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Blogs

Blah, Blah, Blog

The Letter I Never Wanted to Write

To my rapist, I feel like there are pieces of me scattered all over the city. Because of you. There’s a piece at the bar where you found me. The bar where you pushed drinks on me and got me so inebriated that I couldn’t walk. The bar where you told me not to sober up. The bar where I think you drugged me. The bar where you first started exercising your control over me. The bar I can’t go to anymore because the smell reminds me of what you did to me. There’s a piece of me in y
Poppy_

Poppy_ in Life

0
Blah, Blah, Blog

Traumaversary Season

Traumaversaries suck. Also, I’m pissed because I was already a whole page into this blog when my computer crashed and now I have to start all over. I don’t even remember everything I had written in the last one. Something about feeling the urge to write today and taking advantage of that because I’ve been so unmotivated and uninspired. That’s the cliff notes version of what was previously written here. I do remember what I talked about and I also remember that there was a disclaimer th
Poppy_

Poppy_ in Life

3
Fantasy ~ Mind ~ Reality

Sacrifice for Family

All this pain, Inside my head. I'm nearing an end, I might end up dead.   I have an idea, That'll cost my life. But it's worth it for family, I must do the fight.   The fucking bastard, Yea, the sexual abuser. I'm done with everything, No one doing nothing.   I'm gonna fight, And by that, let's see. I know how to use a gun, I know where he sleeps.   I'm gonna show up, Make sure he's awake.
Celia

Celia in Family

0
Fantasy ~ Mind ~ Reality

Society/People

Been hurt so much, Been lied to in the face. Bullied all around, Pushed all over the place    Met many people in person, Seems most of them are fake. How come I get the bad people? How come I get hurt by the stake?   Society is bad, So is the people. It's to the point, I've given up on visuals.   When my family says, "Make some friends!" I ask myself, "What will it take?"   I have some real friend
Celia

Celia in Pain

3
Fantasy ~ Mind ~ Reality

Anger and Pain

Where do I even start..... 😔😔   All these memories,  Inside my head. It makes me mad, Makes me wanna be dead.   I don't know what to say, So, I cry myself away. Hopefully it's enough, To drown my mind for the day.   All this anger, All this pain. I wanna make it stop, Everything is so gray.   No light, no sound, It's a dark place here. Where's myself? I can't see clear.   I'm slipping aw
Celia

Celia in Pain

5
Fantasy ~ Mind ~ Reality

Lost Another Friend

I lost another friend, Here I go again. Guess what, it isn't new, I blame myself again.   I'm at fault for the disaster, I'm at fault for losing my friend. He was like a brother to me, But admittedly, a jerk.. something.   He would be nice to me, Treat me like his sister. But sometimes then he jokes around, Acts inappropriate and acts sinister.   But everytime I'd confront, He'd laugh and tell me to chill. He'd
Celia

Celia in Friend

0
Fantasy ~ Mind ~ Reality

Not Understood

I'll be plain and honest, I'm not very strong. Everytime I stand up,  I always fall down.   I'll be plain and honest, Everytime I try, I fail. When they say, "get up," They also say, "it's not a big deal."   I'll be plain and honest, About every word I've heard. "Strong," "smart," "beautiful," It's just a lie in my mind.   I'll be plain and honest, With all the lies aside. Last few months,  I've been thinki
Celia

Celia in Pain

0
Laying Amongst the Daisies

Well I’m back...

At a low point but first time at one of these points where I have a therapist I really like. I have “my body is a cage” stuck on repeat in my head atm. It’s sickeningly appropriate for how I feel.   ***Trigger Warning****   Wanting to crash diet, count cals, keep food journal, look at certain things online. (if you know what I mean, you know..) wanting to feel anything but my feelings...so visualizing self harm a lot. It’s how I cope with not self harming...hav
trying to process

Advice Collection

Collection Of Advice My Therapist Is Giving Me On Trauma 1. You don't have to deal with it. You don't have to ever talk about it. 2. You don't have to decide anything related to your trauma. You are allowed to decide nothing.
taco_lover

taco_lover in Therapy

1
Please no pity

22 - Thoughts on self hatred

I look a lot like my mother. I grew up in a really rural area, the kind of place where everyone knows everyone. So even if I didn't know them, most people knew that I was "biomom's kid." When I was a teenager I used to hate this. It still kind of irritates me, but with several decades of experience, and some blunt stone faced answers to total strangers (more on that some other day) I've learned to deal with it... sorta. It helps that I live hundreds of miles from the little blink-and-you'll-miss
My Therapy Talk

