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Did You Regret Reporting It? Where You Glad?
Posted 19 June 2011 - 12:47 AM
I told a friend via a letter when we had a argument, we were in high school. She was scared for my safety so she gave the letter to my mother. This letter also helped later in evidence and the fact that after my mum read the letter I explained to her what happened and a lot of friends of 4mine suddenly knew. So now my highschool knew as well as my primary school by mistakes * Firstly I didn't know it was that 'wrong' so as a messed up child I just told the class in sex ed. * Secondly I thought I could trust my friend. Little did I know these things actually helped in the long run.
My friends begged me to please tell the police, I remember watching TV shows where it showed people who had been sexually abused and them getting through it via reporting it and the perpetrator going to jail.
My friends and I argued a bit, I felt horrible. Like I could never scrub myself clean of it. I felt worthless and I gave in easily to peer pressure and the wrong crowds landing myself in trouble. In the end I had dug myself a bit of a hole reputation wise so I did the stupidest thing possible... I packed my things as a 13 year old and moved in with my father. When I lived with him he didn't actually abuse me like he had when I was a child but he did walk in while I was having a shower, hold me down to kiss me, force me to just lie with him and let him cuddle me. It was disgusting. When a friend moved in she quickly moved out two weeks later and it got around town via her and her friends calling out he was a pedophile. I knew then something was really wrong - I never told a soul where I had moved none of them knew what happened to me as a child and yet here is my old friend who now wanted nothing to do with me saying what I knew of my father to be. My father being the bastard he is... ran to the police station after someone yelled out 'pedophile' to him on the street. He dragged me in and stood in front of the police and said that someone on the street called him a pedophile and 'its not true is it' he said looking at me, I dumbly shook my head and we left the police station.
I visited my mum a few of times, on those visits I really saw just what was wrong with my father. How a proper family works. One time coming back from one of these visits to mum I just freaked out at my father I saw him get out of bed one morning and I started yelling at him screaming about what he had done.... He didn't deny it!!! The bastard smirked and made motions of what he had done to me, he put his hands underneath his own clothes and made motions. I told him I was moving out. I did for a few months with my Aunt, after years I finally told her.
My Aunt and Uncle eventually said I should 'sort it out' they invited my dad over to 'talk' about it. We held a intervention thing. He never apologised properly, he blamed it on me being like my mother, it being a 'healing touch' he was giving me it was 'demons'. I was pretty angry and disgusted but since my Aunt lived 45 min away from my school I caught a bus per day... I moved back in with my dad just to finish school.
I got counselling. Came so close to telling a police officer, we sat in a room with a tape recording. But I never fully admitted it. I was to scared.
I was always just 'to scared' it always came down to 'what will my brother think'. My brother lived with my father his whole life. He rarely visited mum. He was pretty dependant on our dad he had a lot of issues where he couldn't look after himself properly and was sickly often because our dad had basically trained him to be 'needy' so that dad would always have someone there.
When I was 16 and finished year 10 had a school certificate I quickly moved out, I had it. I had enough of trying to 'protect' my brother from what my dad had done. Another big reason why I kept moving in with my dad was so I could help my brother - which basically meant cleaning up making sure he actually ate something other than the yuck my dad made and trying to make my brother happy somewhat. I basically allowed myself to give up my sanity.
I moved in with my now fiance when I was 16, we moved a long way away from my dad. I got the courage to tell the police.
Sitting in the room, fully going through the story was horrendous. I had to go through everything in detail. But it helped later in court that I said everything I could think of.
We also did what is called a 'pre text phone call'. Basically I rung my father and recorded the phone call - before he was arrested and he had no idea I had told. We talked about the abuse sometimes, he had admitted it to most of his side of the family already because I told him he had to so they didn't think I was lying. But fat lot of good that did!...
So on the phone call we talked about it. He was as slimy and disgusting as ever... It sent chills up everyones spine that listened to it. There was my evidence. It just had to get admitted into court. Which took a day of arguing in court to wether it could be counted. The judge slept on it, apparently listened to it several times. She knew the best way to get my dad convicted was to accept the tape into evidence. It was accepted.
It took nearly two years from when I told the police what happened - to when it went to court. There was hearing after hearing but dad and his hot shot lawyer whom he paid for by getting his own mother to sell her house... The day finally arrived.
