It means, I stop running and I walk straight into the face of reality, the face of that little girl, that hurting and sad little girl, and I look her in the eyes and I acknowledge what happened to her. I accept the truth and the reality of what happened to her, what happened to me. I do not approve of the behavior. I do not accept the behavior. But, I accept this as a part of me. Part of who I am is a little girl who was hurt and unloved, but now a girl who grew up full of love.
I accept that they hurt me in ways unthinkable to any human. I accept all the pain, horror and emotional turmoil that goes with it. I accept that I did not deserve it, did nothing to cause it, and that I cannot change it. There is no rewind button.
For years, I have thought that to accept what happened to me meant that I was "protecting" myself. Protecting myself from pain. But the truth is that I was only hurting myself. By not accepting what happened to me, I was doing exactly what they did to me...silencing myself. I was taking away my voice. I was silencing that hurting little girl and not loving her the way she deserves to be loved. I will not take her voice away any longer.
I will accept her for all that she was, all that she did, all that she tried to do, and all that she is. I am looking her in the eyes now and allowing her to experience the love she was never given by saying "I accept you and all that happened to you as reality. I am not ashamed to be you. I am not ashamed of what you did to survive. I am proud to know someone with so much courage, strength, and resiliency." I accept everything that happened to me as truth and reality and part of what makes me, me. I accept that I could not control what happened to me, but I can see it as part of my life, and I will no longer allow myself to live in silence and pain.
I will no longer run from reality. I am in absence of denial. I accept the facts. I accept that my uncle raped me. I accept that I hurt others to save myself. I accept that I did the best I could. I accept that I reacted as normally as I could to abnormal circumstances. I accept where I am right now in my healing and I accept that I am a human being that makes mistakes and is not perfect. I accept the good, the bad, the nasty, the ugly, the painful, and the things that make my stomach turn. I accept that I have some huge things to work through. I accept that the road will be long and hard.
What I do not accept is letting them off the hook with denial. I do not accept that I am bad, wrong, or to blame. I will no longer doubt myself or my memories, as they are my reality. I do not accept denial of that beautiful little girl anymore. I will wake up everyday, look her in the eyes and accept her for who she is, a beautiful little girl with the will to survive. The abuse that I have hidden from, is part of me and I accept me.
Edited by curlyrin, 16 July 2007 - 12:50 PM.