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Hey, AS family!
How're you all doing?
I'd like to first preface this journal entry by making clear that I am in NO WAY blaming any of you for the traumatic experiences you've endured at the hands of others. THEY are the ones responsible - not you. THEY chose to harm you - therefore, THEY are one hundred percent at fault. This journal entry is one of my rare emotion-dumps that may or may not make sense, given the hour. It will make sense later, though, I promise. We have a snow day
I see him everywhere. I see him in the bus driver, in the customers at work, even in the staff. I can’t stop seeing people that could be him. It’d been almost 5 years since I’d seen him and I didn’t know what he looked like anymore.
I put it off for a while but I kept thinking about it and I had to know if any of the people I’d seen were him or not. So I looked him up on Facebook. There were only two pictures and on the most recent one his mum commented “my beautiful boy xx”. If only she kn
Very weirdly, I’ve just seen my T in the park- we live in the same village. As I had handed over my little self to her I’m the session this week I was thinking about her more than usual this weekend (I don’t tend to between sessions much). I was secretly hoping to bump into her, was even looking at people thinking is that her. And then there she was! She smiled and I smiled back I was on my bike with my daughter. Wonder if it’s a sign? A reminder that little me is being taken care of.
Did I ever tell you It was okay to be as loud as you wanted? be as much as you wanted?
Imagine being alone In an empty room with some eco In it...knowing you, you'd probably start singing a little tune to hear how It sounds. Eco's are an interesting sound, right? so why wouldn't you try It out, and If you're alone you could do It as much as you wanted to, as much as you needed to. No one would tell you to stop or say that you were being too loud, too much. There's nothing inherently wrong w
I haven't been posting much on here because my mood disorder has been difficult to deal with. Lots of rapid ups and downs. Addressing my trauma in therapy has been very difficult because when I get triggered badly it usually makes my mood shift into hypomania (which feels fun and euphoric for about a day or two, then turns into agitation, restlessness, and severe sensory issues).
I'm trying meds again and it's been tough. I found one that helps me sleep. But TBH I'm not getting frequent eno
My dad and my stepmom are getting a divorce. Those are the news at my home, or...well It's not my home, and you'll know why In a second.
For context, just a few weeks before my stepmom asked my dad for a divorce, she wanted to claim the house as her own, In case anything would happen to my dad (which I understand because my dad shouldn't be working at his age and has had a lot of problems regarding economic safety as well as his own personal health). He' s 75 years old, just so you get the
Today, I am consumed by thoughts.
Thoughts that I can’t run from or escape. Thoughts that sit on my chest and make it nearly impossible for my lungs to fill with air. Thoughts that are like rain inside my head and it’s flooding and I can’t contain it and the floods are causing damage and it’s all out of my control. A natural disaster in my brain.
My limbs feel like lead and my eyelids are heavy with worry. This is one of those days that I want to turn the world off and catch my breath.
im seeing a psychiatrist soon. i relapsed and my tics are getting worse. i feel like a burden to my roommate. im just tired of feeling this way. i have so many things i want to do i dont have time for this.
TRIGGER WARNING FOR GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF SA. PLEASE BE CAUTIOUS IF READING AHEAD.
EMDR is rough.
At my last T session, K and I processed some SA trauma that took place when I was about 6-7 years old. Some of it, I was prepared for. I knew he tried to have sex with me in a closet. Some of you may even know that. If You want the story on that one, I have a blog titled “The Closet” where I delve into what I remembered from that event. I don’t remember all of the details… I don’t t
Today marks 26 years since my rape. It's surreal that this much time has gone by while sometimes, it feels as if it were only yesterday.
Thank you to those of you who reached out with hugs and words of support and encouragement today - as well as the days leading up to today. I loathe 10/4 with every fiber of my being but knowing you're all thinking of me does help.
