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***Please be aware that this is written from the perspective of an adult Sprout. I am maintaining enough control to be sure the post stays within AS guidelines, but the words belong to her. She has been feeling very unheard lately. In this post she has a voice. (And for what it's worth, "C" is me.)*** I'm shaking. Damn it to hell and back backwards, I'm shaking! This never happens. And all over a stupid psych nurse. C is a niave little idiot sometimes-- she actually believes that people
I did not sleep this night. Not a minute. In the early morning my parents got the keys for the house, and around half past eight we drove of. Basically, the house belongs to my "family", but since they are running out of money it belongs to the state. It is located a bit northeast of the city, so it took us a while to get there. By the time it came into sight, across some fields, my parents stopped. They asked me if I am sure about this, and, after I had thought about it for a moment (and shown
So... Sunday morning, in a village in the southeast of germany. I hardly fell asleep saturday night, so I didn't calculated much sleep. At 7:10 I had to get up, but I was completly awake around 6:30. About one hour later we left the hotel, at least 30 minutes earlier than planned. It wasn't the police station I went to after I had been freed, this was the small one of this village. But that also meant that I would talk about my past with a couple of total strangers. Our way to the police staiton
This morning (3. August) at 9 o'clock I departed heading south. I hadn't slept the night before, not a minute. I was just hugely afraid of returning. I am supposed to tell the police about a "regular customer" from backthen, who has been arrested about two weeks ago. In addition, I will visit my parents "farm", which is out for sale since some time. My t convinced me that it will help me getting along with my past. On the train from sylt to the german mainland it sort of "hit me" what I was on t
in aug My Second attack come up Just to be alive What been thow. I Went on Blind Date set up bye a girlfriend of mine set t up. we meet at night club had good time walk to car he out no were he slap me in face i fell hit the light pole then he drag me too his van were rape me i park lot. Then he Tie me up took he took me to Warehouse were he would beat me rape. then he hook me on coke and he would pass me off to his friends. Then take to party were i would have too entertand them This go w
Where I grew up, how I lived and what happened when on the run is important. Born in Juneau, but didn't really reside there until I was five. From 5 to 15 I lived in my hometown; yet when I was born and the moment I reached mid-twenties, I had moved every four years of my life; either within the city, outside the town or another state - even outside the country - I had unhappily moved all my life during the formative years. But while growing up in the state's capital, I had developed a love, a f
Because I'm starting again, and although I have the permission of both my mother and the abuser himself, in blogging my story and decided a name change was necessary for my benefit. To make it clear - don't respect them. Don't care. But would like to avoid any legal hassles should one occur. The abuser - "Toby" Ma' - "Lea" Sister - "Madchen" Others will change as I progress the blogging. Really think it all sucks, but whatever. Those are the three central to the story I write
I can't say we lived a Rockefeller lifestyle or that we lived as happily as the Brady family. My life was chaos and temporary because we lived on the road for a few years. We lived this nomadic life where my mom was a bit of a gypsy;somehow, someway we managed to etch out a life in - of all places - Albuquerque, NM for over a year. Not really knowing until years later, my mother was a hippy and had a knack for meeting some really cool people along the way. I have a few fond memories of that tim
Yeah. When sequestered to a silent room and the company of a wall clock is the only companion, my mind rolls back the clock to a different time. Might even say an era. For every beginning, there is an end and for my life, the end of an era began with my grandparents. This story I unfold is as much as mine as it is theirs. I would not have been here if not for them They might have had their faults, too, but as with all people we have to dig deeper and see what good is in them. I loved them both,
I've had a few pretty rubbish days, where I fell into a pit of hopelessness about it all wishing I could feel better, have a 'normal' life. My current boyfriend helped me though it, making me remember i can do it, I can move on from it as much as is possible. I nearly gave up on everything unti he reminded me what I have, and how my future will be. He gave me hope. I still wish it never happened, I remember every detail, how dirty it made me feel, how I wish it didnt happen and my life was witho
Big dark fire burning inside of me. Waiting for the cold to erase Erase me from this time and place. Blood trickling down my thighs Thinking to myself is this it Am I going to die? Bloody hands roaming through every inch of my body As if you are painting a hideous story. I guess that makes you the artist and I your canvas. Drifting in and out of Consciousness I wonder am I the only one? A tear runs down my face You wipe it away. Lean over my body to kiss my cheek I close my eyes. Whe
