Welcome to After Silence - A message board and chat room for rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivors.
|Welcome to After Silence, a message board and chat room designed to help survivors communicate in the recovery of rape, sexual abuse, sexual assault, and all types of sexual violence.
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Moving Towards Acceptance ***may T***
Posted 01 December 2008 - 01:32 PM
Posted 01 December 2008 - 01:57 PM
For me I struggle the most with accepting (forgiving?) myself for not doing more at the time of the abuse. One person wrote about the fact that they did not act the first time and how it helped the abuser feel the power to come back a second time. This is the darkest part of my heart... I did not do enough to stop what was happening to me.
My husband and I have gone over this time and time again, and while I can wrap my mind around the fact that I was a child and acted as most children would in that place... my heart will not allow me to forgive the child who let it happen a second time before speaking up. I struggle with the fact that I was not a person who was told that others would be hurt or not love me... there were no words exchanged. But still I did not say anything... not until the second time. How do you move what your head knows to your heart? What do I need to do to find peace with this part of the anger/guilt/pain?
I don't think I can start to heal until I allow this child in my heart to find peace with herself...
I can't seem to forgive her/me
I let it happen, I did not stop it and the guilt/ shame is eating me alive.
Posted 02 January 2009 - 01:44 AM
i dont think ive accepted it. to be honest ive never thought about it. thanks for posting that, bc thats something i need to do, accept.
Edited by prezioso, 02 January 2009 - 01:46 AM.
Posted 30 November 2009 - 10:02 PM
I re-read that over and over for the last ten minutes and its perhaps the most inspirational thing I've seen on this site yet. I congratulate you on getting to this point & you've inspired me to try my hardest to be able to see myself the same way. Thank you.
Posted 02 December 2009 - 03:32 AM
I have been in counseling for 4 years already and just in the last few months have been able to start discussing ALL of the details...but even then, only of one of the most recent instances... It took me that long to fully trust that something terrible wouldn't happen when I said the things that don't fit with my story of my life this far.
I would still say if asked by someone I don't know well or if someone in my family asked for a childhood recap that I had a great one. My family wasn't a violent one (at least overtly so), they were fairly well-off, there was always food on the table and I could take part in almost anything I wanted (school, sports, etc.). But if you add in the parts where alcoholism kept my mom from being present from elementary school through college for me and her marriage choice was a man with boiling rage just below the surface...and the picture is skewed a little. I am just now starting to realize how absent she must have been to not notice the neighbor boy and his older brother for two years when I was in the second grade. And now having flashbacks of things I have no memory of or context for. Just know I was little and he was an adult. The only thing that fits there is her never ending stream of "dates" in between my dad leaving and husband #2. But to be fair, I have nothing save the scene shrouded in darkness and the panic, stomach flip and localized heat that scene created.
My T calls it acknowledge and accept.
And I have been fighting it tooth and nail the whole time. Probably wouldn't have even thought of what happened as bad except for the part where I thought I was pregnant at 9 (and some days not even then)... For sure wouldn't have gone to counseling for it. So it was all the adult stuff that brought me into counseling...and just now starting to think what if the adult stuff elicited such a strong reaction (and an equally strong denial and pushback) because of what happened earlier.
I don't know how to explain it, but it's like my brain can't handle the label. Somehow it thinks it knows what SA looks like...and who I am and what my childhood was like wasn't it. (Not that my brain can name what is, just for sure not me.) The lawyer in my head has argued against the facts for years (maybe you misunderstood that, you chose to do that--or at least you must have since you don't remember how it started, maybe you are remembering incorrectly, you can't prove it with corroborating evidence or beyond a reasonable doubt)...
But the adult me is having a hard time reconciling all the...I guess you'd call them syptoms...things that only people with a history of SA have. Way more than once in my descriptions of things and responses to certain things, my T has said something about textbook CSA. In my wildest dreams I couldn't have created the flashbacks...have never felt anything that strongly in my life. Wouldn't be able to make myself wake up at the same time each night, some nights in a panic--trying hard to breathe, having to talk myself into swallowing before I can breathe, struggling to stay present in normal day to day... And there are so many more...
It is these things along with the memories I do have that make me think what happened was a big deal. That somehow the "happy" childhood I try to pretend I had was anything but.
But letting that be real and *just exist* seems beyond what I can handle.
But years of denying it ever existed hasn't gotten me anywhere...and this small voice in my head has been repeating for years that things can be better...that things will be better.
There is a hope for tomorrow.
For now, I'm settling for what I can...that what happened when I was little wasn't good or *normal*....that my childhood included SA...is possible. Probable actually.
Edited by n2diving, 20 December 2009 - 11:41 PM.