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This is my first post, I hope it may help others knowing that they are not alone in their feelings and thoughts. I was r*ped by my first serious boyfriend at age 16, he slashed my thighs with a knife then forced himself on me. Afterwards he raped me several times until we broke up. It is an event I still have nightmares about, though they are getting less frequent thankfully. Being abused in this manner is not something you can simply get over, despite what an old friend told me, the thoughts, e
How very strange this life is. A few short years ago I'd have been hard-pressed to name five people who would be genuinely shattered if I died. Plenty would have been sad...but push to shove I had more fingers than friends. Those last weeks before I left my hometown, the only reason I stayed alive was revenge. Much as I may have wanted to kill myself (and God knows I thought about it...) I refused to. Offing myself would have done a nice job of cleaning up my father's mess for him; me and m
I'm new but have been suffering for a long time, 17yrs in silence and denial. And by the grace of God finally got the courage to admit to myself and others what happened. I was 17. The first incident was my ex boyfriends friend the second was a guy who I had met once who came back to the house and basically broke in. Both incidents caused me to become practically a shut in, afraid they might find me I found it difficult to even leave the house. So as hard as it is for me to reach out and dea
So about a month or so ago I posted a blog or forum about my vacation plans. To talk to my aunt about my molestion/raped and to talk to my older brother that I know that he molested me while I was sleeping... First off I would like to say I had a blast and I wish didnt have to leave so soon! There's never enough time to see friends and family when you've been away from home for 3-4yrs! But I also had a lot of time for soul searching. Which made me feel negative and slightly sour feeling for most
It's 3:20 in the morning and I am struggling. I feel lost in depression this week. I feel really weak and ridiculous. I am noticing even more all of the ways that trauma has affected my life. I went back to the museum for the first time since I got fired. I had a dream internship there straight out of undergrad. in 2011 and unfortunately had a lot of reenacting going on where I remained in a very toxic situation. The bosses I was working for were mentally and emotionally abusive. I subconscious
It's strange how you fall in love and your past becomes your present once again. I had trauma group yesterday morning and it came to me...I was stockholm syndromed just like I was as a kid with my unstable mother and step-father. I let Scott mentally and emotionally abuse me because I loved him. Maybe I was able to stand my ground as my own person with Nathan, the boyfriend before Scott, because I didn't love him. In fact...I never wanted to date Nathan and told him so after 2 days of dating
It been long time i went to sleep at night alone. it happen few time it happen after come here and chat with all love peeps here. It feel safe here it dose help not seen his face Night after night. I know it well not last but happy if can last more then one night ok i got to go more later
I just watched American Horror Story Asylum (Season 2) for the first time with my roomies, and we were on the second episode when I hit trigger city. I feel awful. I have all of these urges, but I have never indulged them...and the fact that I will spend a lifetime battling these triggers makes me fear the worst. I worry that I will get tired and give up on it all. I don't want to, but being triggered like this about what happened in December makes me feel so powerless, so angry, and so afraid o
I have always wanted to start a blog, charting my journey, to help learn from others, and hopefully to help others not feel so alone I have been dealing with this stuff since i was 3 years old Yet I wasn't talking about it until I was a teenager I am just NOW trying to get thru and figure out my triggers, memories, and how to live healthily without drugs/alcohol/codependence on others It is rough. I was in so much pain for all of my life, but used different coping mechanisms to get by. Playing o
Today I returned to my residential facility for their alumnae night and letting go ceremony. I burnt drawings of T., A., and A. It felt good to watch them burn. I felt a little guilty...like I was burning a voodoo doll or something, and then I came back to earth...this is for me. I am cauterizing a wound. I am letting them go. I am ending my suffering so that I can move on. I also let go of pictures of my relationship, the happiest moment of my life caught on film in frame three, and letters he
*MIGHT BE TRIGGERING* I have had nightmares the past two nights. I hate the nightmares sometimes they feel just as bad as the abuse. Tuesdays nightmare was so bad and so real I was actually happy when my alarm went off and woke up saying "Oh thank God." I was so happy to wake up and for the dream not to be real! This morning I woke up and so was relieved when I realized the dream was not real, it felt so real. Tuesdays dream was not about the abuse but it was about one of my abusers coming after
Today, I was just talking to my friend. I was talking about how people view me at my work (regarding being open about my situation, I have really no choice, the military kinda puts EVERYTHING on the spotlight). And he said something to me that just absolutely crushed me. I asked him if he thought I was pathetic, and he said, "Yes you are! No, don't get mad, you're just young." ... I'm just young? Wait...so does that mean that a few years down the road I'll just wake up one day and say, "I was
