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About this blog

How I hoped everything would be okay and casually get better. How I also learned that hope breeds eternal misery. How I plan to fix my life for the better

Entries in this blog

I Just Can't Anymore...

I'm going through one of those moments where I can't breathe. My boyfriend touched me when I was against the wall and I broke down, crying, begging on my knees for him to stop. He touched my side. That was it. I don't know what to do. My nightmares are back. I haven't had one of my night terrors yet, but I am just as affected. I want to crawl into a hole and die. I continue to remember the phrase: One wrist for attention, two for results. No matter how much I tell anyone that I am a survivor, I
survivor122509

survivor122509

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Something New That Has Come Up

SO! As some of you may know, two of my brothers were responsible for me when I was raped, but they were both gone when it happened. My brother J, the older one, finally apologized yesterday. After almost 6 years, he told me he didn't want to believe that something like that could've happened to me on his watch. I hadn't done anything with him, just he and I, since he joined my brother A and called me a liar. I took him out yesterday for his birthday and spent a bunch of money on him because he n
survivor122509

survivor122509

0

Hope, Who Is God To Me?

This entry is going to explain why I chose Eternal Misery to be the name of my blog. There are actually a few reasons why. The first big reason: I don't believe in hope. I know that's probably a big problem with some people, but hope has never gotten me anywhere in life. I believe that hope breeds eternal misery. Every time I have hoped or prayed, nothing ever happened. What really took the cake was laying there, being raped and hoping that it was a dream. Hoping that my brothers would walk in a
survivor122509

survivor122509

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My Boyfriend And My Abuse; Needing Some Advice, Myself

I honestly don't know what to do about my boyfriend anymore. He knows that I was raped and that I am not good with a lot of touching. I cannot be touched on my stomach or my sides because of this rape. I don't like taking off my shirt and showing people my stomach or my scar from the knife on my hip. I don't like being carried. He just won't understand that part. He wants so badly to break me of that. I don't want the pain of trying. I want him to give that up. I don't like being off the ground
survivor122509

survivor122509

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A Little Advice To Get You Going

I haven't posted in a while, but I just wanted to quickly give a list for advice...if you are a rape victim: TELL SOMEONE - Make your voice heard. You have one and it is damn sure louder than the abuser. PRESS CHARGES - I understand that some people are not able to. It can be too intimidating or too scary. But if I was given the chance to go back and get justice, I would have done it in a heartbeat. I regret not doing it. I live with the guilt of him possibly going out and doing it to someone e
survivor122509

survivor122509

2

My Life After

After my rape, I refused to go back to stay with my brother. I wouldn't look or speak to anyone. I stayed in my room all the time and grew more and more depressed. When I had to go to school, I stared out the window, wondering how long it would take me to get to the ground if I ran right through the window. Would I die when I ran through the glass? Would I die during the fall? Or would I die when I hit the ground and made a disgusting, but satisfying splat? I even asked if that was the way to do
survivor122509

survivor122509

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The Beginning

In the beginning, I was naive. I didn't listen to anything my parents would tell me about safety because I just knew that nothing bad would ever happen to me. My mom would always grab me and hold me before I walked out the door. "Come back to me in one piece." She would always tell me. I always brushed it off. I was too special to be one of those kids. I would always make it home. I made it through years of carelessness and foolishness. My favorite holiday growing up was Christmas. All of my si
survivor122509

survivor122509

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