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Welcome to After Silence - A message board and chat room for rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivors.

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Guest Message by DevFuse
 

Still Trying to Cope Many Years Later


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5 replies to this topic

#1 Guest_newmrsd_*

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Posted 09 February 2004 - 08:06 PM

I feel so nervous about this, but I am glad I found this page.

I was raped by a young man I met in church when I was 14. That was nearly eleven years ago, but I am beginning to realize that trying to forget about it rather than dealing with it has made the recovery process long and difficult. My biggest concern is a constant fear for my own saftey. I am afraid all the time. I force myself to go out and do things, but I always reget it, and then come home to insomia or terrible nightmares.

I am now engaged to and living with the same police officer who took my report... He has been a supportive presence in my life for many years now, and helps me to feel safe... but sometimes I am even afraid of him. He has never abused me, and would NEVER harm a woman in any way, but these irrational fears that I continue to have just bubble up... I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I turned the guy in. He told me that he would kill me if I did. In some sick way I feel like I cheated death by turning him in, because in those moments I can't forget he would have killed me if he knew I would turn him in.

How do you deal with the fear? In a way, I'm addicted to it, because I think in the long run it will keep me safe, but on the other hand, I am tired of being afraid. As much as I hate to see so many other women dealing with this pain, it helps to know that I am not alone. My fiance is my rock, and has been the most loving, supportive influence I could ask for -- but he doesn't really understand what I am going through, and why him being there doesn't make the fear stop.

#2 Clarissa

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Posted 10 February 2004 - 12:09 AM

(((newmrsd))) Welcome to After Silence! I'm glad you found your way here and i hope you find support and healing as i have. I am so proud of you for being strong, for standing up for your rights, for letting yourself love and trust again. I'm glad you have a man who loves you so much! Dealing with fear...that's a tough one... i still deal with it everyday... and i dunno how i deal with it... sometimes just taking risks i think...and then it slowly gets easier... it's still scary, but not as bad.... hope that makes sense... =) Sorry i dont have a better answer...maybe somebody else does. =) *hugs* Take care...keep posting! We're here for you!

Clarissa

#3 Lilea

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Posted 10 February 2004 - 01:32 AM

Wow... you have really got a ton of stuff going on! I am sorry to hear about your fear. Only thing I know to reccomend is finding a really good therapist, probably for both you and your fiance, b/c I can't imagine what he is also living with about the whole event. I hope that you work things out... you have survived so much already, I believe you can survive this too! I am curious to know why you regret the things that you go out and do? Are they putting you back into danger? Best wishes...

#4 phoenyx

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Posted 10 February 2004 - 09:33 PM

(((newmrsd))) Welcome to After Silence. I'm glad you are here. I am sorry you are dealing w/so much pain. Remember that you are not alone. There is hope in healing. Days do begin to brighten. Be kind to yourself smile.gif

#5 Guest_Madonna_*

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Posted 10 February 2004 - 10:13 PM

Hi! Congratulations on having the courage to post what you did.
It's horrible being afraid isn't it? My rapist is dead and I am still terrified of him. He also used to tell me that he would kill me if I told or that he would kill my family in front of me if I told and it freaks me out to this day.
Glad to hear you have a supportive fiance. Sometimes I don't know what I would do without my boyfriend. Hopefully you'll find even more support here :-)

Madonna :-)

#6 Wendy

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Posted 11 February 2004 - 12:35 PM

Hi there. Just wanted to add my welcome to the others. As they have already said, it is improtant to work through that fear with a therapist, its not easy but is so worth it when you begin to release that. Somebody I have shared my journey with always tells me that I should realise that we don't 'get over' things, that we have to go through it to really deal with it.

Take care
wendy