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Naive

Friends, family, Maybe a bf for me. Anyone I like or am close to, I'm naive and can't breathe.    When they ask me to do something, I do it without thought.  Whatever makes them happy, Is all that really counts.   Pic, or a selfie, Maybe audio or a snap. Everytime I try to say no, To them, it's a bunch of crap.   They say they aren't unhappy, When I say no to them. Yet, the look on their face, Shows their p

Celia

Celia in Pain

It feels like it will always hurt

I keep trying to deal with her death and it is a struggle. I started therapy a couple of weeks ago to yry and prevent some severe depression. I have had 2 sessions and I cant say it is helping or not. The time until her services was horrible including the day she passed. The time sense is a fog. I spend much of my day trying to ignore that she isnt here any more. The rest is spent thinking of her. My home phone we never use so I havent checked the voicemail in years. I was going through it

aperson

aperson in Life

OBSESSED - a slam poem

I find myself obsessed with a lot of things. With blood, with hurt, with the thin lines of pain streaming across my body. But with you? No. I am not obsessed.  Even though I can't breathe when you're not around and the sun doesn't shine as bright when you're gone. The birds don't sing and my heart feels heavy in your absence. Music doesn't make sense and words don't rhyme, the sky isn't blue and my heart isn't mine when you're not here. Obsessed? No. I am not obsessed.  My brain thinks

RED - a slam poem

***The following post has a trigger warning for self harm. Though based on factual events, I am currently 75 days clean from self harm. Please take caution when reading this as it is very graphic and detailed.***   One cut.  It's not that deep. The sting is there, the blood trickles, the metal gleams in the light. I think to myself, 'what have I done?', but it's too late to go back now. I press on.  The second cut is a bit deeper.  There's more blood this time. It bubble

Bloodline

Fucking pissed, Losing my mind. I'm definitely gonna cut, It's happening tonight.   Gonna cut and bleed, Just as I cry. Tearline, bloodline, Watch it all drip away.   Feel the pain, Feel the burn. This is real, And it hurts.   I don't care, Cut away. The pain is bad, Drives me to cut deeper.   No regret, I'm fucking done. Cut so deep, I can't remember.   Is there a vein?

Celia

Celia in Pain

Stand Tall

Hey, how are you doing today? I hope things are well, and things are okay. I hope you see a future as bright as you, Never look down, you must do what you do.   Be strong, be tough,  I know you have it in you. Let's make them proud, And show them what we can all do.   Give it our hardest, To pass this test. Though the most important thing is, Try your best!    Do all you can, Stand up real tall. Show the world,

What I Accomplished Today

Because a really great friend sent me something to lift my spirits today and it helped, I think I should list the positives for the day (no matter how small) I laughed today - I genuinely laughed and smiled. I dont even remember what for (probably a silly TikTok) but I did it and that is what matters. No tears today -  It hurts and I miss her still but I didnt cry and that is ok. It doesnt mean I dont miss her any more or less than the day before or that I have forgotten her. I wa

aperson

aperson in Life

Erasing her from the world

Her husband seems to want to erase her from his life quickly. I just dont understand it. I know everyone grieves in their own way but he seems to want to erase every trace of her after her services. I am trying to hold on to every memory I can. Most of the time I am trying to keep her alive. Her things, I want them. Her pictures, I want them. Her things, I want them as she left them. At least let me accept that she is gone first.  So Sunday I am going to pack up her things. I am going to pa

aperson

aperson in Life

Struggling

I hate to admit it but i am struggling. The days between my mom's death and burial of her ashes were manageable.  There was something to do each day. Now that is done, I find it harder to cope. I feel like I failed her on the last thing she asked of me. Daily I think of reasons to call her and each time is followed by she cant answer. I wanted to call her to share that her first great grandchild was born but I couldnt. He was born the night of her viewing. 12 hours before we were to put her ashe

aperson

aperson in Life

It's official

It's official, She's gone away. Blocked my account, Can't see my name.   She left the doc, Both of them. Can't see her pic, Cause she's gone for good.   Lost all her friends, She blocked them too. Even my close friend, Now she's fucking confused.   Texting me like crazy, I'm going out of my mind. Blaming me for what happened, But said she's on my side?   Said it's alright, She said it's all f

Celia

Celia in Friend

Constant reminder

This one isn't a poem today, unfortunately.  I think it'd make things easier for me if it was, heh.  Although, today, I'm just going to talk about something.  More of a "someone."  This "someone" is my mother's bf.  I'll say, "Mark."  Now, technically, I wouldn't consider Mark much of my mom's bf.  More of less, six years ago when I was 12 years old, my family needed to move out immediately and so she found Mark online who was looking for a roommate.  Well, he came with a few cons.  More like, a

