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Blogs

Nightly Musings

jealously, jealousy

I’m not a jealous person, but occasionally, it consumes me. It only happens in very specific scenarios. It’s whenever I see someone run well in a race. Jealously may not be the best word- that’s what my abuser told me it was.  However, when I really sit with the feelings, I see it’s so much more than that. It took me years to admit to myself that he negatively affected my life and that I would have been better off without him… but it’s the truth. I feel sad.  I mourn something that I c
Haze_D

Haze_D in Healing

0
A Butterfly's Blog - Therapeutic Journaling in a Safe Space

Road Maps, Marker Pens and Therapeutic Venting

If you've read my previous blog entry you'll know that I'm typing my story, right from the beginning, as part of trauma therapy. I typed it out a couple of years back on here, and a more official version, featuring the man who gave me reason to join this forum, was written for a police statement when I reported him in 2020. I'm now revisiting it again with help from a therapist and new insights, and the words that are spilling out onto my computer screen come from the 44-year-old me, with all th
LisaButterfly

LisaButterfly in Blog

3
my story

i messed up

i had a few drinks the other night and broke my two week streak. im disappointed in myself. and i can always feel the judgement of my roommate if i take cbd capsules or gummies to sleep. i have therapy for the first time in two years tomorrow and im nervous. lately i have been feeling sick and anxious. like i get so nauseous from being anxious i feel the bile at the back of my throat. i met a girl and she made me realize im into girls but then i found out she went to the frat and knew the guy  w
lanie

lanie in journaling

2
Nightly Musings

Four wishes

I wish your words cut like knives. Tearing open my innocent flesh, So that I could see you were a monster. I would have stood a chance. I wish your touch left bruises. My battered body could have matched my broken soul. Skin painted black and purple means run. But I stayed. I wish your kisses were daggers, I would not have mistaken it for love It was a dark, dark hellish force, With the smile of a saint. I wish it was “bad”. The shame wouldn’t live in my body, The guilt wouldn’t eat me aliv
Haze_D

Haze_D in Healing

0
my story

im dealing with it.

starting next week i am going to therapy every thursday. i havent had a drink and gotten high in two weeks. but its been hard. one of the reasons i stopped getting high is because of my roommate even though i only take edibles, she says it makes her uncomfortable. by i cant sleep and my anxiety tics are back. my body spasms uncontrollably and my face twitches, like im blinking really hard. from an outside point of view i look like im tweaking out. in pictures my eyes look so sad. i barely went t
lanie

lanie in journaling

1
When will it change

How long before a slip up..

How long before a slip up is no longer a slip up? How many times can u blame it on something else? Someone else... I feel like no one knows what it feels like and I can't explain... one because... Cutting isn't normal.. well in most people's books. But someone tell me why explain to me why cutting isn't ok.. I mean people bully and torment, harass and belittle. And when you don't do that out wards but inwards.. it's not ok something is wrong... Two.. I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling.
Midnite88

Midnite88 in Blogs

1
Secret formula of life

Changing my secret formula to life

I was never taught how to cook or bake growing up, but I was taught at a very young age that my voice didn't matter. The first 10 years of my life I was silenced. Now at 32 years of age (22 years after speaking out against my abuser) I still feel the ramifications of that silence. I still am that little girl struggling to find my voice. My place.  They say that there is a secret formula to life. That the events that take place always have a response. Which in turn ultimately lead to the out
Lady Anonymous

Lady Anonymous in Life

2
A Butterfly's Blog - Therapeutic Journaling in a Safe Space

Painting pictures with words

I don't know why I didn't come back here sooner - it's amazing how a few chats with folk who 'get it' without judgement can help you feel less alone - and so many of you are fighting your own battles and need a friend to sit with.  In my first blog entry I mentioned how writing is, for me, like picking up a brush to paint a picture. The words are my colours, and today there's going to be less black in the picture. Over the last few days, the world has looked a bit more colourful. The 'Traum
LisaButterfly

LisaButterfly in Blog

4
Nightly Musings

Lying to myself

I don't think I've been completely honest with myself. I've been telling myself that I'm good. That I've been handling the case and the flashbacks that have come with the territory of recalling the abuse over and over again. And objectively, from the outside, I have been. I got into my dream PhD program. I've been excelling at my job. I've been making new friends in a completely new place. But I've started using drugs. Typing that brings a wave of shame and denial. Thats not me. If you knew me,
Haze_D

Haze_D in Bumps

2
A Grain of Salt & A Pound of Chocolate

Update time!

Hi, all!  I just wanted to pass by with a quick (maybe?) update, for I know that I have been extremely neglectful to my blog lately.  I've been around on the site, though - that is unchanging.  Even so, I don't like feeling so disconnected from my blog.  It's always been a place I would come to write things out and process - a place to share things I've had on my mind, a place to gain feedback and support.  I confess that lately, I've not known what to say about anything, so in turn, I've n
Capulet

Capulet in Blogs

4
OrigamiFlower

2/28/22

This is another update, to be honest, I am not doing amazing. It has been a crazy struggle recently to get up and feel energized. I have felt this weird sensation as if I have been dreaming this entire time since my last update. I have felt very ugly and not very motivated. Lately, the past month, I have done almost nothing, but workout consistently, it has seemed to be my only escape from everything. I feel almost trapped within my own thoughts and the memories of the past. Mostly a memory I ha
OrigamiFlower

OrigamiFlower in Update

1
Nightly Musings

Memories and holes

It scares me that I feel you slipping away. Or maybe you were never there in the first place. Gaping holes in my memories endlessly taunt me. I should remember the first time with you, yet I only remember the emotions. The confusion. The racing heart and sweaty palms mistakenly taken as love. I remember you asking permission, after you had already done it. I remember not wanting to upset you, so of course, I smiled and said it was okay. You were smart, cunning perhaps. You made sure to woe
Haze_D

