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Guest Message by DevFuse

My child was a CSA victim

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11 replies to this topic

#1 Guest_black opal_*

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Posted 19 February 2004 - 09:25 PM

I would like to say that I am so happy that I found this website. My daughter was sexually abused by her teacher/coach from the time she was 11 until she was 14. It only ended when she went to another country to study. She disclosed the abuse a few months after leaving home - she finally felt safe from her abuser. He had brainwashed her into believing that wherever she went, she would have to endure sexual abuse to get training. After she got another teacher/coach, she realized all the lies her abuser had told her and reported her story to her family and then to the police. Her abuser was convicted on all counts last year and now is in jail. Like most child molestors, my daughter was not his first victim - she was just the first one to go all the way through the legal system to trial. Ten years earlier, he was accused by another victim, but he succeeded in intimidating this girl into dropping the charges before he was indicted so he went into this trial without a criminal record. Well, now finally, he is a convicted sex offender, and faces two more trials for other victims later this year.

My heart goes out to all the victims on this website. I have spent the last few days reading your stories and crying . No one should ever have to endure what happened to any of you.

As a parent, I have enormous feelings of guilt for not being able to see what was happening to my daughter. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it and how I failed to protect her. I find I have trouble trusting men, even though I was not the victim. I can't help wondering if every man I meet could be a child abuser as well. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to cope with this?

#2 phoenyx


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Posted 19 February 2004 - 09:49 PM

((((blackopal)))) I am so sorry you and your daughter had to endure that much pain. Your daughter is very courageous and strong for going through the system and seeing justice done. She also has a wonderful mother to support her. A lot of parents I know would have turned the other way. Please don.t feel guilty as I'm sure if you knew what was happening you would have done something. Your daughter was brainwashed to hide it well. The blame and guilt belong with the abuser. Have you tried calling RAINN at 1-800-656-HOPE? They are trained in counseling and can refer you to the help best for you. I have not used them personally but others from the site have with lifesaving results. Look forward to more from you. Be kind to yourself smile.gif

[Edited on 20-2-04 by phoenyx]

#3 Lilea


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Posted 19 February 2004 - 10:26 PM

Many of we survivors could definitely tell you what a difference a strong or lack of a strong parent can make. I unfortunately had a mother who did NOT believe me. That was devastating to our relationship, and I no longer have contact with her because of her denial. You sound like you have been an incredible support to your daughter, and stood by her through it all. Just keep being patient and loving her and reminding her that she is a strong fighter and she is safe to be weak and open and honest with you. It makes me so happy to hear there are mothers out there who believe and support their daughters!

#4 Guest_black opal_*

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Posted 19 February 2004 - 11:08 PM

My daughter is an incredibly courageous young lady - she is a hero to me, as are all survivors of sexual abuse. I admire my daughter's strength throughout this entire ordeal, before she disclosed and after she disclosed.

When I stop to think the perverted things she was made to endure and suffer, and the whole time she was an excellent student and a high achiever - she hid her suffering and shame so that her parents would not be upset with her. Of course this was one of the arguments her abuser used to keep her silent. He also played on her sympathy and concern for his wife and two young children - saying they would be taken from him and his wife would be devastated. So my daughter sacrificed her childhood and her safety to protect this middle-aged pervert and his family.

How I wish I had known - I could have stopped it that much sooner and at the same time helped prevent the abuse of several other young girls.

After she disclosed, the story was on the news because he was a teacher and a coach. And as is the case with many long-time child molestors, he had his group of staunch supporters who immediately accused my daughter and the other victims who came forward of lying and bringing false charges. They were ably assisted by the defense attorney who used every chance he could to bring media attention to this case.

While I tried to help my daughter in whatever way I could, the burden was very much on her shoulders. She was alone on the witness stand when the defense attorney grilled her for close to 3 hours, trying to poke holes in her story and criticizing her for not speaking up immediately and not marking down dates and times she was abused. Didn't he realize when something happens on a pretty much regular basis, no one marks it on a calendar. Fortunately, the jury believed my daughter's story and found him guilty on all counts. He got 20 years in jail with all but 6 years suspended.