Celia

Celia in Pain

Pain tonight

My head,  The pain.    My chest, The strain.   My eyes, The game.   My thoughts, The drain.    There, What's that sound?   Here, I wanna drown.   Thoughts, Just wanna play.   Games, Gonna stay.   Memories, Through the day.   Punishment, You must pay.    Words, They're gonna say.   Things,  Once made.   Sounds, Not

Celia

Celia in Pain

My dear friend

The picture above,  Is made from someone I know. She was an artist and a singer, She had a very special glow.   Me not cutting for a long time, Was all thanks to her. She helped me through so much, And I promised to be with her forever.   I swore to be by her side, I swore it'll all be alright. Look at the disappointment that lies, I'm the cause of all those ties.   Now she's gone, My dearest friend. Was a siste

Celia

Celia in Friend

Hard to accept

I've done some things, Hard to explain. All the complications, All the frustrations.     I was in the right, I did the right thing.   But my head is stubborn, Not very accepting.    Now all the confusion, My head is hurting.   I want to cut and cry, But I can't do any harming.    I'm stuck on these words, Of all the people around me. Different opinions, I don't know what to think now.   Getting me

Celia

Celia in Accepting

Grieving and Family....

I have 4 days until my mother's services and every day is like a rollercoaster. It doesnt take but a small thing to send me ready to cry like a big baby. I know that grief is a process but I dont know that I fully expected this. The closer it gets the more irritated and annoyed I get by just about everyone and every thing. Sad part is i feel like I am in a battle between supporting her husband and her siblings on what they want/expect. They are not that fond of him because he doesnt really toler

aperson

aperson in Life

This is all so unreal

TRIGGER WARNING FOR DEATH/GRIEF     My mother is gone and it is so hard to believe that right now. She went peacefully with her kids and husband by her side. We held on to the hope that additional treatment would give her time to heal her body but when we saw her in person, we realized that the only thing that was keeping her here were the machines that were breathing for her. I have so many conflicting emotions about that and a lot of guilt about how I handled the situation from

aperson

aperson in Life

Lone Wolf

I know they always talk about how important it is to have a support system. I don't have that. I can't talk to my mom because she doesn't know, my husband doesn't want to talk about it, my best friend has her own stuff going on and I respect that, and my therapist--who is great, when we meet--cancels a lot and is always late. All I have is me. And it is really really lonely. 

Via

Via in Healing

She isnt gone but this feels like grief

My mama is still in the hospital in serious condition on the ventilator. Some days are good and others seem like just one more thing going wrong. The pneumonia is still present but slowly declining. Then there are the other things like fluctuating blood pressure, heart rate and blood sugar. Then there is the monitoring of her kidneys which are also declining. She has been on a ventilator  for 8 days now. These are the most nerve wracking 8 days ever.  I havent heard her voice in 11 days. We

aperson

aperson in Life

Feeling better

While I am still dealing with all the old memories and new feelings I am doing better. I have talked to my bf and a couple of close friends and its amazing how good just telling someone the truth feels. Thankful that I have these people in my life.  Dealing with a lot of anger towards my mother but working through that as well. I know there isn't any need to look to my family for support, other than my daughters, they all want to keep their heads in the sand.  I'm hoping I can tell my

Catjaz

Catjaz in Blessed

21 - O2ctopus

So, I grabbed my bag that was next to the door and headed to my sister's car. (For full backstory, read the previous post - #20) I had had a few seconds to throw my wallet, sketchbook, a few pads, pencils and liner pens, and water bottle in a little bag. After the first epi shot they had me on an iv bag and the nurse said she'd be checking on me off and on. The iv bag would take about an hour, and sorry there's no tv. Lol. I hadn't even noticed. I asked if she minded if I drew and

RubyRosie

RubyRosie in Art

20 - Anaphylaxis

TW -  I went to the ER with a bad reaction to a new med. It was really quick how it happened and I was mostly calm during it, but I am still just kinda processing it all. It's probably the closest I've been to death myself. This is a copy/paste from my status update on my profile.   So, I had to go into the ER on Wednesday. I had a delayed onset allergic reaction to the humira shot from the week before.   The rest of this story is pretty bad, but I'll just leave

I'm back, years later...

Wow, it's been a long time since I've visited this site. I honestly can't even remember where I was in life when I was last here. Though my past blog entries give me a glimpse of a woman who was desperate and co-dependent and depressed. (I am still a few of those things). In these few years, I ended things with the man I thought I was in love with and met someone who I actually did fall in love with! Then that ended in December and I am left here, single and still in love with him but attempting

lunarosa

lunarosa in blog

The past 2 weeks...whew...never want to do that again

I have been trying to make a post for almost a week about where I am mentally and emotionally at this point and I just haven't been successful. So maybe I start from the last entry and see where this goes..... I have been taking on the care for my mom since Feb. She wasnt incapable of caring for herself but she definitely needed assistance. The last stroke affected her mentally and physically more than before. She needed assistance to walk and comb her hair. She wasnt capable of fixing a fu

aperson

aperson in Life

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