Welcome to After Silence - A message board and chat room for rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivors.
|Welcome to After Silence, a message board and chat room designed to help survivors communicate in the recovery of rape, sexual abuse, sexual assault, and all types of sexual violence.
After Silence has over 30 different forums, ranging from topics created to discuss specific areas of healing and recovery from rape and sexual violence, as well as forums open to general discussions and lighter topics. Because we value the privacy of our members, most of our forums are private, which means that ONLY REGISTERED members have access to them. Please register for a free account to gain full access to the After Silence Online Support Group.
If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org
Was I Assaulted Or Not?
Posted 01 November 2004 - 07:12 AM
A few days later my wife insisted she wanted to have sex again. I wanted to have sex, but knew she wanted a baby, and didn't want her getting pregnant straight away as our marriage was a shambles, and a year earlier she had lied to get me put in jail for a crime I did not do so she could be with her million air boyfriend.
Anyways we were doing our business, and as I had no condoms and she was not on the pill, I planned withdrawing close to that moment. She had other ideas though and locked her legs around me preventing me from doing so while pulling me into her. I told her I wasn't happy and she told me she didn't want me to stop as she was enjoying her moment.
The next day, while talking her to work (She worked over 100 miles away), she insisted we stopped in some woods. This time she kissed, cuddled and then took my truck keys. Once again she wanted sex and refused to give me back my keys while we were in the middle of nowhere. I ended up caving and once again we started to make love and then as the night before she did exactly the same, locking her legs around me so I could not withdraw from her.
On March 16th she found out she was pregnant by the faintest of lines, and then again on March 20th. On May 5th and after spending all my money, and approaching 12 weeks of pregnancy, she decided to leave me again, filed for divorce and claimed the baby was her ex boyfriends, even though her and her ex tried for a baby for 3 and a half years before we got married with no luck (She had a daughter she lost custody of at 16); also her ex looks identical to me other than being a few inches taller.
Now I don't know what to do. She is lying again trying to get me into trouble, and trying to steel the baby. A friend told me she thinks my estranged wife may be classed as assaulting or even raping me with the intent of getting pregnant.
I don't know if I should report it to the courts, to the police or what. I fear for the baby though knowing about the rest of the iceberg hidden under this little tip I have told you about.
Please tell me your views and recommendations.
Posted 01 November 2004 - 07:39 AM
Firstly I am so sorry for what you have been through. I know how hard it is to bring things to our chests and look at them for what they are. It's taken courage for you to come here and share this with us.
As for your question about whether a woman is capable of assault, it saddens me to say that yes, women are more than capable, and women do. All the time. Society likes to see women in a very specific light, but women can be every bit as abusive, in every way, as men.
I think the best thing you can do is listen to your heart. You know what you know.
Wishing you good times.
Posted 01 November 2004 - 10:16 AM
Posted 01 November 2004 - 12:25 PM
Yes women can sexually assault. They can also sexually coerce someone into having sex. But that term cannot legally be defined as rape under certain rules. Basically you have to be a grown man seduceing a woman or vise verse with lots of drinks or intoxicants (or playing on a person's vulnerablility or disability) with the intention to take advantage of her at the end of the night. If she is inhibited and cannot say "no" than it is legal rape.
But if you are two grown people and one coerces the other into full consented sex, Espessially if that person is married, and not on any intoxicants than it will not be counted as rape. Let me ask you this. If your wife would not have gotten pregnant and left and said this was her ex's baby would you still have thought it was rape? Or would it have just seemed like any casual sex? Rape is completely different, rape is a force, it's against a person's will. I don't think this was against your will because you agreed to it every single time. The fact that she used you is something you unfortunately cannot make ends meet with so I can understand the feeling of abandonment. I had this one time when I went out with a guy and he had sex with me and abandoned me the next day. We had sent e-mails back and forth, I really liked this guy before I met him. But stupid me yanno...He disappeared the next day, I called his cell phone and he made a fake voice pretending he was someone else and hung up on me. Never to answer again. Timmaybaby I wish every single day of my life that I could yell RAPE in his face. But I'm simply not allowed, I can't, it wasn't rape. I wanted to have sex that night. It's a sad world we live in when people are just ALLOWED to walk on our hearts and our bodies in a way that makes it OKAY to the rest of the world when it doesn't always feel right to us. In your case it's going to be even more difficult because how do you tell a judge she used sex as a weapon to get away from you but yet take the one thing that is always going to be a part of you? How do you tell someone that you cuddled afterwards and kissed? My heart goes out to you because I can understand that it's a confuseing subject. And I stand with the other girls, you have to follow your heart. As well as the advice of others, never just follow the advice of others, always do both. And we hope that you truly will find your answer. I myself hope to.
