing anyone.  I was homeless, and very soon after, I found out that I was pregnant.  I thought about adoption, but I just couldn’t do it to myself, because I really wanted my daughter.  I mentally was not stable.  Occasionally I asked for help, but for the most part I hated myself and spent a good deal of my time trying to prove that I deserved to be hated.  Eventually, I became pregnant again and had a son.  A few weeks before I gave both of them up, I woke up one night to find that I had done some damage in self-mutilation, and my daughter in the bathroom with all the blood and razors sitting out there in the open. 

Today, I know that I did the best thing for my children, standing accountable for my actions, but hoping that my children will find me again.  My daughter has, but I am still waiting for the day my son stands in front of me. 

I take medication that has kept me stable for the last five years, and I can hold down a job, and have a stable home and relationship with my very soon to be husband, as well as my dog.  Things aren’t easy.  I’m still not capable of caring for any children, but I feel as though I am doing the right things and have made peace with myself mostly.  My anxiety has eased and the nightmares had stopped for a long time.

There is an aspect of my life that still need improvement.  I have become scared of the intimate parts of a relationship and often feel obligated, rather finding joy that someone wants me despite everything.  When I get touched I feel as though I am losing control of myself and relinquishing it to the possibility of being hurt and attacked again. I could just do without that struggle, but I love my boyfriend, and I think he loves me.  He has asked me to marry him, but sometimes I lose faith and sometimes think it isn’t worth the effort to try anymore, often giving reasons to my struggle by blaming him for his. 

I was just hoping that I could connect with other people that struggle this and maybe get some encouragement.  Maybe encourage someone else.

Entries in this blog

My Dog

My dog: My dog’s name is Niko.  It wasn’t the name I picked out for him, but it was the name he was use to when I got ahold of him.  I was looking for one when a friend told me about him.  She said he was real sweet and smart, but I was a bit leary because of his breed; pit bull.  She kept telling me that the owner was threatening to take him to the pound because nobody wanted a pit bull that she could trust to take care of him the way he deserved.  So, I agreed to at least to take a look a

CivilCybil

CivilCybil

My experience

I want to share something.  It may be a trigger warning for someone out here.  I wouldn’t read this if you endured a rape that wasn’t based on intimidation.  This maybe something that makes you remember something you don’t want too, or that you can relate to that may hash up those feelings again.  Maybe someone can relate and helps them to know that they aren’t the only ones this has happened too.  In either case, it is pretty intimately detailed, and please use caution when deciding to read thi

CivilCybil

CivilCybil

Cops

I called the police and made a report.  Wasn't sure what to say; details are really foggy.  But, I managed through it.  I was afraid my boyfriend was going to be listening in, because I'm just not sure he wants to know the details, or at least, I'm not ready to give them to him.  I was afraid to give the details to the police too.  What if they didn't believe me?  After all, I don't really know enough details to do bring justice to the event and all we were doing was getting my statement.  What

CivilCybil

CivilCybil

Bio

My past isn’t an easy one… I think you all can relate to that at some level.  I spent a good deal of my childhood being physically and mentally abused by someone that is now sitting in prison as a sexual predator.  Then, I was raped when I was 19 years old, only weeks into living in a town in a state that I had never been in, not knowing anyone.  I was homeless, and very soon after, I found out that I was pregnant.  I thought about adoption, but I just couldn’t do it to myself, because I really

CivilCybil

CivilCybil

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