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About this blog

Random ramblings of a fellow chocolate lover, need I say more?

Entries in this blog

Installment Two: The Party

Also posted in Share Your Story: Installment Two:  The Party  I am now fast-forwarding, (or rewinding, depending on how old I was in your minds upon completing reading of the first installment) to when I was seventeen years old as I bring to you all, installment 2 of my story.   This is the full, uncensored version of what was shared back in 2007. One would think that as time goes on, you’re likely to forget some details.   While that may be the case for some, I W
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17
Blogs

People-Pleasing and Boundaries

Hey, AS family! How're you all doing? I'd like to first preface this journal entry by making clear that I am in NO WAY blaming any of you for the traumatic experiences you've endured at the hands of others.  THEY are the ones responsible - not you.  THEY chose to harm you - therefore, THEY are one hundred percent at fault.  This journal entry is one of my rare emotion-dumps that may or may not make sense, given the hour.  It will make sense later, though, I promise.  We have a snow day
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14

Enter catchy title here...because I'm drawing blanks.

Hello, all. Did you all enjoy NOT hearing about my schoolwork?  I hope so, because I HAVE enjoyed not bitching about certain classes and papers that I really didn't want to write.  Of course, these were for the 'required' classes not pertaining to my social work major and it would only be natural for me to complain about those.  I will say though, that when I return to campus in a couple weeks, I'll be TRYING to refrain from giving my (former) Government professor a glare for giving me the
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11

Finally hit #50!

Have y'all been here for the 49 other blog entries?  Proud to say this is the longest running blog I've had in years.  Whether entries were added in the middle of the day or the middle of the night, I've learned a lot by writing my thoughts here.  I've gained valuable feedback and perspective from YOU, my readers, and I DEEPLY appreciate all of you! Seeing as this is entry number 50 (are you sick of my ramblings, yet?) I wanted to make it a good, meaningful one.  I know I've been absent for
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Warning: Long, bumpy road ahead. Wear comfy sneakers!

Hi, everyone!  #51 in the works.   And it's been less than a week since my last blog entry, so hey, progress already! I'd like to paint a mental picture for you all - may seem a little strange and somewhat comical if I'm successful, but please do bear with me for there is (almost) always a method to my madness as far as thoughts go. First off, I am picturing the New York State Marathon.  I am a native New Yorker and have seen this event both in person as well as on TV.  If you've seen
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7

Thank you, Son, for having poop that stinks!

Greetings to all from my neck of the woods, where I seem to have disappeared for a little while.  I've not been completely gone - just keeping myself scarce for no particular reason other than not really having much to report. In my last blog entry, I mentioned that bathroom renovations were underway.  Those renovations have since been completed.  It took a few more days to return my sleep cycle from WAY abnormal back to simply screwed up.  If you're me, there's never going to be a normal.
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7

Light bulb!

Another blog entry?  So soon?    Even for me, this is odd...  Though it's a bit untraditional of me to post two days in a row, I'm hearing my brain say, 'just run with it, Cappy.  Just write.' So, I guess, I will.  Maybe this is the way to make peace with what I've been feeling and what's needed for me to altogether snap out of it.  Perhaps in order to put this year's 'traumaversary period' to rest, I am needing to understand what exactly happened this year.  I can't deny that it felt
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7

"God don't like ugly!"

Hello everyone!!! I'll first acknowledge how long it's been since my last update...things have been - well - crazy.  Not necessarily a 'bad' kind of crazy - but perhaps the crazy that instead keeps me from being able to sit down and say that I've actually had time to process it all.  Sometimes it takes me time to even WANT to process some of it, so that delays me even more. The post-Oompa headache (that pounding sensation at my temples that I experience whenever my mother takes herself
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6

It's official now...

Hello, everyone!   I am hoping this finds you all well.   While I am doing fine health-wise, I'm not doing so great with my sleeping.  There are some days when I think I've got it all under control and then there are other days when I revert back to what has grown to be all too familiar.  While food shopping last week, I found a bottle of NyQuil that is set to expire in three months - it was marked down to $2, so I grabbed it.  I have it sitting on my desk as a reminder to go to sleep
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6
Blogs

You, too? Or no, just me?

Hi, AS Family! I miss journaling.  I really do.  I’m first of all, thankful that there is some downtime at work where I can do some writing.  Today is such a day and I’ve had a few somethings to ponder, lately. I often read posts that leave me nodding my head in agreement or in silent understanding.  Or, of course, feeling as if I could have written these words, myself.  While it’s kinda daunting at times, it’s also one of the many benefits of group healing. How validating it is, to be
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Capulet in Blogs

6

Just some hangry hollering!

I have been eating chicken.  A WHOLE lot of chicken.  Every. Single. Day.  Oh, and eggs.  Lots of eggs.  You'd think the eggs were being laid by the chickens I'm eating.  A typical morning for me is something like this:  Get up.  Go through the pantry.  End up skipping breakfast. (I know, it's not recommended but I do it because what else is there to eat but eggs!?)  Oh, and do you know how many points is in a wee cup of cereal and also for the milk you'll put into the bowl???  I don't think I h
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5

Hands not required.

Hello friends, My sincerest apologies for my lengthy absence.  Yes, it's happened before and it's likely to happen again, but we all know that I always, always come back to my writing space - I will go through times where I do not really know what to write but as soon as I sit down, I am often hit with a little reminder of how much of a help it is to process things through blogging.  Sometimes it takes a little while for things to start to flow, sometimes I have to get up and return the fol
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5
Blogs

25

So...today is twenty-five years.  A quarter of a century.  Which one sounds better?  Or worse?  Especially when something that happened twenty-five years ago is still fresh in one’s mind?   Three years ago, I wrote a letter to my rapist and posted it as a blog entry.  I found myself reading it again the other day.  Why?  I don’t know.  Nothing’s changed.  I still stand by all of what I managed to say to him, knowing that he’d never read the letter.  I guess it’s different when you know that
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Capulet in Blogs

5
Blogs

Reflecting back on the last year.

