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About this blog

I'm still deeply ashamed of everything that happened despite the number of times I've been told it wasn't my fault.  After Silence seems like a good place to start writing as I've been offered a lot of help and support here over the past couple of years.  Not least they told me I was abused despite not knowing myself. I will be eternally grateful for that is a single act of kindness.

Entries in this blog

Why didn't you tell anyone?

I'm so sick of hearing "why didn't they come forward sooner". When I got out, my abuser pulled of a masterful piece of misdirection.  He convinced my girlfriend dump me.  He manipulated her into thinking I was terrifyingly evil so she wouldn't listen to a word I said.  He made her afraid and suddenly alone.  So she hung out with another of his victims.  Maybe even dated that guy.  Who knows.  What I do know is that other guy was too far gone (brainwashed) to be able to protect her from Him.
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When falling in love was a trigger

I was reminded recently by another user of just how hard I found relationships after abuse.  I was the victim of "puppet master abuse" over some months, forced to do things with my girlfriend by a truly disguising man.   In the years that followed this left me believing some of his most destructive lies.  Many of them took years to work through; a process that involved experiencing life and seeing the truth with my own eyes.  Every area of my life had been tainted.  I had to completely r
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Sex: Boundaries after Abuse

We English don't talk about Sex.  We're known for it.  I've only ever talked about it at length with two people: V - The girl I fell in love with at 17 C - The old man who subsequently abused both me and V   So it's hard for me as an English man and a survivor to even type the word without getting nervous.  But it is a subject that is inevitably going to be difficult for many survivors.  There will be many different reasons for it to be difficult.  
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A New Relationship

I've taken a break from writing for a while.  I've been uncertain how to continue without breaking my golden rule: Anonymity.  When I first joined After Silence I was so afraid to speak about myself that I picked a name which conveyed nothing about myself "00000000".  Actually it conveyed two things... It conveyed the fact I like computers and it conveyed they way I thought of myself... "null", "nothing", "zero".   Over the past few months my experiences have been so unique that I haven'
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Measuring Progress when Things Go Wrong

I though I was doing so well I see it on the forums and I hear it from so many fellow survivors.  I've said it myself enough times to loose count.  In the early days after abuse it's hard to think about recovery but we begin to notice ... ...I made it though another day... ...I made it through a day with only a couple of breakdowns... ...I didn't breakdown today at all.   These little things help give us hope.  They show us that we're on the mend and they show us we're no
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A Long Month

Its been a while since I've written here.  I guess I've had too much going on and too much I didn't understand to be able to write about it. Physically Trigged A month ago I struggled with my subconscious becoming triggered.  I could be talking calmly when I realised my voice had cracked and my chest was pounding.  It was strange finding myself with all the physical symptoms of being overwhelmed, yet being totally calm and happy.  What's worse, these symptoms hit me while I was trying to
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How did I feel to be Seventeen?

It’s dangerous for me to remember what I want to talk about.  On Friday I lost time during therapy.  I spent an hour there and I only remember about ten minutes. What I “knew” when I was seventeen was wrong: I didn’t think there was anything sexual going on when we met C.  What he’d done was to play chess and teach us his own peculiar brand of psychology.  He used it to predict what we’d do.  He’d taught us we were in danger without him. He’d taught us we were dangerous without him.  W
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It's Time to Talk

Where do I start?  Where do I start?  The words don't come easily today. I'm planning to talk to the police.  The thought of it stifles every word I try to find.  Every word is stolen away before I can speak or write it down. I've been dong so well in talking to my therapist I'd almost forgotten that I've not talked to anyone else. I'd forgotten how difficult talking is.  This is the same silence that struck me dumb right after the abuse.  I'd tried to talk back then: to my parents,
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Once upon a time...

Once upon a time there was a teenage boy who fell in love with a girl his age.  He was too shy to tell her how he felt but became friends with her.  He loved the colour of her eyes, the way she smiled, the way she beat him at chess mercilessly. As they grew up they went their separate ways and for a year after school didn’t see one another.  After the first year of college the boy called the girl up and got chatting.  He found out she now had a boyfriend.  Jokingly he said “so who do I have
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I kissed him

I talked! On Friday I finally managed to tell my therapist that I kissed my abuser.  I'm sorry I keep obsessing over this one.  I guess it's just shaken me a lot.  Talking about it helped it to feel real.  There's some part of me that has been shouting in silence for fifteen years and it's a relieved to have now been heard.  I guess it hit me hard because I've not had any new memories return for a number of years and I'd forgotton how potent they can be.  Sure I've had a bunch of revalations m
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Triggered While Talking About Something Simple

