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seems that she disappeared without a trace i made a point to burn all of the photographs she went away and then I took a different path i remember the face, but I can't recall the name now i wonder how whatsername has been and in the darkest night if my memory serves me right i'll never turn back time forgetting you, but not the time

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remember, whatever it seems like forever ago the regrets are useless in my mind she's in my head, i must confess remember, whatever it feels like forever ago the regrets are useless in my mind she's in my head from long ago

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Take away the sensation inside Bittersweet migraine in my head It's like a throbbing toothache of the mind I can't take this feeling anymore Drain the pressure from the swelling, This sensation's overwhelming, Give me a long kiss goodnight And everything will be alright Tell me that I won't feel a thing Give me Novocaine Out of body and out of mind Kiss the demons out of my dreams I get the funny feeling that's alright Jimmy says it's better than air, I'll tell

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i think i should know, how to make love to something innocent without leaving my fingerprints on L-O-V-E's just another word i'll never learn to pronounce  

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pluses and minuses

I am not knowing where to put this, so I thought I would just put it here... <shrug> I'm feeling a bit tender and emotionally sore this morning.  I pushed too hard yesterday, opened a door that had been well wedged closed because I so wanted to bring it to light, but then I had the worst flashback last night that I've had in years.  Most of my flashbacks these days are at worst like having a sort of double exposure, I'm here and now and the bad experience is overlaid on top, so it get

abhaya

abhaya

So Lost

I lost my half sister nine months ago and I am so lost in self hate, self blame, I have spent weeks sexting strange men to distract myself from my grief. My grief is for the loss of her, but she was it, my last blood. I grieve I wasted so much time, envious that she got the safe dad, so much time wasted lost in my pain of my past, I didn't get to love her in the present for the fragile flower my sister was not the entitled princess I had written her to be. I am so lost, lost in sexual addiction,

teleah

teleah

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so far has not been good it's been shitty

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t h e   w o r m s   w i l l   c o m e    f o r   y o u                                                                                    t h e   w o r m s   w i l l   c o m e    f o R   y o u                                    t h e   w O r m s   w i l l   c o m e    f o r   y o U                                                                                 t H e   w o r m S   w i l l   C o m e    f o r   Y o u           t h e   w o  R m s   w i l L   c O m e    F o r   y o u             t h

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you're rotted through and through you're maggot food

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Pure Anxiety

I feel angry right now. I feel so JEALOUS. I suffer from insufferable panic attacks. This week I have been doing something I shouldn't, where I am taking Klonopin around 9pm to help with my night time anxiety. I always tell myself and others, I only take it when I need it, as to not come off as some drug addict. Completely ashamed every time I reach for the bottle. Tomorrow I have to call my psych and tell her my script is running low, even though she only filled it 3 months ago. I know she's go

Zoe--Anastasia

Zoe--Anastasia

Do you smell that?

I was walking the dog in the front yard yesterday afternoon.   The Daughter, who's been attending school remotely 3x per week (the other two days, she is IN the actual brick-and-mortar school) came out and said she was finished with her last class (it was about 2:45pm) and in a sing-songy voice, she says, "it's the weeeeeeeeekend!" I suppose it is.  TGIF? At the time I started writing this, it was still Friday. She then tilted her head towards the heavens, and smiled.  "I can smel

Capulet

Capulet

Living Behind a Wall

I have trouble with the passage of time. The beginning of last week started out really painful and emotional. I was out of my apartment because of the situation I wrote about two blog posts ago, and I was facing two weeks at my mothers house. I was in a state of complete anger and delusion. I was redirecting all that anger towards my roommate/ex/best friend because he was, "kicking me out." Now, those two weeks are almost up. Things don't feel as painful or emotional and I don't feel as angry an

Zoe--Anastasia

Zoe--Anastasia

Making Bad Choices

Let me know if anyone can relate... I have three therapists. One is a talk therapist, where we discuss past traumas and day to day stressors. One is a DBT (dialectical behavioral therapist) therapist and with her we try to work on my anxiety disorder as well as my borderline personality disorder. This is the therapy where I create my tools and learn how to implement them. Meditation, grounding techniques, deep breathing. Lastly, I have my psychiatrist. This woman is a Dr. and nothing more.

Zoe--Anastasia

Zoe--Anastasia

Panicking Right Now

Hello... Since this is my first entry, I will be giving some extra background. This week has been a stressful week. I live with my ex-boyfriend, who is also my best friend. On Friday he asked me to leave. It is hard on him, living with me. When I was a child I was sexually abused by my father. He was a strange man, bachelor, drug abuser, artist, poet, writer, photographer, abuser. There were things he did to me that I am not even honest with myself about half the time. The last time I saw h

Zoe--Anastasia

Zoe--Anastasia

Still too passive about boundaries

I never want to talk to my siblings about our childhood again. They were also abused, so I understand why they want to talk. But I really can't handle it. They have, like, an intellectual curiosity about it. I don't have that at all. It just sucks. It's all incredibly painful. I don't want or need to know any more about what happened. Every frigging time we talk about it, I learn some new twisted, hurtful, or worrying detail. A few things they've told me have so profoundly rocked me that it

matts

matts

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i can't believe what i saw as i turned on the TV, this evening i was disgusted by all the injustice

purge

purge

Intimacy is too much

Hi, I'm new to this and unsure about the whole "online talk therapy" thing, but I'm just giving it a shot because it honestly feels like a diary entry with feedback. Something happened today and it has happened before.  TW  My partner and I used to be very very sexually involved. Like there was a fire between us! But these days, ever since I started uncovering my real sexual trauma, I shiver at the sight of his or my naked body and feel like I'm being ripped apart by any lovi

shaantiamor

shaantiamor

Drinking so i can sleep

I have been drinking so maybe i can sleep...my si urges wont do away...i contacted an ex which was stupid...yet again. Im hoping my T will be able to start weekly therapy. I think if i dont get a handle on this i will never get proper sleep...and im sure hed say drinking so i can sleep is not healthy

behindthesehazeleyes

behindthesehazeleyes

Been awhile

Been awhile since I had a full on flashback. The empty stare into space, feeling bodily sensations and feeling like I was there. I’ve been doing pretty good with therapy but suddenly I remembered new parts of my abuse tonight and I haven’t been able to sleep since. I was honestly questioning if those memories were even real, but the flashback and bodily sensations confirm it.    Dammit.  It basically means I gotta change my tally from 6 rapes to 7. 😕 

khake

khake

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i'm scared at how small my wrists have become

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i hate everything about you why do i love you? i hate you love me

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Self conscious about imposing on friends

My natural way is to be super open and without filter. It feels wrong and sort of hurtful to edit what I am saying, in person or email, so I tend to open my mouth and start talking or writing from the heart and let it all out before I can become self conscious. Online this means I hit send before I have doubts or go back and read it again and over analyze sentences and paragraphs to delete or reword. I worry this is selfish and I should stop. I think it could be. I'd like to think that mayb

matts

matts

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