#18 Fear Of How Others Perceive Me

One of the hardest parts of being abused was isolation. I felt cut off from the world. I felt like everyone else in the world is more valuable than me, I was ashamed for wasting their time on me. I was worthless, and they were so successful. They seemed so confident and in control and competent. I was jealous honestly. And I understand my jealousy. I would think, their problems are so small. Additionally, and perhaps much more powerful was my feeling of degradation because I knew I couldn't cont
elisand

elisand in My Blogs

2
My Therapy Talk

#17 Grief When A Loved One Passes

I have experienced a lot of isolation and I know I would not feel sad if many people passed away. However some would matter. How do we handle grief, especially when we have PTSD so we experience things at much greater intensity. Particularly when there's a feeling of guilt. Just yesterday I came across a woman who gave permission to pull the plug on her dad.  The first thing is to try to take good memories of them and highlight them in your mind. Share it. Write it down. It can be a wa
elisand

elisand in My Blogs

0
Blah, Blah, Blog

One Wild Ride

Good news – I’m back! Last time I really blogged, I was about to embark on a new journey as I would be attending a trauma retreat. I did promise daily diary entries to post after I finished but the truth is, I was so exhausted from all the work I was doing that I had no energy to write when I got home at the end of each day. I will, however, go over some of the highlights and give a brief description of how each day went. The retreat was a total of five days long. On the first day, we
Poppy_

Poppy_ in Life

2
Behind the Wall

..........

This grieving thing is way harder than I imagined it would be. It is harder than other people portrayed it to be. I have had other deaths before, grandmothers, aunts, cousins but I have never experienced grief in this manner. I have never felt the grief that comes with the loss of a parent. When I thought it would happen was another 15-20 years from now. Time enough that I could say that she enjoyed her life and got to have a long life. Instead, she was gone before she could even get to old age.
aperson

aperson in Life

0
My Therapy Talk

#15 daily life

What I thought about today I am fighting to create a "Day" for myself. It's so hard for me to be consistent. I've honestly tried but I never figured it out. I realized recently that I didn't really have anything to get up for. It's nice to know that I want to have a productive day and it's so important to acknowledge that I don't feel satisfied about each day, but how do I fill that time?  First I thought I was just hopelessly lethargic. My new therapist challenged me. He said, maybe I
elisand

elisand in My Blogs

0
My Therapy Talk

#14 Welcome To More!

Well guys, I've been away for quite some time! During that time I've learned a few things about myself and life (to say the least!) How do I feel coming back? I feel a lump in my heart. I remember the sadness and pain I was in when I wrote my blogs, and the help and camaraderie that you all offered. It was very dark. I remember feeling nothing would or could get better. I remember the loneliness I always felt in the world. I remember not being able to even write the letter I in capital
elisand

elisand in My Blogs

0
My Abuse Stories

First Abuse

Where do I even start?  More of a... oh boy... can I do this, or even start talking about it?  Uhm, okay, I'm doing this... I guess.  Wish me luck!! 😬   When I was 7 years old, I lived in Texas (TX, USA) with my family (mother, her bf, sister, and soon-to-be born brother - son of her bf).    Referenced name for all of them: Mother - mom Sister - PJ Mom's Ex-husband (bf at the time in TX) - G Brother - I won't be talking about him at all, so I'll leave his
Celia

Celia in Abuse

2
My Abuse Stories

Distance

A little bit about myself & important dates: ~I am 18 years old (born March, 2003). ~My first time being sexually abused was when I was 7 and that abuse continued for 2 years till I was 9. (first abuse) ~I was sexually abused at 11 years old. (second abuse) ~I was very traumatized and forgot everything of my first abuse up till my memories were triggered at 12 years old. ~I was sexually abused at 12 years old. (third abuse) ~My family found out about the first a
Celia

Celia in Myself

2
Fantasy ~ Mind ~ Reality

Regret...

People keep telling me that I was in the right to report something (they know what it is).  Some of them say that I did what was best for my friend.  While the others say that my choices were these: A) I report and she's angry and everything is ruined or B) I don't report it and she commits suicide. Not long after I reported everything and she found out, she said that she never would have committed suicide.  She said she was afraid of death.   Although, all those times she talked to me
Celia

Celia in Friend

0
Fantasy ~ Mind ~ Reality

Amazing... then triggering.

Been a while... I've recently recalled something that I find nagging at me constantly.  How can something you love SO much, suddenly be something you hate and despise the most?  It's very irritating. *Possible Trigger* Well, one day, I had to go to a hotel and while there, I made a phone call to the abuser.  Such a wise choice, huh?  The social worker and my therapist were SO hesitant about me doing it, but the detective said it might help.  Maybe the abuser will confess, right? 
Celia

Celia in Pain

2
Life Gets Better

Better

"It gets better." A phrase I'm sure we've all scoffed at at one time or another. Something none of us thought we could achieve; "better."  The thing that bothered me about it, though, wasn't that I never believed things could get better-- it's that I never believed "better" was going to be good enough. How much better could things possibly get? A few years ago, everything felt hopeless. I didn't see any point in living every day, I didn't know what I was living for. I didn't feel like
AlyssaLane

AlyssaLane in general

0
Fantasy ~ Mind ~ Reality

Naive

Friends, family, Maybe a bf for me. Anyone I like or am close to, I'm naive and can't breathe.    When they ask me to do something, I do it without thought.  Whatever makes them happy, Is all that really counts.   Pic, or a selfie, Maybe audio or a snap. Everytime I try to say no, To them, it's a bunch of crap.   They say they aren't unhappy, When I say no to them. Yet, the look on their face, Shows their p
Celia

Celia in Pain

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