Welcome to After Silence - A message board and chat room for rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivors.
|Welcome to After Silence, a message board and chat room designed to help survivors communicate in the recovery of rape, sexual abuse, sexual assault, and all types of sexual violence.
After Silence has over 30 different forums, ranging from topics created to discuss specific areas of healing and recovery from rape and sexual violence, as well as forums open to general discussions and lighter topics. Because we value the privacy of our members, most of our forums are private, which means that ONLY REGISTERED members have access to them. Please register for a free account to gain full access to the After Silence Online Support Group.
If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org
My child was a CSA victim
Posted 19 February 2004 - 09:25 PM
My heart goes out to all the victims on this website. I have spent the last few days reading your stories and crying . No one should ever have to endure what happened to any of you.
As a parent, I have enormous feelings of guilt for not being able to see what was happening to my daughter. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it and how I failed to protect her. I find I have trouble trusting men, even though I was not the victim. I can't help wondering if every man I meet could be a child abuser as well. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to cope with this?
Posted 19 February 2004 - 09:49 PM
[Edited on 20-2-04 by phoenyx]
Posted 19 February 2004 - 10:26 PM
Posted 19 February 2004 - 11:08 PM
When I stop to think the perverted things she was made to endure and suffer, and the whole time she was an excellent student and a high achiever - she hid her suffering and shame so that her parents would not be upset with her. Of course this was one of the arguments her abuser used to keep her silent. He also played on her sympathy and concern for his wife and two young children - saying they would be taken from him and his wife would be devastated. So my daughter sacrificed her childhood and her safety to protect this middle-aged pervert and his family.
How I wish I had known - I could have stopped it that much sooner and at the same time helped prevent the abuse of several other young girls.
After she disclosed, the story was on the news because he was a teacher and a coach. And as is the case with many long-time child molestors, he had his group of staunch supporters who immediately accused my daughter and the other victims who came forward of lying and bringing false charges. They were ably assisted by the defense attorney who used every chance he could to bring media attention to this case.
While I tried to help my daughter in whatever way I could, the burden was very much on her shoulders. She was alone on the witness stand when the defense attorney grilled her for close to 3 hours, trying to poke holes in her story and criticizing her for not speaking up immediately and not marking down dates and times she was abused. Didn't he realize when something happens on a pretty much regular basis, no one marks it on a calendar. Fortunately, the jury believed my daughter's story and found him guilty on all counts. He got 20 years in jail with all but 6 years suspended.
My daughter is healing - some days are better than others for her. She continues to be strong, but she has trouble trusting people. She cannot tell anyone anymore that she loves them. She told me that she just can't - apparently, her abuser demanded that she tell him that she loved him and so now, she can no longer say those words. I can't begin to tell you how much that hurts me. I hope and pray that one day, my daughter will again trust and love and will be able to say to someone "I love you," and mean those words.
Posted 19 February 2004 - 11:26 PM
Posted 20 February 2004 - 01:13 AM
you and your daughter are an inspiration to us all. i am so proud of you
Love and hugs
Posted 20 February 2004 - 11:21 AM
Posted 20 February 2004 - 11:28 AM
take care ...ann
Posted 20 February 2004 - 05:15 PM
I hope you are right, Ann, that deep inside my daughter does feel the love that I feel very deeply for her. Since she disclosed, she has distanced herself not only from me but from everyone (male and female), preferring to be alone. She has said that she cannot trust anyone anymore and she feels that people only want to be her friend because they want something from her. I try to help her, but she doesn't want any help right now. She does not want to see a therapist , preferring to work things out in her own mind by herself. I think she doesn't want to bring the memories back up to the surface. Since I was never sexually abused, and she doesn't want to talk about it with me, I have no idea what she is going through. The stories on this website have given me a lot of insight into how survivors feel, and I think I have a better idea of how my daughter suffered and still continues to suffer. I worry so much and I pray that someday, she will be trust and love and be whole again.
Posted 20 February 2004 - 10:07 PM
Posted 03 March 2004 - 12:59 PM
now i realize how much she's been through as well, and how much she has been and always will be there for me.
your daughter is going through a very difficult time, but like others have said, i think she does know that you love her.
Posted 03 March 2004 - 11:08 PM
First of all, I;m so so sorry about your daughter. You are right, no child should ever have to endure something like this. But thanks to your daughter a lot of children won't because she went to the police. You should be extremely proud of her! I know I would be. I never told my parents because I know that my Dad would have killed the guy for sure and my life would be so different now. But what an amazing act of courage that was for her! It must have been so hard!
Please do not be too hard on yourself for not noticing the abuse. It is a very easy thing to hide. I don't blame my parents for not having a clue, but I know they blame themselves and that makes me feel horrible for them because I don't want them to feel this way at all :-( It is only one person's fault....the abuser's, not yours.
Take care of yourself