Welcome to After Silence - A message board and chat room for rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivors.
|Welcome to After Silence, a message board and chat room designed to help survivors communicate in the recovery of rape, sexual abuse, sexual assault, and all types of sexual violence.
After Silence has over 30 different forums, ranging from topics created to discuss specific areas of healing and recovery from rape and sexual violence, as well as forums open to general discussions and lighter topics. Because we value the privacy of our members, most of our forums are private, which means that ONLY REGISTERED members have access to them. Please register for a free account to gain full access to the After Silence Online Support Group.
If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org
Still Trying to Cope Many Years Later
Posted 09 February 2004 - 08:06 PM
I was raped by a young man I met in church when I was 14. That was nearly eleven years ago, but I am beginning to realize that trying to forget about it rather than dealing with it has made the recovery process long and difficult. My biggest concern is a constant fear for my own saftey. I am afraid all the time. I force myself to go out and do things, but I always reget it, and then come home to insomia or terrible nightmares.
I am now engaged to and living with the same police officer who took my report... He has been a supportive presence in my life for many years now, and helps me to feel safe... but sometimes I am even afraid of him. He has never abused me, and would NEVER harm a woman in any way, but these irrational fears that I continue to have just bubble up... I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I turned the guy in. He told me that he would kill me if I did. In some sick way I feel like I cheated death by turning him in, because in those moments I can't forget he would have killed me if he knew I would turn him in.
How do you deal with the fear? In a way, I'm addicted to it, because I think in the long run it will keep me safe, but on the other hand, I am tired of being afraid. As much as I hate to see so many other women dealing with this pain, it helps to know that I am not alone. My fiance is my rock, and has been the most loving, supportive influence I could ask for -- but he doesn't really understand what I am going through, and why him being there doesn't make the fear stop.
Posted 10 February 2004 - 12:09 AM
Posted 10 February 2004 - 01:32 AM
Posted 10 February 2004 - 09:33 PM
Posted 10 February 2004 - 10:13 PM
It's horrible being afraid isn't it? My rapist is dead and I am still terrified of him. He also used to tell me that he would kill me if I told or that he would kill my family in front of me if I told and it freaks me out to this day.
Glad to hear you have a supportive fiance. Sometimes I don't know what I would do without my boyfriend. Hopefully you'll find even more support here :-)
Posted 11 February 2004 - 12:35 PM