Triggerd Pounding pressure on my chest hands shaking and barely able to get a word out.  And all of this because I tried to say that I kissed my abuser. I went to therapy knowing I wanted to talk about this new memory.  Its a small memory, yes, but in context it’s so surreal and disturbing.  I tried to talk about it.  I failed.  My therapist still doesn’t know what I wanted to talk about. I was talking quite calmly up to that point and not feeling emotional at all but then my body just
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Not Feeling Great

I'm seeing my therapist again tomorrow. Its been a few weeks since I last did because she has been away on holiday.  When we last met I was doing really well and I thought might not need therapy again.  Three weeks later I 'm wondering how I'm going to make it through the 22 hours to our session.  Everything has built up like a pressure cooker that's had its valve opened.  Without being able to talk I suddenly feel like the valve is closed and things are building up. I think I went too
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Unpicking The Lies

I lie to myself I think its important to be real.  I do lie to myself about the abuse and despite the fact that nobody ever said this is a good thing I do believe it has been necessary.  Please don't misunderstand me I'm not suggesting that you start lying to yourself.  But the lies we tell ourselves can be there to protect us.  Unpicking the lies can be a difficult and even dangerous. Before I go any further... It is not your fault.  No matter how many layers of lies you've constructed
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New Memory and Talking

A new memory has been haunting me.  The memory is of kissing my abuser on the lips.  I've had a curiosity with homosexuality but this was not one of them.  I remember him saying that it didn't mean I was gay.  This was so wrong for the way I behaved back then that I couldn't believe the memory was real at first. I remember another time discussed the idea of someoe being submissive and holding a hot cup of coffee so that it burned their hands.  The next thing I knew V (the girl i was abused
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Coping Technique

I wanted to share an odd coping technique that I found helpful when I get depressed and particularly when I realise I’m not functioning. Sometimes when I go down with depression I find that I start procrastinating and become unable to do even very simple tasks.  It feels like I’m sinking beneath a mountain of stuff that has got out of control and the worse it gets the more I find I can’t do anything so the problem gets worse and spirals out of control. At these times I’ve found that wr
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The Cruelty of Control

Trigger Warning I’m going to be blunt in this one.  Specifically about psychological abuse and about rape. Background Psychological abuse was far worse for me than the physical side.  I wasn’t touched by my abuser.  Well not that I can remember… um sort of… I’m still a bit confused about that.  Anyway I was forced to do things in front of my abuser (“C” - a 53 year old man) and with my girlfriend of the time (V). I repressed the memories for years and I think this was because I beh
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The Confusion is Lifting

I'm struggling to write today.  I guess I'm feeling too good about life to be able to dwell on things.  Life is good and I'm doing really well.  The Confusion which has caused me so many problems lifted... at least for now.  It seems it was built on a few lies which conflicted so heavily that I had to dissociate. There were so many triggers to these for so long that I was always in danger of being sucked into the middle of a storm of lies. "He was really trying to help" C got cont
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Feeling Vs Triggering

"You can't heal while triggered" M said this the first time we met and I didn't know how to react.  Frightened it might mean I would never heal.  Irritated I was being stopped from talking.  Confused at the idea I could engage with my issues and not cry, shiver and space out.  In fact the idea I could talk without triggering seen coldly out of touch with reality.  I'd seen many therapists before M but she is the first to stop me mid flow, mid sentence if she has to and always when she thinks I
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Dear V

Dear V I find it's the simplest things that are the most powerful.  In the summer of 2001 we went to a town show.  You bought me a birthday card not for my birthday but for the picture on the front; some dolphins swimming through space.  You saw the joke from Douglas Adams: the few survivors from earth included dolphins. You handed to me with the simple words "The dolphins left by their own means".  It made me smile. I feel I abandoned you.  I failed to convince you C was dangerous.  A
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Remembering

"I don’t remember" Three simple words which made me break down whilst talking to my therapist (M) last week.  M has been great over the past six months.  I’ve got further with her and healed more than with anyone else.  I’ve been reconnecting to a large number of memories from my childhood before the abuse happened.  I’ve been stabilising emotionally and talking about my abuser and different aspects of the abuse.  So imagine M’s confusion when I told her “I don’t know if I was abused or not”. 
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