Hey, AS family and friends.   I know it's been a while.  Over a year since my last entry.  (I'm sorry.) I guess I just haven't made myself open to talking.  There's probably a lot that I could have filled everyone in on, but for some reason, I guess it was more appealing to stuff it in the 'maybe later' pile that resides in the back of my head.  That pile has since begun to overflow, scattering messiness everywhere.  I'm scattered lately.  Forgetful.  More irritable over the simplest t
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5

Have you seen my big-girl panties?

***Please skip this if you're generally uncomfortable with talk of periods, bleeding, medical procedures involving the female reproductive system.  I'm trying to make this mild and non-triggering but you just never know.  So proceed with caution!*** Okay, guys, I'm nervous.   Ain't gonna lie, I'm seriously trying to swallow the lump in the back of my throat, with my new doctor's name on it.  If the roles were reversed, I'd probably be the one saying, "it'll be all right, it's gonna be
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4

"Are you feeding the cat beef jerky?"

That's what my daughter asked me this afternoon.   Ahhh...it's been a crazy-ish week, so far. For starters, I'm starting to think God has the absolute worst form of colic.  All he does is CRY!  I mean, yeah, looking at today's world, I can certainly understand the need to bawl rather than try and analyze why we're forced to deal with the amount of stress we're destined to deal with - all in one lifetime, too.  We've not had more than two or three days in a row without rain.   I no
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4

Right Now Capulet vs. Small Child Capulet

It would appear that I have two sides.  Two faces.  There are currently two versions of me - and while it’s been suggested/confirmed that I do/have suffer(ed) from a personality disorder involving multiple other versions, these additional ‘parts’ have become silent and have grown otherwise dormant at the very least.   Now I am currently faced with just two opposing sides of myself that are currently attempting to form a coherent connection.  Or rather, to integrate, if that description even
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4

I don't even own an iron!

I'm not sure which to believe, first.  The fact that I received an email from the University that I applied to transfer into this coming fall - at 12:02am in the morning.  Someone was apparently in the office VERY late, despite this coming week being Spring Break... Or.... .....that I've been accepted for the Fall 2019 term and will be working toward my Bachelor's of Science in Social Work.   I've previously made this goal of mine known - but until a few nights ago, it was si
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4

2020 Vision...

Whether we're talking about hindsight or vision, it seemed right to title this blog with something that's coming for us all.  I'm SO ready for 2019 to be over.  How 'bout you? While there have been some redeeming moments that it'd be unfair to acknowledge, this year has been overall shitty.  There has been more sadness than happiness, more frustration than there have been genuine smiles, and more tears than....well, you get the picture.  I've gained weight, I'm experiencing pain and di
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4
Blogs

Update time!

Hi, all!  I just wanted to pass by with a quick (maybe?) update, for I know that I have been extremely neglectful to my blog lately.  I've been around on the site, though - that is unchanging.  Even so, I don't like feeling so disconnected from my blog.  It's always been a place I would come to write things out and process - a place to share things I've had on my mind, a place to gain feedback and support.  I confess that lately, I've not known what to say about anything, so in turn, I've n
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Capulet in Blogs

4
Blogs

It's all connected.

I know I am good at writing about my feelings.  That’s always been the case with me.  Talking about them – not so much, but writing about them always enables me to explore them further in depth. Lately, I’ve had a lot on my mind and plate.  It shows at home the most, where I am constantly snapping - my daughter and I have been like snapping turtles lately, but we have gotten better at communicating as politely as possible whenever one of us is getting on the other's nerves.  It shows at work - I
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Capulet in Blogs

4

I've been unfaithful!

...not to my fiancee, of course!!!   Guys, I'm not that kind of girl.  Never have been and never will be.  I've been cheated on (likely by the wasband, and likely by other guys that I dated before I married him.  One girl I dated briefly (for a few weeks) cheated on me...with a man, no less.  Imagine that?! Either way, unfaithfulness and I do not get along.  I've no respect for unfaithful partners, the heartbreak they cause and the re-building of trust that is required afterwards - nop
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3

What the heart needs...

Hello, everyone!  TWO blogs in a week????  How unusual.  Or is it?   Well, guess what?   I did it.  I did something I PROBABLY should have done years (and YEARS) ago, and joined a local support group.   Firstly, let me explain something to you all.  I'd always thought about joining a support group.  I've always fallen victim to loneliness - ALWAYS.  Being hearing impaired is only one contributor to this constant feeling of being the outsider and never quite being able to fit in, but it
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3

Fast-forward three years, what do I see?

Huh.  Whadda-ya-know? I'm having a little bit of difficulty with my 'assignment.'  The counselor I saw last week gave me something to ponder for the next time we were to meet (there is no appointment set, yet) and I was happy to have something to occupy my thoughts with and even more giddy when she said I could write it out!  I suspect she understands the level of effectiveness writing has on me, so she was quick to encourage some 'writing homework' on my way out.  I accepted the assignment
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The light bulb DOES work!

The first time I attempted to get this entry started, I got maybe two words typed out before my very demanding cat jumped up onto the desk, spilling my pencil holder of its contents as well as knocking my (thankfully covered) water bottle as well as other empty soda cans and nail polish bottles over.  I'm telling you - when this boy wants his love and affection, he stops at absolutely nothing and often resorts to destruction! So - here is attempt number two, now that I've banished him to th
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