My daughter is healing - some days are better than others for her. She continues to be strong, but she has trouble trusting people. She cannot tell anyone anymore that she loves them. She told me that she just can't - apparently, her abuser demanded that she tell him that she loved him and so now, she can no longer say those words. I can't begin to tell you how much that hurts me. I hope and pray that one day, my daughter will again trust and love and will be able to say to someone "I love you," and mean those words.

#5 Clarissa


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Posted 19 February 2004 - 11:26 PM

(((black opal))) Your daughter is very lucky to have such a supportive mother. I admire your daughter for being enduring such hardships, but i also admire you for sticking with her and for doing all this to try to help her. We're here for you both. love clarissa

#6 Guest_MJ_*

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Posted 20 February 2004 - 01:13 AM

you and your daughter are an inspiration to us all. i am so proud of you
Love and hugs

#7 Wanda1234


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Posted 20 February 2004 - 11:21 AM

I was abused for a long time by my dad. When my mum found out what my dad had done to me and several others she felt incredibly guilty for not knowing but at the same time provided unending support for me. She still does.

#8 Guest_ann_*

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Posted 20 February 2004 - 11:28 AM

I am so sorry for all the pain your daughter has endured.....All the pain as a mom you have endured....Your daughter is very lucky to have you as a mom...I would love for my mom to take me in her arms just once and say I am sorry for what happened to you..Your love has more power to bring healing.... than you may image...Even if she doesn't seem like she is affected by your kindness and support...deep down inside it is helping her make her way back to you.....So I encourage you trust that even though it may take along time....She can heal...just has to be on her time table..Your love will help awaken in her..what trauma has shattered...The pieces can be put back together again....one piece at a time.....
take care ...ann

#9 Guest_black opal_*

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Posted 20 February 2004 - 05:15 PM

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support.

I hope you are right, Ann, that deep inside my daughter does feel the love that I feel very deeply for her. Since she disclosed, she has distanced herself not only from me but from everyone (male and female), preferring to be alone. She has said that she cannot trust anyone anymore and she feels that people only want to be her friend because they want something from her. I try to help her, but she doesn't want any help right now. She does not want to see a therapist , preferring to work things out in her own mind by herself. I think she doesn't want to bring the memories back up to the surface. Since I was never sexually abused, and she doesn't want to talk about it with me, I have no idea what she is going through. The stories on this website have given me a lot of insight into how survivors feel, and I think I have a better idea of how my daughter suffered and still continues to suffer. I worry so much and I pray that someday, she will be trust and love and be whole again.

#10 phoenyx


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Posted 20 February 2004 - 10:07 PM

Even now I wish i had a mom like you who would stand by me emotionally. Mine never did. There were many clues she just never put the pieces together. My father was only the first of my abusers. Issues such as trust,closeness and love will come in time. Healing is possible and your continued love and support will help your daughter to find her way back. We each heal in our own way at our own pace. We are here for you and you do not walk alone.

#11 Guest_alexis_*

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Posted 03 March 2004 - 12:59 PM

i was abused by my step-dad, and didn't tell my mom until after she already left him - she left him because he hit one of my brothers. i remember being angry with her that she didn't somehow magically *know* that the abuse was taking place. i was very shy and mostly just read all the time, and i think she just attributed that to normal teenage-ness. plus she was battling her own depression i think.
now i realize how much she's been through as well, and how much she has been and always will be there for me.
your daughter is going through a very difficult time, but like others have said, i think she does know that you love her.

take care

#12 Guest_Madonna_*

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Posted 03 March 2004 - 11:08 PM

Black Opal,
First of all, I;m so so sorry about your daughter. You are right, no child should ever have to endure something like this. But thanks to your daughter a lot of children won't because she went to the police. You should be extremely proud of her! I know I would be. I never told my parents because I know that my Dad would have killed the guy for sure and my life would be so different now. But what an amazing act of courage that was for her! It must have been so hard!
Please do not be too hard on yourself for not noticing the abuse. It is a very easy thing to hide. I don't blame my parents for not having a clue, but I know they blame themselves and that makes me feel horrible for them because I don't want them to feel this way at all :-( It is only one person's fault....the abuser's, not yours.
Take care of yourself smile.gif