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Welcome to After Silence - A message board and chat room for rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivors.

Welcome to After Silence, a message board and chat room designed to help survivors communicate in the recovery of rape, sexual abuse, sexual assault, and all types of sexual violence.

After Silence has over 30 different forums, ranging from topics created to discuss specific areas of healing and recovery from rape and sexual violence, as well as forums open to general discussions and lighter topics. Because we value the privacy of our members, most of our forums are private, which means that ONLY REGISTERED members have access to them. Please register for a free account to gain full access to the After Silence Online Support Group.

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#1 Guest_NicoleLJ_*

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Posted 12 December 2003 - 07:30 PM

Hi,
My name is Nicole Johnson. I am a Canadian. I am 27 and a survivor of childhood abuse and a rape at the age of 14. My mother has been married five times and the first three were in the military so she is the one who would beat me or starve me. Her first 3 husbands didn't know of the abuse going on since they were rarely there. Her fourth husband had three children of his own, all younger then myself. We ended up living on a farm and we were all home schooled so no one knew of the abuse going on until I had my mother and her husband charged when I was 19. When I was raped my mother wasn't married but when she found out she told me it was my own fault. She found out a year later becuase the man who had raped me had gotten his sister pregnant. He was 18 when he raped me. I had been staying over at his house because his sister who was 13 at the time was my best friend. She was 14 when he got her pregnant. My mother told me that her pregnancy and my rape was my fault. She did this all my life blaming me for everything that went wrong for her and I always believed her. Because of this I have never seeked therapy even when I would end up in the hospital for suicide. I don't trust people.

But finally last year I was able to come up with the strength to cut all ties with my family. I have a lot of work ahead of me because right now I don't even leave my home. I am terrified to be out in public. Searching on the net I discovered a site that discribes a service dog that helps people like me. It could go every where with me. I have done a lot of work with dogs and dog training because I find I can relax in their presence. I am getting my puppy, a white german sheperd, in February of the new year and i am going to train her to be my service dog with the help of some other people who have one that I have been talking to online. They are the ones that have told me to find forums I can join to start to get over my childhood. The dog will help me handle being in public and the talking is suppose to help me deal with me. I still can't handle talking to someone face to face about it. I am so terrified of being told or looked at like it was all my fault. That is just the surface of my story.

Now I am married with one little angel named Isabeau. She is 5 and keeps me on my toes. LOL. I am really hoping to make some friends here. Happy Holidays.

#2 Peacegirl

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Posted 12 December 2003 - 10:54 PM

((((Nicole))))

Welcome to After Silence. I hope that you will find this environment to be supportive. You have a lot of strength whether you know it or not. I'm here if you need anything.

Lindsay

#3 Wendy

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Posted 13 December 2003 - 03:24 AM

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry that you have a reason to be here, but as lindsay siad hope that you will find this site supportive.

Reading your story i could identify with alot of it and understand how difficult it must've been to break all ties - it is something i am currently tring to do.

Wendy

#4 Guest_NicoleLJ_*

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Posted 13 December 2003 - 12:26 PM

Cutting ties with my family was the hardest thing I have ever done. I just can't have that woman near my daughter. I want my daughter to have a different life then I had growing up.

I tried so hard to give my mother chance after chance. But I was always finding myself lying to cover up for her. When I charged her with child abuse against her 3 step kids she went out and pretended to want to kill herself to get sympathy but also to make me look like an evil person for reporting my mother. I knew some people wouldn't like me for it but since I lived in a small town I found the back lash to be more than I could handle.

Yet years later I still gave her another chance even though she refused to apologize or even to say that it did happen. I tried to go along with her telling me it never happened and that i am a cronic liar and so on but I finally realized that she was trying to manipulate me agian. I had to stop her and start telling people the truth about her. So first I cut all ties with her.

The crazy thing is I still love my mother. Poeple tell me that there is no way that I could after all the things I say about her. But I do. I may be 27 but I still dream of hearing my mother say she loves me. She never has, not even when I was a small child. She would always tell me how it was my fault that I was born and always seem to destroy her life. I was raised to hate myself and everything about me. I hope I can change that.

This is why the puppy is so important. Once she is trained I will have the strength to be able to go into therapy and hopefully start healing. The pup is due to be born anyway now and it has me so hyper just waiting for the birth.

If anyone here ever wants to chat via msn or email feel free to. I am home all day and never leave my house so I always welcome people to chat with.

#5 Catherine

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Posted 13 December 2003 - 07:33 PM

smile.gifsmile.gifsmile.gif

((((((((( Welcome )))))))))))

Glad you found our group, it is a very supportive group, hope you settle down with us quickly, and feel safe to vent anything.
I could identify with a lot of what you said in your thread.

Take Gentle Care of Yourself
LOve Catherine

#6 Lynz

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Posted 13 December 2003 - 07:40 PM

Hi Nicole. It's very nice to meet you. I understand that you still love your mother. My father was not physically abusive to me, but he has been verbally abusive and very blaming toward me about being raped. I still love him, I just protect myself from him by not talking to him about the important things in my life. I still talk to him, but we chit chat. Even though you have had to sever ties with your family to protect yourself does not mean you stop loving them. I am glad that you found this forum and I hope to get to know you better.

Lynz

#7 Guest_mand76uk_*

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Posted 14 December 2003 - 12:04 PM

Hi Nicole,
Welcome to the group, it really is an excellent place to start to talk about what you have survived.

I can relate to what you say about your family, when I told my mum that her husband was abusing me, she refused to believe me. Then when he admitted it, she chose him over me. I still see her at least once a week, but I have started to feel a lot of anger towards her, and I just don't know what I am meant to do with that. I do love her, still, and she is not with him any more.

It must have taken a lot of strength to cut those ties, and to report the abuse.

I hope that this forum will help in your healing journey.

((( Hugs)))

Amanda.