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Welcome to After Silence - A message board and chat room for rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivors.

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#1 bigchris

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Posted 02 March 2013 - 08:14 PM

I've no where else to go so I ended up here. If I'm out of line posting this here, I'm very sorry. I'm just hurting and don't know where to turn.

 

I met my wife 27 years ago when I was 18 and she was 15. She came from a house of horrors where she was left in the care of her older brother who raped her daily. By the time she was 12 she learned to not fight and just "go away" to her "place". This continued until 15 when I came along.

 

Thinking I was a knight in armor I took her away at 18 and married her shortly thereafter. The years have beeen tough with suicide attempts and stays in mental hospitals. We had in recent years (I'm now 45 and she is 42) settled in to a cold relationship mostly. She had built enough walls around herself to unreachable. Then in December she broke.

 

She told me she was raped in 1999 by the father of the children she was babysitting. She earned money that way as she didn't like regular jobs-she feared most men. We had known these people for years. She says he got the mother to take the children away while my wife was preparing to leave their home. He then came on to her very strong, triggering some kind of PTSD flashback to her childhood. She said even though she was 28 she felt the same way as a child. Terrified. She told me she automatically did what she always did. She took off her pants and "went away". A conditioned response, so to speak. Then she felt paralyzed, just like she always did. Even though she was in a obviously dissociative state, not moving. speaking, or making eye contact. he walked her through the house and raped her lifeless body then "disappeared" with out saying a word to her. She left in a hurry and went home, confused and scared. The next morning she was not fuly recovered and goes to their house to babysit. When she gets there she realizes that's the "danger place" but then realizes he's never there that day. She asked the mother if he was going to be there that afternoon, and she said no. My wife then told her she had to stop babysitting but would work out the rest of the day. He evidently orchestrated it again. She says she was very foggy and confused and realized she was alone with him again and he did the same thing, this time a little more aggressively. So she "went away" again. He saw her 6 months later in public. She said he walked up to her and looked and spoke to her the same way her brother does to this day. Intimidating and amused by her.

 

The effects of this on her have been catastrophic. I just found out, but can remember the time frame and how strange she became. Never going anywhere alone again, never working a job that didn't have an all female staff. Never being alone with even my father or friends of the family. She became an alcoholic shortly thereafter and extremely mean and angry toward me and the younger children.  

 

Now after another stay in the mental hospital in January she is finally seeking help. She's on meds, in AA, seeing a therapist and psychiatrist, going to church, and has become a different person. Still struggling and scared of the world, but finally trying to get over everything that's been done to her. Now I'm the problem. I feel so shallow and weak for the two days he raped a nonconsenting zombie to be bothering me. I feel as though something has been stolen from me. Like she's not "all mine" anymore. I know that may sound immature, but when you meet as teenagers and get away from what we did, you latch on to other ideas of "purity" and "special". And I'm hurting her recovery as a result. I just want to help her but can't get past my own issues. I keep seeing it play over and over. And hear her cries as she told me about it over and over. Such pain. The anguish is unbearable to hear and see in her face. She digs her nails into her own palms and cries through gritted teeth "he intentionally hurt me when he could tell I was helpless". I am haunted by all this.  

 

 



#2 crayonboxfamily

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Posted 02 March 2013 - 11:29 PM

Chris welcome,

I am glad to hear your wife is getting the healing she needs and deserves. But maybe you could benefit from some cousinling too. I am the wife of a soldier and I keep hearing the saying it's not just the soldier thats serving it's the whole family. I'd say the same is true for abuse victims. Your wife has been through alot and inadvertanly so have you. Your love for your wife makes this more personal. Maybe professional help could greatly benefit you as well. Good luck and welcome again.



#3 strawberrycookie

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Posted 03 March 2013 - 05:31 AM

Hi and welcome - Im glad you've found us. I agree with crayonbox - maybe you could benefit from some counselling as well. I hope you find everything you need here x 



#4 ~FOUND~

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Posted 08 March 2013 - 04:45 PM

Hi there.

Welcome to AS.

i hope you find this site to be helpful.

Very nice to meet you.

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#5 euca

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Posted 08 March 2013 - 06:56 PM

Big chris, I can hear your anguish. Your feelings are not unnatural. You seem to understand her hurt and realise that she did nothing wrong, that he was the monster here, but it does not end there. You have also been hurt from his horrible actions and it ok to acknowledge that. I'm sure you feel like you can't tell her that, and that your hurt is so secondary that you feel guilty for having it, but you shouldn't. You should feel angry, you should feel attacked. He has hurt something you love, and that is a hurt in you.

That said, I'm sure you realise that if she is bravely taking the steps to change and recover that she is, she really could do without worrying about you and your reactions to it/her as well. I agree that counselling is a good idea for you. This is complex stuff. Professional help would benefit you and your relationship.

I would just like to add that you understate perhaps, how great your support may have been over many years. I know you said it was cold, your relationship, and maybe you feel a bit regretful. But, I can tell you that I am in a similar relationship, well, not, but has some things in common. You see, I never ever ever thought I would have a steady, lasting, normality in my life and yet I do ...and I thank my lucky stars every day. Not for his deep thoughtfulness and understanding (not that kind of character) but simply for stability. It is heaven sent.

I like your user name incidentally. Roary the racing car?

#6 bigchris

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Posted 10 March 2013 - 06:41 PM

Thank you for replying to my post. It helps. Most of you here are the real victims/survivors. The focus should be on you as the focus should be on my wife. She has dealt with a lifetime of pain and learned helplessness. Like some kind of evil gift that keeps on giving. She is terrified "it" will happen again and she will have to "go away". She feels so much guilt and shame for not fighting. She says she realizes a simple "no" probably would have ended it, but she couldn't speak or move. And he just kept going. I tell her it's not her fault, and that she is no less pure in my eyes. She didn't program herself this way and she tried to avoid men. But I guess the perp can smell it. She said it was like he knew she couldn't fight. This has made me hate the world and see everything through dark eyes. I love this woman with all my heart and can't stand that she's been hurt so much. I'm sorry for pouring my heart out here, but therapy once a week doesn't seem to get it out of my system. I want to move on but feel stuck and helpless. And silly for being hurt that this man "saw" my wife.

Euca, "big chris" is a name from childhood. I'm always the biggest guy in the room. Sasquatch and Redwood were the other nicknames I had...

#7 flea

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Posted 10 March 2013 - 07:18 PM

Please don't apologize for "pouring my heart out here." That is what AS is about. I'm glad you are going to therapy and hope it serves as a great help to you. Feel free to open as much as you like. I'm sorry for all that you and your wife have been through/are going through.

#8 ~FOUND~

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Posted 11 March 2013 - 08:34 AM

I hope you are finding your way around the boards ok.

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