It was a pretty ugly thing, dad had a lot of people twisted around his finger. Women with children, young girls and boys stood up and gave evidence on how dad was a good person and I was a problem child. His side of the family was willing to stand up and say I had lied. All to save the bastard from prison - some have tried to apologise now years later but its just to late - they dont understand the weight of what they did and how wrong it was.
After the pre text phone call was admitted, he changed his ‘not guilty’ plea to ‘guilty’ but only admitting to one of the charges against him. The plea was accepted, it was 3 months til my 18th birthday so I was currently able to have a closed court. If we decided to say ‘no’ to his plea bargain we would’ve faced court again in a few months when I was over 18 and anyone could have come in to sit in when i gave my statement, also being cross examined as I was told is very scary. So, we agreed to let the bargain go through. I said I wanted him to face jail time, because lets face it as we all know when we are abused it takes away so much of your life you live in a totally different world sometimes its worse than death - worse than prison. So, in my eyes he deserved to be held accountable to the full force of the law.
He got a 3 year sentance, but he didn’t go to jail on compassion basically mine for my brother ... even though my brother was going to testify AGAINST me I still cared. The sentance got hacked down because of reasons like ‘he is old’ ‘compassion’ ‘the brother still needs care to finish school’ and the stupid beleif that he wouldn’t reoffend when I know, as we all know, they always reoffend over and over again!.
The sentance was suspended to basically be carried out at home, he wasn’t allowed to go many places and he was placed on the sex offenders list forever.
He was trying to get a job in phycology or a councellor. He wanted to councel women he always said, now with being on the sex offenders list I have at least saved those women from his grabby disgusting hands and attitude. It also helped to open up the eyes on all those there to ‘support’ him and he had more at court than I did to ‘support’. The judge was very harsh on all of them, of their treatment of me. She did beleive they knew the truth, it was disgusting how they were going to testify against me... my own family. They knew it was wrong but some are very sick and twisted. One said I should forgive my father and enjoy that he loves me so much!!! That just made me disgusted. From then on, I basically havn’t had anything to do with them. My brother still visits, but he is turning more and more into my father each day - they still live together. My father is the type that never works, never does anything for himself - hence why he often lives with his mother who now lives in a caravan park because my father made her sell her house so he could have the best lawyer money can buy ... sure he was saved from jail but he is on the sex offenders list and he hasn’t gotten away with he. He is a known criminal.
Because he is on the sex offenders list I am glad I told, I am glad I reported it. Because if anyone else has the courage to come forward against him and tell what he has done to them he WILL go to jail. The judge said that much - he will never get out of it again. Not only will he have to serve the suspended sentance that was for the offences against me he will have to serve the years he will get for reoffending. He has tried to contact me since, he shows no remorse he just blames me, me for looking like my mother, me for allowing the demons to take him over, he blames reiki a healing touch thing where he said he was healing a scar I had on my breast thats why he touched it all the time. All this makes me so damn mad.
I honestly wish I could appeal. Try and charge him on those charges that he didn’t plead on. But that was the deal of his pleading guilty and going on the sex offenders list so the family didn’t go through the cross examination - all other charges are dropped. So I hope one day the others that were abused by him will stand up and report it. I would help them every step of the way.
In many ways, to hear that judge say ‘your guility of sexually abusing a minior’ and basically calling him a dispicable man also my family dispicable for standing behind such a mostor and they need to see him for what he is, imagine me as that tiny young girl and imagine what he did then how do they see it? Its wrong, it should have never happened. Yet, most of them still spend a lot of time with him. They ignore me, call me a black sheep and bad and all this just because I brought the law down on the family.
But at the end, nearly four years later. I am very happy. I have a wonderful fiance a new family that cares and my mother and her side of the family that care completly and thats all I need. Blood is NOT thicker than water. I can choose my friends and family. My father, that miserable sodding bastard is no family of mine! I feel free of it now I have gotten councelling and found people that accept me as well. I dont regret reporting it. I know that if he had’ve gotten away with it though I would’ve likely not survived to tell this tale now. I know some form of evidance is important or basically when your on the stand just tell the whole truth and never stray from it dont let the cross examination mess you up, because it will mess the perpetrator up and he cant lie very well when the procecuter rips him to shreds. The more of us that speak up, the more the issue will be known. At least if its reported if they reoffend they will likely be charged and jailed.
