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Welcome to After Silence - A message board and chat room for rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivors.

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Guest Message by DevFuse


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9 replies to this topic

#1 Guest_apple_*

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Posted 02 October 2004 - 05:16 PM

Hello I am new to this board. I posted posted once in one of the other boards.
I was abused by my father. It started when I was 11. He would watch me shower and tell me where to wash. When I was 12 he started to touch. He never completed the act if you know what I mean. I told my mom and we left. My mother & uncle were the only family member's that belived me. Everyone said I over reacted and that I had been reading to many adult books. I still see and talk to my father. It is always in the back of my mind. I can't stand it when hugs or touches my daughter. I never let myself be alone with him and he will NEVER be left alone with my child. It has been 17 years and I still think about this alot and hae nightmares. I went to counsling after and was better for awhile. I just want to know will this ever go away???????? I feel dirty and wrong for still talking to him. I still feel like he is an ok dad now. He was a monster when I was growing up. Very verbaly abusive and physically abusive to my mother. Why do I still crave his acceptance and love. I should HATE him. Am I a sick person for still loving him. I am so messed up about all this. It will go away for awhile then the dreams will start again. Then I will catch myself during the day thinking about it and start crying. I am very carefull about who I let around my daughter and I hate it when men hug her. Even her uncle who I trust. I don't know what to do with all these feelings. Sorry if I am rambling, or if this was not a good place to post this.

#2 Heavensent

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Posted 02 October 2004 - 07:54 PM

Welcome Apple greet.gif

I am so sorry for what happened to you. I am glad that you found us, I am new too and I have found lots of support and understanding here. I asked the same question that you did. Does it ever end? so I cannot help you there. I can tell you it does get better, but it takes lots of work. There are ups and downs. Don't give up. You were so brave to tell your mother, and she was very supportive in getting you away from him. I wonder if he knows how much pain he is causing you by what he has done, and by treating you as if nothing happened. He was supposed to protect you from anyone hurting you. It is not the victim that should feel guilty and ashamed, it is the perpetrator, and or any other adults who tell you you are making too much of what happened. He violated the child/parent relationship, and confused and hurt you. sad.gif

We are here for you, talking sometimes help clear up the confusion. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself the approval you need, because you have done well to handle this the way you have under the circumstances. Continue to do whatever you have to do to protect yourself and your child. hug.gif throb.gif

#3 SheShy

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Posted 02 October 2004 - 10:57 PM

Hello Apple
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through and I hope being here helps you as much as it does me. You sound like such a wonderful mother.

#4 Charlene


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Posted 03 October 2004 - 06:53 AM

welcome to the boards greet.gif
hope we can all help you on your journey to healing throb.gif

#5 Survivors sanctuary

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    We were beset by conflicts without and by fears within

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Posted 03 October 2004 - 07:41 AM

Welcome to this place, I hope that being here can help in your healing journey .. hug.gif

#6 betty


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Posted 03 October 2004 - 01:02 PM

welcome hug.gif

#7 Alysure


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Posted 03 October 2004 - 01:07 PM

throb.gif Hi, welcome to the board.

I'm really sorry for what your father did. Any violation of trust is very significant and i'm sorry a lot of your family didn't support you. You shouldn't feel bad for still loving him. Even tho he is a bad person, that doesn't mean he isn't still your father you know? I think a lot of people struggle with that. You aren't the bad person, he is, you are an amazing girl for still having love for him in your heart. You are amazing and wonderful for that.

I dont' blame you for feeling gross when he has contact with you and your daughter. He shouldn't be so lucky to have contact with either of you.

The healing process is always a difficult journey. Things will seem fine for a long time and then seemingly out of nowhere sometimes, we'll have to face all the issues all over again. I think it's a lifelong process. Don't let that dishearten you though. We are all strong amazing women. It's important to remember, that although we may struggle with this for the majority of our lives, it gets much easier as time goes on and as we face the issues we have to face.

The important thing is that we raise children and effect people to stop abuse. That is our mission. It is our purpose. As horrible as it is, there is a purpose for everything. Although that doesn't really make me feel better. I feel better thinking that perhaps something we all do as a group will make a difference in the world.

I think we do, and will continue to do so.

Again, welcome. I wish you well. throb.gif

#8 Donna


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Posted 03 October 2004 - 02:00 PM


Welcome to the board sweetie, please post as much as you would like and know that you are not alone. hug.gif


Donna =)

#9 Guest_apple_*

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Posted 03 October 2004 - 04:45 PM

Thank you all for responding. It is genneraly ignored that anything ever happend. It is always assumed I made it up. It has not been disscussed in many years. It is like it never happened as far as anyone else is concerned.

It has a huge effect on my relationships with men. When I was a teenager I felt that Iif I didn't sleep with a guy then he wouldn't love me. Which led to alot of things I wish I would never had done. I lost my Virgintiy to my mother's boyfriend's son. My mother had stuck us in the same bed to sleep when ever he would come to stay. After waking up so many times to find him touching me or doing thing's oraly to me I gave in and let him have sex with me. I didn't want to,but it was like it wasn't me. He messed with me for months before my mom found out and made him start sleeping on the couch. He would try to sneak in my room at night but I started sleeping with my back up against the door. I know this gross but he had this thing about feet. I still can't stand for my feet to be touched or to touch someone else's. It realy make me sick to my stomach. I don;t think of this a rape because I never realy said no when we had sex. I just gave up and let him.

I am so lucky my husband is wonderfull man and is nothing like my father or any other man I have been with. We have been married ten years and I wouldn't change a thing about him. Well maybe the snoaringLOL. He would never hurt me.
I was into drugs when we meet and he is the reason I got out of it. I used to get high and let whatever happened happen. I hope noone thinks bad of me for my less than great sex history. I have been judged alot in the past for it.
Thank you so much for listing and understanding. This was realy hard for me to tal about. It has been many years since I have even mentioned it to anyone. Even though it is always there.
THANK YOU ALL throb.gif

#10 Banned3S

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Posted 04 October 2004 - 09:15 AM

Welcome to the board hon.. hug.gif