I just want you all to know that I am doing all right. The last few weeks have been cloudy, and I expect I will remain in a
i need to confess. i am planning on hurting myself tonight, just to see if it still helps me deal. ive been clean almost six years. but in a few days it will have been a year since ive been assaulted. i have all these feelings and i just need some type of release. i just want to see if it will work. im not okay. i have therapy tomorrow so we will see how that goes. my new meds are having weird effects too. i need to call my doctor. i am hurting and i just wish i could breathe. i feel like the w
mom,
you dont understand and i dont want you to
if you did, id be able to talk to you
but if you did, i know that means youll relate and hurt like me
but it hurts even more that you dont understand and i hate that i feel that way.
i just wanted my mom. not some woman i love pushing religion down my throat.
i just wanted a hug. i wanted comfort. not a lesson i already learned.
i didnt need a review.
people tell me how horrible you are.
without prompt, they count the ways they would hang you,
spit in your face.
and as they tell me, they look at me for reassurance,
but I give them none.
i wish i hated you.
i wish i too had a long list of excruciating deaths I could serve you.
they say you deserve that,
you killed a piece of me,
an eye for an eye, a life for a life?
i’m not so sure.
i know i’m supposed to feel the anger in my bones.
i sometimes think something is wrong with me.
perhap
Do you know that I think of you every day?
Not the way you’d hope.
My mind contorts reality as you seep into every waking moment,
every cell screams to be released from the prison I call my body.
Do you know I don’t sleep?
When my head hits the pillow, I feel you beside me.
I feel your heavy navy-blue comforter pressing on my body.
Your hands,
they strangle like vines.
Do you kno
it's been a long time since I've written anything here. I've wanted to though, but mostly I haven't had time or been too exhausted to write. Yeah...even writing was exhausting.
I gotta be honest, It's not much different from how I'm writing right now because I still feel drained almost everyday. But If I stop writing It'll make It worse. Writing has always been a good way to cope with things, at least to me.
I like to think of this place as a space for to readers to exist together. It'
I've been feeling really nostalgic lately, an old anime I used to watch as a kid got a reboot and it just sends me back in time. I remember when I was playing with my best friend at the time, we had this scenario of our 26yo future self coming to us to help us fight the bad guys. Why we picked 26yo, I don't know, but since i'm getting older and wiser, maybe it's time to make fiction into reality, and write a letter to my 11yo, innocent self.
------
Dear young me,
You probably don'
I can pinpoint where this all started.
I know when I became a construction worker and started on my first project of building a sky-high wall around my heart. I know when I decided that it was easier to just “be okay” than to try to get help or talk to someone. In some ways, I was right. If you asked me how I’ve been doing the last few weeks, I would tell you that I’ve been great. Life has been fun and exciting, and I don’t cry anymore, and I don’t feel like I need anyone. For the first tim
You have so many walls up, and for good reason. But I’m begging you to listen to what I have to say and understand that this is coming from a place of love. I know what you’ve been through, and I know what you’re going to go through. My heart breaks for the pain you are endlessly suffering through.
You have done nothing wrong. You have not seduced him. You are not a nymphet with an appetite for older men. You are a child. All you want is an adult who believes in you and unconditionally sup
46 days.
46 days and it will have been a year since my assault. i am back on campus and for the most part i dont get anxious leaving my room everyday, only sometimes. ive only had a few panic attacks in the past week. i feel like my roommate thinks im all better because i can talk about boys again with out being triggered. she talks about this guy she likes all the time and interrupts my studying bc she is always facetiming him or wants to tell me what he did or how she really wants to slee
I read a lot of sexual assault materials and news reports in order to be able to help academics as a source of valid information. I have some interesting tags on the sub Reddit that I do moderate. One of them is, “you had one goddamn job do your job and stop complaining.”
LOUISIANA PROUD
This week I actually saw swift justice to a post where there was a woman who signaled to a constable and also law enforcement officer that there was a rape in progress. The woman reporting was ignored
Here is a guide on processing trauma including the experts Here’s What ‘Processing’ Trauma Really Means—And How It Helps You Heal
I have dedicated personal time to a Reddit sub that collects case info on perpetrators as well as trauma-informed aftermath resources to assist survivors. Occasionally someone will post a follow up and more recently people are less fearful to do so which makes me a ‘proud mod momma’ knowing that a large percentage of people are coming out of the haze of sufferin
over the weekend i was invited to spend the night with my friend and her 3 guy friends. one of them is gay, another ive known for years and the other is like a stranger. so is the one who is gay but i was nervous around him. i actually had a really good time the whole night and my cheeks were hurting from smiling so much. i didnt even think about the fact i was hanging out with three other guys. i am glad i went. i like to think it is progress. but sometimes the most random things still trigger