Posted 01 November 2004 - 01:58 PM
I don't know what my situation is described as, many people say it is different things.
All I know is she made me do something against my will, with one of the occasions blackmailing me to have sex with her by preventing me from leaving, and that doesn't change weather she is pregnant or not, nor if the baby is mine or not.
All I know is consensual sex is consensual, and if someone wants to pull the plug so to speak 'No pun intended', then they should respect that persons wishes, and mine were not respected.
Posted 01 November 2004 - 02:14 PM
I'm sorry but blackmailing is not rape, you still have a choice to consent. If you had sex and became aroused and went through with it (kisses and hugs afterwards and all) without saying no than you followed through with her attempt to blackmail you like an agreement, it doesn't mean she forced herself on you, it means she said "do this or I'll do that" The only thing she's guilty of forceing is to do whatever the other end of the blackmail is that she wants to do or intends on doing. Blackmailing and useing sex, I mean that's like still giving YOU a choice. Because you can always say "go ahead and do whatever it is you want to do to embaress me" or whatever the situation is for example. Now if she physically forced you against your will that would be a completely different story. But this isn't even coersion, this is more like harassment. To be honest with you I don't really know what to say other than that. You might get a little angry with how we feel and I apologize but you've seemed to already make up your mind on what you feel is rape.
Posted 01 November 2004 - 02:39 PM
I definetly would call that abuse, im sorry that she did that to you. It is totally possible for a woman to assault a man just as it is for a man to assault a woman and as it is also possible for a man to assault a man and a woman to assault another woman. Please keep posting and know that we are here for you.
Also hey welcome!!
Posted 01 November 2004 - 02:58 PM
I'm sorry but I don't quite see where you logic is with this situation. She was physically as strong as me, and could have forced me if I did not cave-in.
Now lets reverse the situation. A married woman is taken to a remote place and her husband steels the keys preventing her from leaving the area, other than her going out into the woods in the pitch black middle of the night; the closest town is 20 miles away. He then tells her that if she has sex he will let her go home when they are done. Wanting to go home as she is scared of the unknown area she reluctantly has sex, but she is frightened as she is not on the pill, and he is not using protection; now at that critical moment when she tries to push him away to stop herself getting pregnant he forces himself into her to get her pregnant. When he is done he smiles and gives her the keys back so they can leave.
This is exactly the reverse as what happened to me. Is this still consensual?
Posted 01 November 2004 - 03:43 PM
Edited by lost, 01 November 2004 - 03:47 PM.
Posted 01 November 2004 - 04:10 PM
If the situation WAS reversed you would have probably seen the woman run away or say "No" or at least pick a fight to get her way before she just caved in. It doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman. you have the right, the right to run freely, run away, say "give me my keys this is insane!". and if not just start walking. It doesn't mean it's your fault cause you didn't. Lots of us do this. I'm not saying what she did was RIGHT but I can't say much of anything because it's again hard to determine. And if she has that much control over you than it's such a good thing you two aren't together anymore because honestly you deserve better treatment in your life than mind manipulation or someone who is going to make you feel weaker than they are. It's time to feel strong again.
Posted 01 November 2004 - 04:36 PM
The way she treated you was so wrong, I'm sorry that you had to go through it. I don't know what to call it myself, but I can certainly understand that you are upset about being coerced into doing something that you didn't want to. I don't have any super advice for you, sorry, but I wish you all the best.
Posted 01 November 2004 - 05:35 PM
it's a difficult situation indeed. If she behaved in such manner that forced you to stay inside her against your will I believe that it is abuse. I have a friend who agreed to have sex with a guy but didn't want him to ejaculate inside her. When the moment arrived she asked me to withdraw and he refused so she yelled at him and he still refused. She asked me if she was raped and if she could press charges. I told her that I didn't know whether or not she was "raped" under the definition of the law but I did know she was abused as you are allowed to say no and change your mind at any given time. Again for your wife to blackmailing you to have sex with her is still abuse. However to call it rape you'll have to prove that you were afraid for your life and that is why you consented. There are many women who don't fight back but that does not make them guilty if they feared for their life or were just too shocked to fight back. What probably makes your story a little different is that we all know men are stronger than women, thus it is hard to believe she could physically force you to have sex with her against your will. She may have been very manipulative and this is wrong as it is an emotional abuse.
If you want to know whether or not you can press charges against her, this is something you should discuss with a lawyer. If you fear the baby is yours and she want to take it away from you, again you should discuss this with a lawyer who may represent you in a paternity law sue. With the help of the DNA is today "relatively" easy to identify the paternity. You may request a DNA test and if it is indeed your baby, you have rights. But again contacting a lawyer would be the best thing to do.
Posted 01 November 2004 - 07:17 PM