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Welcome to After Silence - A message board and chat room for rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivors.

Welcome to After Silence, a message board and chat room designed to help survivors communicate in the recovery of rape, sexual abuse, sexual assault, and all types of sexual violence.

After Silence has over 30 different forums, ranging from topics created to discuss specific areas of healing and recovery from rape and sexual violence, as well as forums open to general discussions and lighter topics. Because we value the privacy of our members, most of our forums are private, which means that ONLY REGISTERED members have access to them. Please register for a free account to gain full access to the After Silence Online Support Group.

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us at aftersilence.org@gmail.com
Guest Message by DevFuse
 

just wanting to say hi


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5 replies to this topic

#1 Guest_Ana_*

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Posted 11 March 2004 - 02:38 AM

Hi everyone~

I registered a few days ago and have wanted to introduce myself earlier than now... but every time I've tried to write here, my mind has gone completely blank and shut down (paralyzed with fear I guess). I have such a hard time trusting people and opening myself up. I hope you don't mind that I've lingered around a bit to see what this place is like.

As I keep reading other posts... I am so shocked (in a good way) with the realization (for the first time) that there really are people who understand what this is like. There are so many things I can identify with... wow. It completely amazes me. I've known the statistics of how common CSA and SA are... but it's crazy how easy it is to feel completely alone... as if no one could ever understand or even imagine the complexities and pain it causes. It seems like forever (almost half my life) that I've battled alone "in the closet" with so much aftermath, PTSD, ED, and social anxiety problems (and yet I know I still don't fully understanding it all). Why is shame so stinken powerful!? It seems to be driven with one mission to keep everything locked up inside. Plus, there's that feeling of being "too difficult" or "too complex" that I wrestle with... which makes it seem best to simply not bother anyone with such a burden. Am I making any sense? It's ok if I'm not... just some random thoughts. There's SO much I wish I could write about... so often my mind goes a million miles/hour around and around with so much that's on my heart... actually, locked in my heart. I hope someday I'll be able to write out my story... it will probably be awhile though.

While I do understand this all takes time... sometimes it's just hard to be patient. Recently I put myself on a three-month waiting list for a counselor at a place that specializes in trauma/abuse. It's kind of weird how part of me is determined and wanting so bad to work on this... while at the same time another part is so nervous and scared of it. Deep down I've come to accept what happened to me... but it's still very hard to outwardly admit it in any way (does that make sense). Also, the idea of having to wait three months makes me a bit panicky. I'm hoping and praying that I possibly could get in before the end of the school year and I go home. The most supportive people in my life right now are at college and it would be wonderful if they could be with me as I take this step. However, I do find some degree of peace when I decide to simply surrender it... and trust I'll get in when the timing is best. Anyway, that's just a bit about where I'm at with this. Sorry if it seems random... I basically just want to say hi.

You guys are simply amazing! Honestly! I am so thankful for people like you who are willing to share with others from your heart as you walk together in this journey/battle to heal and restore all the damaging affects of s abuse. To everyone who puts so much time and energy into creating such a supportive and safe place... thank you so much! I feel so blessed to have found you guys and look forward to joining you in this journey.

~Ana

#2 aquapit

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    ~Beauty is all around~

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Posted 11 March 2004 - 08:24 AM

Hi Ana and welcome to After Silence. Let me start off by saying that I truly understand where you are coming from when you say that your mind goes completely blank every time you tried to post something. I had the same problem and I am glad to see that you were finally able to post. I have not been a member for very long but have come to feel very comfortable and safe here (thanks to all the wonderful members and our A1, top of the line super administrators!).
I think all of us have trust and opening up issues. We don't mind at all that you have looked around to see what After Silence is all about, that's one of the great things about this place. As for reading the other posts and being shocked at how many of us there really are out there who understand what is like to go down this painful road...it is shocking. Statistics are one thing but it is a complete different thing to be able to see and read other survivors stories.
I am so sorry for what has happened in your life to bring you here. Know that you are not alone and you don't have to fight this alone. We are all here to listen and support you when ever you need it. There is no need to feel shame here. As for why shame is so powerful, ya got me on that one. I think that when bad things happen to us there are a couple of the things that we are programed to think, it was either our fault (which is not true at all), or "what is everyone going to think of me?"...but those are just my thoughts.
I am glad to see that you are not suffering alone any more because that is the worst way to suffer. Know that this battle takes time. Our wonds are deep and require gentle love, understanding, support, and time. It is hard to be patient because we all want this to be over and done with. I am however, amazed that there is a three month waiting list for you to see that counselor...is there someone else you can see any sooner? I called yesterday to make an appt with a therapist that someone recommended to me and I was told the soonest I could get in was two weeks and this made me panic something fierce.:o
Any how, I know I am going on and on so I'll just simply say that I am glad you found your way here and I hope you continue to post here. This is a wonderful place to share and vent. You are not alone. Take care of yourself and give yourself time to heal.***HUGS***
Tracy

#3 Clarissa

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Posted 11 March 2004 - 04:36 PM

HI sweetie!!!!!!

Good for you for posting! I am SO proud of you! It know it must have been inscanely difficult, but you wont regret it. Once you are able to open up and vent things you would otherwise keep to yourself, you will feel so much better and it's all a part of this healing process! Yay! I'm so happy for you!!!! I hope you continue to post and find the healing and support that you deserve! You are definately not alone. We are here with you, standing by you, cheering you on, picking you up when you fall down. We love you!

Stay strong, sweetie! I know you can do this! I hope you will have a wonderful therapist. The wait can be so "mixed-emotional" ... but you ARE doing the right thing.

Take your time posting. You are doing awesome! I still have a hard time sharing my story... but i'm getting there, and if you choose to, you will get there too!

I am here for you if you ever need anything! I'm glad you are here! Thanks for your honesty! You are a strong strong girl! God BLess, sweetie!

love clarissa

#4 Rebel Grrl

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    Headbanger Grrlie

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Posted 11 March 2004 - 04:38 PM

((((((((((((Ana)))))))))))))
Welcome to After Silence, sweetie! I'm sure we can help you a lot here. smile.gif

#5 Guest_Madonna_*

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Posted 11 March 2004 - 07:28 PM

((((((Ana))))))
Is good to take your time and move at a pace that is comfortable for you, but don't be afraid to post here. We are here to listen and support you no matter what. I understand about trust issues, I have huge ones myself :-(
I'm glad that you can identify with the people here and that you feel less alone :D Keep posting!!

Madonna

#6 phoenyx

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Posted 25 March 2004 - 02:06 AM

(((((Ana))))) Welcome to the group. I am glad you found your way here tho sad you had reason to seek us out. I know too how hard it is to put down your feelings in front of others. Especially at first. I have found this an incredibly supportive group of people - always someone here to listen when you need an ear or a shoulder to lean on. Please take your time and post only what you are comfortable with and at your own pace. You do not journey alone. We are here for you smile.gif