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for some reason i can't explain
i know saint peter won't call my name
i discovered that my castle stands
upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand
for my head on a silver plate
just a puppet on a lonely string
who would ever want to be king?
So I stopped writing because I felt I wasnt writing anything new. Just repeating the same old same old. The problem is my mind didnt stop thinking the same old stuff. It still thinks and functions like the thought is new.
I am losing at this battle. I have turned further inward. I am cutting people out. I am losing trust and faith and hope. I didnt have a lot of any to start with so losing a drop of any is something I cant afford. I cant/wont speak/write about it. I just want to cry them aw
i'm so tired of saying 'it's okay' when it really isn't
i'm so tired of being let down
i'm so tired of being disappointed
i'm so tired of being let down when i'd need someone the most
what am i supposed to say to that? what am i supposed to do?
am i supposed to act like it's okay when it isn't?
am i supposed to bury my feelings and my hurt and my needs?
that doesn't sound right
maybe this isn't right for me
I want a month long vacation where all i do is rest while someone comforts me and brings me food and touches my head. As a kid I'd often wait for My mother to turn on my light, sit on my bed, and wake me up in the morning. Even when my alarm had already gone off. I miss when the worst thing i had to worry about was if a girl liked me back. I miss horseback riding with My mother. Weirdly enough i used to feel safest in hospitals.
So, it's been a few days, almost a week really, since my last venting via blog.
I was feeling so much like I am failing my niece and nephew. Like the stress of all of this getting to me and why can't it just be like when they were little. When they were preschool age it was easy to motivate them. I had fuckin energy to spare. Wtf happened!?!
Just really judging the eff outta myself, ya know?
But, here's the thing... I'm not the same person I was back then, and neither are they. I
We were kids, you presented it as a game and I joined. We played it for years. You wanted to stopped, so we did. You wanted to start again years after stopping we did start again. We you, I discovered my body, I discovered what I'd like or hate to feel. I'd learn my limits. I thought it was a game and then I was use to it. You manipulated me in order to get what you wanted.
Maybe you loved me more than a friend, but if so why didn't you respected me when I said no multiples time.
sick of all these people talking
sick of all this noise
sick of being poised
now my neck is open wide
begging for a fist around it
already choking on my pride
i'm headed straight for the castle
they want to make me their queen
and there's someone sitting on the throne,
saying that I probably shouldn't be so mean
sick of all these minutes passing
sick of feeling used
if you want to break these walls down
you're going to get bruised
straight for the castle
So, the past month has been kindof an exercise in how much stress I can handle.
My niece and nephew started school. They have a hybrid model, so they are home two days/week and in person three days. At first I was super concerned about them being exposed to other kids at school and bringing home whatever cold is going around. But now I'm kinda at the point where I just need a break.
They have just absolutely forgotten a whole bunch of social skills and somewhere in the last 6 months th
I only started signing on here and already this community means so much to me... each of your stories, your kind, funny, intelligent and courageous personalities that sparkle through the comments and posts offering courage, humor, compassion, creativity and hope. Already, being here has helped me feel so much less alone than I thought would ever happen, and it has stirred up a lot in me. Some of that has been really hard: I had one of the absolute worst flashbacks I have had in a decade, I have
Drag him out your window
Dragging out the dead
Singing "I miss you so"
Snakes and ladders
Flip the lid
Out pops the cracker
Smacks you in the head
Knifes you in the neck
Kicks you in the teeth
Steel toe caps
Let me back, let me back
I promise to be good
Don't look in the mirror
At the face you don't recognize
Help me, call the doctor, put me aside
Put me aside, put me aside,
Put me aside, put me aside
I keep the wolf from the door but he calls me up
I just woke up from a "nap" (I fell asleep at 6, woke up at 9:30) feeling incredibly sad. I went in to my roommates bed and laid down next to him and told him I was feeling depressed and he asked me why but I found myself having trouble communicating, which happens often for me. I told him I wasn't sure why I was feeling that way but I think I have a pretty good idea of why. A lot of has happened in this last week. In my prior posts I talked about staying at my moms, at my roommates (ex boyfrien