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Welcome to After Silence - A message board and chat room for rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivors.

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Guest Message by DevFuse
 

new, always been confused


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9 replies to this topic

#1 Guest_MegLeigh_*

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 08:11 AM

My name is Megan, and until recently I've never even admitted to myself that I've been a victim of sexual abuse. The incidents always left me confused. I was very young- 4- and for a time I was able to block it out of my memory completely. It wasn't until I was in 5th grade sitting in the cafeteria that I even remembered what had happened. At that age, when I was just learning about sex, mostly all I felt was shame. As I got older I didn't find it embarrassing anymore, I just chose not to deal with it.

I was never raped, but my cousin, who was 13 at the time, would mess around with me- he made it into a game. I was too naive to realize what was going on. I believed it was a game, although I remember there were times I thought it was a bit strange. It didn't seem wrong to me then- it was later that I felt ashamed. One day his brother interrupted us and he(the abuser) got kind of mad. That was when I realized it wasn't normal -and after that he never came in my room again.

What happened doesn't plague me day in, day out...However; I do realize it affects me to this day. I'm uncomfortable around toddler-age girls and preteen boys. I don't fear them, I just get uneasy. (Thus, I wasn't much of a babysitter in high school...) Also, sex made me very uncomfortable during puberty - I was basically ashamed of every sexual feeling I had because I felt that I was some kind of pervert. I also pushed myself away from my extended family - he being my cousin.

What still kills me is that everyone thinks he is perfect. Smart, good looking, well-mannered, just an all-around "great guy." The one satisfaction I get is his obvious discomfort whenever I'm around. I just want to look at him and say, "You don't fool me." However, I think he DOES fool me...Sometimes I think to myself, 'well, he was 13 years old, for chrissakes, maybe some boys have strange urges like that and they act on them...MAYBE I'm making too big a deal out of it...MAYBE he was young, stupid and feels really bad about it." But then I remember how shitty I felt during my early-adolescence, I remember how being around him can make me cringe, but most of all I remember that, even now, I have issues with sex - especially letting go and feeling comfortable. I'm still bashful when it comes to being seen naked by someone I'm with.

Yeah, I still have problems with it, and mostly that stems from never telling ANYONE. I've never even alluded to it. Men ask me why I am self-conscious about my body, considering I tend to be overly confident in other areas...I don't have body image problems, but usually I just tell them I do to make things easier. I had to get it off my chest somehow…

...I guess that's why I'm here.

#2 Lilea

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 09:08 AM

Wow.... you have an incredible view on all of this. I highly reccommend, as i do to just about everyone smile.gif that you find a good therapist to help you out with the stuff you still struggle with. Welcome, and I look forward to hearing you share more. My abuse also started very early, but progressed a lot into my adolescent years, so I understand the whole blocking thing and "remembering" it later in childhood. Thanks for sharing what you have!

#3 Clarissa

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 11:26 AM

(((MegLeigh))) Welcome to After Silence. I'm sorry you have to deal with all that. It's tough when it's a family member and you have to see him all the time. Your feelings are so normal for what you have been through. It's so easy to rationalize or to minimize your experiences, but no-- what he did was wrong. Period. We are here to support you. I hope you find healing here as i have. *hugs* I'm glad you found your way here. Take care of yourself. Let me know if you ever need anything. =)
always, clarissa

#4 phoenyx

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 03:24 PM

(((MegLeigh)))Welcome to the group. I am glad you found your way here and I look forward to getting to knowing you. Take your time and be patient with yourself. Life is confusing enough without what we have survived. Know you do not journey alone. We are here to walk with you, beside you smile.gif

#5 Rebel Grrl

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 03:29 PM

((((((((((((((((MegLeigh)))))))))))))))
Hi sweetie, I'm Annaleigh. ;) I'm so sorry to hear that you've gone through this. sad.gif And I know what you mean about the abuser being seen as Mr. Perfect.

My best friend in high school, like you and I, was an incest survivor, and her cousin who did this to her was Mr. Perfect. He was very active in his church, his dad is the pastor of a church, and he was the lead male vocalist in the choir. So if my friend had chosen to tell someone other than me, I doubt they'd believe her. sad.gif

And I myself was physically abused and sexually assaulted by a guy who was seen as Mr. Perfect. He comes from a prominent family in town, and I come from the wrong side of the tracks. People would have trouble believing me too.

Anyway, welcome sweetie, and I hope you can find comfort and solace here. Take good care of yourself.

#6 Lindy

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 03:46 PM

(((Meg)))

Welcome to After Silence sweetie. I'm sorry you have gone through so much. I'm glad you have found us. We're a very supportive community and I hope you find what you are seeking here.

Take gentle care,

Lindy

#7 Guest_freed_*

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 05:05 PM

welcome MegLeigh,
i'm new too and i hate that you have a need to be here, but i'm sure you'll find a lot of support and understanding. "Mr. Perfect". i understand that.
i hope i can be some help to you along your way in healing.
free

#8 Guest_black opal_*

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 07:46 PM

Welcome, Meg, and thank you for sharing your story. You should never be ashamed - your abuser is the one who should be ashamed. And he must be because you said he is uncomfortable around you. He is worried that maybe one day you will tell and his "perfect" image will be destroyed.

Child molestors very seldom look like the creepy guy hiding in dark alleyways that we like to imagine. They are almost always a nice, friendly, likeable guy. This likeability quality is what protects them for so long. These creeps live double lives - their outside face is kind, generous, respectable. Only their victims see the dark, cruel, selfish side of the sexual predator. If he ever does get caught and turned over to the authorities, neighbors, co-workers, etc. are shocked. "It's impossible" they all state. "He is a good family man" or "He is so respectable and nice." Well, nice and respectable is the side he has shown the world. The dark side is revealed only to the victims.

My teenage daughter was molested by her coach and has many of the same problems you report. She doesn't even want anyone to see her in a swimsuit. She keeps something on over it until she is ready to swim and then quickly jumps into the pool. My daughter did report her coach, he was prosecuted and convicted and is currently sitting in jail.

I hope with time, both you and she will become more comfortable with your bodies and find peace and love. Please let me know if I can help in anyway.

#9 Guest_MegLeigh_*

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Posted 22 March 2004 - 11:08 PM

Thanks to everyone who responded.

I had never really done any research on sexual abuse and so I never really thought to compare my experiences with others. It helps me to better understand what happened between my abuser and me.

Thanks, I'm sure I'll be around.

#10 dereliktdauter

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Posted 23 March 2004 - 12:43 AM

(((((((((((((((((((((megan))))))))))))))))))

welcome!!! i am sorry to hear why you have to be here but i am grateful that you made it here and have shared your experience, strength, and hope with us. i hope you find this place as healing as i have.

i can totally relate the stuffing memories and the "mr perfect" thing. i stuffed all my memories until about 3 years ago, and it was only about a month ago that memories of my father started coming up. and my father is "mr perfect", although pretty soon (i hope) he won't be seen that way.

again, welcome! its great that another survivor has spoken out, and if you ever need to talk, i'm here, and i'm sure a lot of others are here as well.

take care!!

-erin