I've no where else to go so I ended up here. If I'm out of line posting this here, I'm very sorry. I'm just hurting and don't know where to turn.
I met my wife 27 years ago when I was 18 and she was 15. She came from a house of horrors where she was left in the care of her older brother who raped her daily. By the time she was 12 she learned to not fight and just "go away" to her "place". This continued until 15 when I came along.
Thinking I was a knight in armor I took her away at 18 and married her shortly thereafter. The years have beeen tough with suicide attempts and stays in mental hospitals. We had in recent years (I'm now 45 and she is 42) settled in to a cold relationship mostly. She had built enough walls around herself to unreachable. Then in December she broke.
She told me she was raped in 1999 by the father of the children she was babysitting. She earned money that way as she didn't like regular jobs-she feared most men. We had known these people for years. She says he got the mother to take the children away while my wife was preparing to leave their home. He then came on to her very strong, triggering some kind of PTSD flashback to her childhood. She said even though she was 28 she felt the same way as a child. Terrified. She told me she automatically did what she always did. She took off her pants and "went away". A conditioned response, so to speak. Then she felt paralyzed, just like she always did. Even though she was in a obviously dissociative state, not moving. speaking, or making eye contact. he walked her through the house and raped her lifeless body then "disappeared" with out saying a word to her. She left in a hurry and went home, confused and scared. The next morning she was not fuly recovered and goes to their house to babysit. When she gets there she realizes that's the "danger place" but then realizes he's never there that day. She asked the mother if he was going to be there that afternoon, and she said no. My wife then told her she had to stop babysitting but would work out the rest of the day. He evidently orchestrated it again. She says she was very foggy and confused and realized she was alone with him again and he did the same thing, this time a little more aggressively. So she "went away" again. He saw her 6 months later in public. She said he walked up to her and looked and spoke to her the same way her brother does to this day. Intimidating and amused by her.
The effects of this on her have been catastrophic. I just found out, but can remember the time frame and how strange she became. Never going anywhere alone again, never working a job that didn't have an all female staff. Never being alone with even my father or friends of the family. She became an alcoholic shortly thereafter and extremely mean and angry toward me and the younger children.
Now after another stay in the mental hospital in January she is finally seeking help. She's on meds, in AA, seeing a therapist and psychiatrist, going to church, and has become a different person. Still struggling and scared of the world, but finally trying to get over everything that's been done to her. Now I'm the problem. I feel so shallow and weak for the two days he raped a nonconsenting zombie to be bothering me. I feel as though something has been stolen from me. Like she's not "all mine" anymore. I know that may sound immature, but when you meet as teenagers and get away from what we did, you latch on to other ideas of "purity" and "special". And I'm hurting her recovery as a result. I just want to help her but can't get past my own issues. I keep seeing it play over and over. And hear her cries as she told me about it over and over. Such pain. The anguish is unbearable to hear and see in her face. She digs her nails into her own palms and cries through gritted teeth "he intentionally hurt me when he could tell I was helpless". I am haunted by all this.