Haze_D in Healing

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A Butterfly's Blog - Therapeutic Journaling in a Safe Space

The Trauma Train

I'm on the Trauma Train and I want to get off, but how do you do that when the loud, grubby steam engine you've been on since childhood is hurtling through desolate landscapes and dark tunnels with no welcoming stations or comfortable rest-stops on-route?  The train carriage I'm in at the moment is empty, it's just me here and I hate my own company. I hate the shell I'm trapped in and frighten myself silly with my own thoughts. I'm so lonely. Then I remembered After Silence - a train statio
LisaButterfly

LisaButterfly in Blog

5
Journaling 🫀✨

Isolation-fest 2022

I've been on an especially intense isolation streak lately. Usually I can try to get support online even though I have very little human interaction in real life. But lately, it feels too overwhelming and pointless. Talking to people online is hugely helpful, but the problem is that I'm lacking deeper relationships (especially offline) that feel satisfying. This has always been my pattern and it's becoming worse as I get older. Human connection is scary. It is so, so fucking scary. Because
moop

moop in pain

0
Recovery isn't linear

You never said I love you.

I always thought what you were doing was love. The truth is you never said I love you to me. You would say things similar but you never uttered the words I love you. It was so hard to believe that now you are with River and telling them I love you all the time. I never got that. I got your sexual frustrations. I got your leftovers. I got the manipulative, narcissistic, cruel part of you. I got more affection out of River than you ever gave me. you screwed me over and treated me like crap.  
AudreyP

AudreyP in Feels

0
Nightly Musings

Pretty Lies

There are things I needed to believe. It was the only way to survive. I bartered a piece of myself with the promise that I would get through it. Less whole, less me, but at least it wouldn’t hurt as much. I wanted this. It’s what you told me when tears streamed down my burning cheeks after you kissed me. It’s what I told myself when your hands traveled up the inside of my thigh in your classroom. It’s what I held onto when you asked if I wanted to come inside your house. I knew
Haze_D

Haze_D in Healing

5
Behind the Wall

I am not ready for this

This week marks the beginnning of Mama getting sick, finding out it was COVID, being hospitalized and leaving us. I thought I would be prepared for this but I am not really. Friday is the day that she began getting sick. It's the day that this nightmare began. It is still so hard to believe that she isnt here and many days I find that the only way to get through it is to pretend she is and I just am not going to talk to her that day. The realization of anything different is so much more painful.
aperson

aperson in Life

0
my story

im so tired of trying again

I am losing myself again. i thought i was getting better but i am not at all. i havent had any panic attacks lately but i am slipping back into bad habits. i barely eat 400 calories a day, i dont sleep much and when i do its only because i drink alcohol or get high, i am letting my dishes pile up and the same with my laundry, i am snapping at those around me for no reason, i am isolating myself so i dont hurt their feelings but do so in the process, i am getting behind in schoolwork, i want to s
lanie

lanie in I am ruining myself

2
PearlofMary

New Kitten

There's a dot on my page.  The full page is white and in the space between is a dot.  I've heard the analogy before.  If you have, you know what i refer to is a way of limiting the power of the dot. For the rest of the page, like the rest of the story can be forgotten in the moment the blotch occurred. I physically had to forget to be able to forge on as a child.  I mentally had to remember as an adult to move on and to heal properly.  I would not have ever survived either incident if
PearlofMary

PearlofMary in The Dot

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Recovery isn't linear

Golden retriever boy

https://open.spotify.com/track/20M00steJbkD9bCIUCuHPI?si=fwC28R6dTtGBlLRhYvTCbA&utm_source=copy-link This song just hits different. my abuser was the definition of a golden retriever boyfriend. our shared partner and I would always make the joke that hes truly a GRBF. It wasn't until after i was out of his clutches that i realized he was a groomer and manipulative POS. This song just hits me in the feels because it reminds me of how I fell for his narcissistic personality. I love t
AudreyP

AudreyP in Feels

0
Blah, Blah, Blog

Empty

Hey. It’s been a while. I think something is wrong. I don’t know what, exactly. I just feel so off. I feel disconnected from everything. I feel disconnected from my friends, from my family, from my therapist, from my feelings. I’ve been telling my therapist for weeks that I just feel so numb and empty and I don’t know why. I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve never had a hard time connecting with how I’m feeling. I’ve had issues identifying specific emotions, but I always knew I was feeling SOM
Poppy_

Poppy_ in Life

2
Journaling 🫀✨

Hypersexuality is a cruel symptom.

My hypersexuality is a sneaky, hidden trait. To most people I come across as very modest and sex averse. I'm afraid of wearing anything that shows skin because I'm insecure about my body and don't want people to pay attention to it. I have the body language of someone who is ashamed to exist. It's rare for me to talk about sex. But privately, I'm obsessed with sex.  Or at least obsessed with performing sexual behaviors to control the feelings I have from being raped. I've been com
moop

moop in pain

1
InnerChild/ShadowWork

Me now: "so you're the main character huh?" (a bit of silliness)

bbme: I think so! at least that's how I feel. I like playing my part, I mean I know I'm not the only one here, but Isn't It fun to play the hero? to be the plot of the movie?. It's like I'm a part of something big, like I'm special, do you think I'm special? It's certainly a nice feeling. Who knows, sooner or later the FBI will contact us for a big mission and we have to be there ASAP!!! we just have to be ready....If there's an emergency In the world I would gather all my friends and then the g
sk8er

sk8er in Fun

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