I just hate how some sex offenders get a lot lesser sentance than things like a cold burg where no one gets hurt obviously the person is found charged and the items returned/paid for in the end but they get jail time whereas sex offenders sometimes just get off... Its disgusting. A cold burg you can replace those items... sex offence you can never replace someones innocence or soul.
Posted 24 October 2013 - 07:46 PM
I reported it. It was not easy. It was awful. Rape charges differ by state. And when I reported it, the officer said the rape was not a crime against ME, but it was rather a crime against the STATE. That was really weird to hear.
Here's what happened: First, I went to the hospital ER even though 3 days had passed (I called, and they wanted me to come in, and I saw a person who was specialized in preserving DNA evidence (a SANE nurse: Sexual Assualt Nurse Examiner). The SANE asked if I wanted to report it, and I said yes. That didn't mean I was going to trial. It only meant I was telling the police what happened. I didn't want to "ruin" their lives or necessarily have them go to prison. I just wanted them not to do it to anyone else, and I thought by reporting it, I may help someone down the line.
At the hospital, I had to WAIT for the officer to arrive. I asked if I could just have the number and report it in the morning, but no, I was told the officer would be here soon, and I had to tell my story to yet ANOTHER person. The officer arrived, he was nice. He told me from what I said it sounded like the guys had done this before and that they took steps to cover their tracks. I was surprised. He then passed the case on to another police officer who would take over. That experience with that officer was HORRENDOUS. I've often thought that reporting it was worse than the actual rape itself. But still, I told myself I'm doing this so it doesn't happen to someone else.
During the reporting, I was asked if I would be willing to go to court. I didn't know if I reported it if it meant I was obligated to go to court. In this case, I hesitantly said, yes, I'll testify in court. Weeks went by with further questioning as my case was being reviewed. The officer told me he'd call me with an update. A week went by. I waited. A second week went by, and I left a message asking if he had any updates on the case or if I should be prepared for a court date. He called back, left a message, and said the case was closed...sorry forgot to tell me that.
So, the guys went free. YEARS later, I googled their names and learned they had done the same exact thing they did to me to another person. That person did have a case that went to court. They dragged her through the mudd. They counter sued. They sued her saying she ruined their reputation. There were multiple appeals. Back and forth. I think now they are registered sex offenders. I always wanted to reach out to the woman they raped and tell her THANK YOU for suffering the court trial I never got. I wanted to tell her that she wasn't the only one out there they did this to. I think in court, lawyers can't bring up any previous crimes, so I don't think the woman even knew. I think back and think that this woman could have been saved her suffering if my case had gone to trial, if they had been convicted.
Posted 08 June 2014 - 11:24 AM
I didn't report my abuse. I disclosed in therapy that my brother, girlfriend & new baby had moved in with my father ( my abuser) I was in a state of panic for their safety. Little did I know that the law stated that the therapist had to report it to the state. Do I regret it? Yes After it was reported, I lived in a state of fear. But 10 years have passed now & it isn't as hard to process
Posted 08 February 2015 - 06:08 PM
Posted 12 February 2015 - 08:11 AM
i love life without him.
I wish i could report my father but I'm not ready for that yet.
Posted 13 February 2015 - 09:37 PM
No regrets whatsoever... I didn't actually report the abuse, but the police came to me and I gave statements about my father's abuse against me - both 20 odd years ago, and last year too to support someone else's accusation against my father. If for no other reason (and I can think of a few), I am glad I made these statements as they probably helped save at least some other children from being abused by him!
Posted 21 March 2015 - 01:38 AM
Posted 21 March 2015 - 05:15 PM
You did do your best MissUnderstood - I feel proud of you for standing up for the truth and am sorry you didn't get justice - but hold your head up high and do not let the inadequacies in the justice system affect you and your healing journey - all the very best to you, marz
Posted 21 March 2015 - 11:09 PM
yes because nothing was done about it... if he went to jail then i would feel so much better but that didnt occur so its still free and i feel like im in hell...
Posted 22 March 2015 - 10:44 PM
The only reason I reported it was the hope that I would stop him from ever doing it again.
But it is difficult to say the least.
It is draining and humiliating and the hardest thing I think I will ever have to do.
This is coming from somebody who is in the middle of the process so I still hold that hope that I won't regret it in the end.
Posted 26 March 2015 - 01:01 PM
I regret reporting the shit with my brother.
I regret not reporting what happened when i was inpatient.