It's been quite the week here. I think I am doing OK with handling all of these changes. At the same time I worry that I'm going back into patterns of powering through to do the opposite and "not let my trauma determine my actions." At the very least I feel tempted to do so. I want to be better. I want to be like everyone else while accepting my disorder. This powering through has resulted in much success and happiness at times. At other times it has left me feeling pretty lonely in a secret wa
***Trigger Warning*** I was 18 and "engaged," whatever that means at 18, and excited to go to my first college party. My older girlfriend, Sam (21), who I'd always looked up to, had invited me to hang out with she and her friends. I'd recently gotten back together with my "ex-fiancé" with promises that he'd be honest with me from now on and would not have anything to do with the supposed girl he'd cheated on me with. The day of the party I saw pictures of the two doing the things he and I had pr
Are you sorry? I hear your apology, But do you see the Pain? I see you cry, But were you there to catch my tears? I tried to talk, I tried to tell you it hurt, I tried to claw free, But to you, there's only silence, But I hear the screams. Deep Down you knew, The bruises said enough, I didn't need to explain, I fought but gave up, knowing this is not love. When I'm so low to the floor, You run to my rescue, like an angel, and my heart dances, wanting it to be love, so I jump feet first into a ne
A lot of people ask me, why did you stay in a relationship with him for so long ? Goodness, That question angers even me! I don't know why and I beat myself up everyday thinking about it. I've always wanted some sort of clarity to why I did stay, why I went back. And why I was so ashamed and hurt that I opened my mouth and said something . It took a long time to be able to except the fact that I'm not doing anything wrong. I remember one day, I went to talk to my advocate and she told me th
I don't consider myself a victim, I consider myself a survivor. However, like everyone else, I have those times where I've felt completely alone, felt like I had no one to talk to. You can only suppress something for so long before you have to stand on top of a roof and just scream your heart out, Hence, why I'm here. Someone suggested this website for me, I long to tell my story, however I feel as if my story has a purpose, I feel like I'm here for a reason and God would not have put me t
So I was just going through some of the older boards and I came across a entry about teleah's birthday and her mom. I started out with the simple understanding on how horrible mothers can be. But as I started to type away an anger arose and I couldnt let these typing fingers to stop. I started to cry. Its wasnt tears of anger as I thought it would be. It was tears of joy! I realized so much! My mom is the string that holds almost of my abuse. Ive always held my mom accountable for just the pyshi
Starting today I want to be geniuinly happy (im still new to my recovery). I know finding pure happiness for us is like walking up a 14ier with no shoes on. But its not impossible, just way harder. I've recently discovered outlets I enjoy. Drawing, gardening/fairy garden, frisbee golf, hiking, Thai Quan Do. (if you havent tried this I highly recommend it! I had terrible nightmares the night before, to the point I didnt go at first but 10 mins later M came back for me. They taught me to mediatate
There are many points in my day where my head feels like it will explode. I am confused on so many aspects of my life, not just the fact that I have been raped. I sometimes wonder to myself "why me" .. But the answer to that question is: "why not me" Rape is something that I would not wish upon anyone in this world. There are so many women who never report or never seek out for help & guidance. So many horrendous sex crimes happen & go un-noticed. I sometimes wonder why God would plan th
***Trigger Warning*** Last night, one of my best girl friends and I got together to attend a concert of my favorite band, of Montreal (OM). She had never been to one of their concerts and I was excited for her to experience it. It's strange where you find some of your favorite things. I discovered OM in one of the darkest of places. My older girl friend’s best guy friend raped me 2 days into my freshmen year of college. He convinced me it was all because he had fallen in love with me, etc., and
Sometime's I have to remind myself who i am. i am Kirsty.. A 20 year old young woman with a whole life a head of her. I am a hard working individual with potential to do anything i want to do. I have a small but trustworthy support network. There are certain people who aren't around at the moment, but I can feel their warm & precious presence blowing through wind, shining from the stairs and being pumped from my heart like blood through my veins. I am a brave individual, an almost survivor.
You think you know someone, but you don't. I've spent moments everyday wondering why bad things happen to me and why those bad things make me cry every time they cross my mind. This one in particular still has not yet set me free. I am prisoner in my own mind. I just want to be free and its finally that time I let it out into the world. if i dont let it out, it keeps me from being the person i want to be. So, here it is; a couple years ago I was a babysitter for a friend. This friend is married