This is my first post, I hope it may help others knowing that they are not alone in their feelings and thoughts. I was r*ped by my first serious boyfriend at age 16, he slashed my thighs with a knife then forced himself on me. Afterwards he raped me several times until we broke up. It is an event I still have nightmares about, though they are getting less frequent thankfully. Being abused in this manner is not something you can simply get over, despite what an old friend told me, the thoughts, e
This is my first post, I hope it may help others knowing that they are not alone in their feelings and thoughts. I was r*ped by my first serious boyfriend at age 16, he slashed my thighs with a knife then forced himself on me. Afterwards he raped me several times until we broke up. It is an event I still have nightmares about, though they are getting less frequent thankfully. Being abused in this manner is not something you can simply get over, despite what an old friend told me, the thoughts, e
How very strange this life is. A few short years ago I'd have been hard-pressed to name five people who would be genuinely shattered if I died. Plenty would have been sad...but push to shove I had more fingers than friends. Those last weeks before I left my hometown, the only reason I stayed alive was revenge. Much as I may have wanted to kill myself (and God knows I thought about it...) I refused to. Offing myself would have done a nice job of cleaning up my father's mess for him; me and m
I'm new but have been suffering for a long time, 17yrs in silence and denial. And by the grace of God finally got the courage to admit to myself and others what happened. I was 17. The first incident was my ex boyfriends friend the second was a guy who I had met once who came back to the house and basically broke in. Both incidents caused me to become practically a shut in, afraid they might find me I found it difficult to even leave the house. So as hard as it is for me to reach out and dea
So about a month or so ago I posted a blog or forum about my vacation plans. To talk to my aunt about my molestion/raped and to talk to my older brother that I know that he molested me while I was sleeping... First off I would like to say I had a blast and I wish didnt have to leave so soon! There's never enough time to see friends and family when you've been away from home for 3-4yrs! But I also had a lot of time for soul searching. Which made me feel negative and slightly sour feeling for most
It's 3:20 in the morning and I am struggling. I feel lost in depression this week. I feel really weak and ridiculous. I am noticing even more all of the ways that trauma has affected my life. I went back to the museum for the first time since I got fired. I had a dream internship there straight out of undergrad. in 2011 and unfortunately had a lot of reenacting going on where I remained in a very toxic situation. The bosses I was working for were mentally and emotionally abusive. I subconscious
It's strange how you fall in love and your past becomes your present once again. I had trauma group yesterday morning and it came to me...I was stockholm syndromed just like I was as a kid with my unstable mother and step-father. I let Scott mentally and emotionally abuse me because I loved him. Maybe I was able to stand my ground as my own person with Nathan, the boyfriend before Scott, because I didn't love him. In fact...I never wanted to date Nathan and told him so after 2 days of dating
It been long time i went to sleep at night alone. it happen few time it happen after come here and chat with all love peeps here. It feel safe here it dose help not seen his face Night after night. I know it well not last but happy if can last more then one night ok i got to go more later
I just watched American Horror Story Asylum (Season 2) for the first time with my roomies, and we were on the second episode when I hit trigger city. I feel awful. I have all of these urges, but I have never indulged them...and the fact that I will spend a lifetime battling these triggers makes me fear the worst. I worry that I will get tired and give up on it all. I don't want to, but being triggered like this about what happened in December makes me feel so powerless, so angry, and so afraid o
I have always wanted to start a blog, charting my journey, to help learn from others, and hopefully to help others not feel so alone I have been dealing with this stuff since i was 3 years old Yet I wasn't talking about it until I was a teenager I am just NOW trying to get thru and figure out my triggers, memories, and how to live healthily without drugs/alcohol/codependence on others It is rough. I was in so much pain for all of my life, but used different coping mechanisms to get by. Playing o
Today I returned to my residential facility for their alumnae night and letting go ceremony. I burnt drawings of T., A., and A. It felt good to watch them burn. I felt a little guilty...like I was burning a voodoo doll or something, and then I came back to earth...this is for me. I am cauterizing a wound. I am letting them go. I am ending my suffering so that I can move on. I also let go of pictures of my relationship, the happiest moment of my life caught on film in frame three, and letters he
*MIGHT BE TRIGGERING* I have had nightmares the past two nights. I hate the nightmares sometimes they feel just as bad as the abuse. Tuesdays nightmare was so bad and so real I was actually happy when my alarm went off and woke up saying "Oh thank God." I was so happy to wake up and for the dream not to be real! This morning I woke up and so was relieved when I realized the dream was not real, it felt so real. Tuesdays dream was not about the abuse but it was about one of my abusers coming after
