Like just about everyone else posting in this forum, I'm new here and this is my first post. Kinda awkward.
So, obviously I'm here because I'm a victim/survivor of sexual abuse. I'm in my early twenties, going to college, in a very happy relationship with another woman and the married couple that we live with (who are also survivors/supporters). I found aftersilence because my girlfriend has been a member here since 2009. She was my first supporter, and for as long as she's been supporting me, as long as we've been a couple, she's been urging me to reach out to aftersilence as a resource for support. Her name on here is Unbreakable, and she says that aftersilence has been awesome to here and it has done her a lot of good. She's sitting right next to me while I'm writing this (and she says hi everyone!).
Unbreakable has been sitting with me hour after hour, for whole days at a time talking with me about my abuse, and those support sessions turned into her number one recommendation for my recovery, writing my story. If you can handle extremely long graphic descriptions of abuse, you should read hers, and maybe mine to get a full picture of what we went through.
I chose the name scartissue because my scars are a big part of my self image. If I described myself to you, from my description you would probably think I am horribly disfigured. But as years have gone by, my scars are less and less visible. Sometimes I wish they were more prominent so people would see my damage from a mile away and know not to make jokes about sexual abuse, not ask me about my sex life, tell me how "hot" I am, or ask me out. I kinda wish that people would know that I'm a survivor and treat me as such. Not necessarily walk on egg shells, but at least give me the respect that survivors/victims deserve. On the other hand, sometimes feeling like everyone is staring at my scars and everyone knows that I was abused makes me feel self conscious, dirty, unlovable, unlikable, disgusting and repulsing.
The reality is, people almost never see my scars, physical or psychological, and therefore I feel like if they did know, they would be repulsed. I feel like I'm hiding this big disgusting dark dirty secret, so I keep to myself. I feel comfortable being more open in written and anonymous format like aftersilence, but I'm very shy in my normal everyday life. I don't make many friends, don't offer my opinions, don't ask many questions, mind my own business and hope other people will mind theirs. I don't like being hit on or chatted up by the guys at my college or around the city. They think they want me, but I'm not into men anymore, with the exception of course, of the man me and my girlfriend live with and share with each other and his wife.
If my relationship confuses you, please know that I don't take critisizm of it very well, but my girlfriend Unbreakable does, so please tell her about it, not me. If you don't understand something about it (which is usually the case with people that are upset by our polyamourous lifestyle), again, please don't ask me about it, ask Unbreakable, she's better and more open about talking about it. If you want to preach to me about political or religious aspects of our relationship, just don't. I promise you I won't listen, read, or put up with it.
My girlfriend, my supporters, and my T and I set some goals for my time with aftersilence:
1. Get an account.
2. Introduce myself
3. Start off by making a friend or two with complete strangers and offer them support using the best of all the support I have recieved as a model.
4. Gain confidence and become more comfortable in this environment.
5. Share my story
6. Allow myself to accept support from fellow survivors who know about my dark past, and still accept me.
Those are the goals for my immediate future, let's say, the next week or two. One week would be better, then I will set more goals.
I plan on posting my story as soon as I can, so those of you who can stomach reading it can better relate to me and my girlfriend. I want to bare my scars to fellow survivors, but please, if you read it, don't ask me for any more details than I have already provided. I'm not at a point where I can handle that. I've written everything I can handle. If you don't understand something and need more details about something to figure it out, please PM Unbreakable, she can tell you anything and everything and she has my full permission to talk about any and all aspects of my abuse that may help you relate to me, or of course if it will help you in your recovery to know more, again, I understand by please ask Unbreakable, not me.
I do look forward to meeting plenty of you and checking off my goals.
p.s.~ Sammy isn't my real name. My girlfriend and I both agree and promise each other not to put out any information that can be used to identify us. So please don't even ask.