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Guest Message by DevFuse

*t* i thought i was ok-ish

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6 replies to this topic

#1 Guest_alexis_*

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Posted 02 March 2004 - 08:01 PM

today, i went to planned parenthood to get started on birth control ---> i'm in a very loving very wonderful relationship now. i started feeling crazy anxious and once the exam was done and i could get redressed and the doctor had left, i started crying.

last year, the boy i was dating (we had been sexually active previously) held me down and ejaculated into me even though i was saying no. i agreed to have sex though. i wanted to have sex. i told him not to do *that* though without a condom. after i curled up in as small of a position as possible and cried as he slept. i don't know if it was rape, but i do kknow i feel horrible for letting it happen.

and for some reason i stayed with him. a few months before that, my partner of nearly 4 years broke up with me for another girl. for a while i couldn't do anything but stare off into space. i couldn't eat much more than toast. i came out of that and into a horrible relationship with a horrible person.

i guess maybe i thought i deserved everything that happened, and since i stayed with him after, that i couldn't be angry with him.

it resulted in a pregnancy which i aborted.

it's not the abortion that triggered my crying spell (i managed to dry my tears and go get my birth control and wait 'til i got home to start crying again), but the reminder of why i had ... become pregnant.

i was molested by my step-dad as a teenager, and i thought i was over that but when i was crying today it just. f%#k i'm supposed to be the goddamn strong one.

i wanted to thank you, everyone, here for providing this site, this space.

i told my partner about my childhood abuse, but i haven't told him about the event/abortion last year.

i was doing so good at being a functioning human being.

thank you for listening.

#2 phoenyx


    Native Spirit in the wind

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Posted 02 March 2004 - 08:38 PM

(((((((((alexis))))))))) I am sorry you are going through so much pain. Know that you do not journey alone, we are here to walk with you. I am here for you. (I can relate to miscarriage and abortion Neither are easy to handle) I would call what was done to you Rape-Yes. He had no right to disrespect you. No means No. Be kind to yourself as you heal. You are strong and courageous-You are a survivor! smile.gif

[Edited on 3-3-04 by phoenyx]

#3 Clarissa


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Posted 03 March 2004 - 12:49 AM

(((Alexis))) I'm so sorry you have to endure so much pain. As Phoenyx said, you are not alone. We are here for you. Let us know how we can help. *hugs* your planned parenthood session must have been SO tough. I remember i was in the hospital for organ failure, and i had an EKG/ECG done by a male doctor and i wanted to disappear and die. I am glad, however, that you are in a wonderful relationship with a supportive partner. As for the previous boy, that was undoubtedly rape. You said no, and no means no. What he did was wrong. You are at no fault at all. You have the right to pull away whenever you choose, and he did not respect that. That was a violation. That makes me SO angry that he would do that! I am sorry that had to result in pregnancy. That is so tough. I cannot say i understand, but i am here for you. I am also so sorry about your step-dad. That is a lot for one person to deal with. Sometimes we cannot be strong all the time. Sometimes we need to be taken care of...and forgive ourselves to it, even though there really isnt anything to forgive..just feels that way. I am so very proud of you for being able to speak out, and for telling your partner. That is so strong! And brave! Keep up the good work, sweetie! Take care of yourself. Thank you for sharing with us. WE are here for you. *hugs*
love clarissa

#4 Guest_alexis_*

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Posted 03 March 2004 - 12:39 PM

thank you both so much.

#5 Rebel Grrl

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Posted 03 March 2004 - 05:50 PM

So sorry all that happened to you. What that guy did to you was rape. No getting around it. sad.gif

#6 Guest_Madonna_*

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Posted 03 March 2004 - 10:57 PM

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. What that guy did was rape no question. If you said no at any point then it was. It doesn't matter that you wanted to inititally, when you said that simple word a man has to stop, if he doesn't then it's rape because you said NO and you did not deserve it at all. Nobody deserves that :-( And I'm also sorry about the abortion. I'm here for you if you ever feel like talking about it.


#7 Guest_Victorria_*

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Posted 05 March 2004 - 08:35 AM

Alexis, you did consent to sex with your former bf, but you did not consent to being held down and penetrated against your will. You said "no", so anything that happened after the "no" is forcible rape. Consensual sex is an expression of love which is pleasurable and enjoyed by both people. There was nothing pleasurable or enjoyable about this for you. He knew that. Rape is using sex against the partner's will, to control, humiliate, degrade, frighten and hurt them. You did not ask for it or deserve it.sad.gif

You might try looking up the definition of rape (or date rape) and the symptoms caused by it, on the net. I suggest using "Ask Jeeves" or another site which will filter out the porn/pervert sites that are out there, or look thru the library or bookstore for a book on rape.

You are a very brave and strong survivor.:yes: