Welcome to After Silence - A message board and chat room for rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivors.
|Welcome to After Silence, a message board and chat room designed to help survivors communicate in the recovery of rape, sexual abuse, sexual assault, and all types of sexual violence.
After Silence has over 30 different forums, ranging from topics created to discuss specific areas of healing and recovery from rape and sexual violence, as well as forums open to general discussions and lighter topics. Because we value the privacy of our members, most of our forums are private, which means that ONLY REGISTERED members have access to them. Please register for a free account to gain full access to the After Silence Online Support Group.
If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org
Posted 17 November 2007 - 12:56 AM
Look at yourself. Get it together, this is not the way to act or think. You will only make yourself worse.
You have to rise above. Take care of yourself. You take care of everyone else but you. How you gonna help others if yourself is a mess? Your not alone, you have many people who care vary much for you, you just dont see it. Like you always say, 'I can work it out' so do it. Figure things out, better yourself. I dont need to write a whole letter, you know what to do.
I know you miss Ann terribly, she'll be with you, let her rest in peace, she knows you miss her, and she misses you too. Shes not here anymore so you got to stand on your own two feet.
Posted 14 December 2007 - 04:42 AM
WHAT ARE YOU DOING???????????????????????????????? YOU NEED TO TELL SOMEONE
Edited by whitedove, 14 December 2007 - 04:53 AM.
Posted 16 December 2007 - 03:40 AM
Hang in there. If you need to try to do that thing, try. F*ck what your mother says, she's not the one who's been thru your life and she gets no say whatsoever now.
Posted 20 December 2007 - 12:50 AM
WHAT ARE YOU DOING???????????????????????????????? YOU NEED TO TELL SOMEONE
Good on you for this.
Posted 27 March 2008 - 10:38 PM
It was not your fault. You can tell mom she is strong enough to handle it. You need to open up to someone. You are going to break if you don't just let it out. Stop putting on a brave face when you are dying inside!!!
Posted 03 April 2008 - 01:35 AM
Try and keep a regular routine. Don't sleep all day and don't rely on klonopin to keep you numb.
Wake up everyday and remember there is more to you than what he took away. Much more.
(sorry that's all I could manage.)
I will try again later when I've come further from where I am now. It's all so close.
Posted 02 June 2008 - 11:18 AM
I'm so sorry for what has happened to you. Despite what you feel, none of it was your fault. You were a little girl, they were all much older than you. They knew better and you didn't. I know you feel ashamed that you didn't struggle, but what were your other options? You had no adult who knew what was going on or that made you feel safe, and R threatened you. For all you knew, he would hurt you if you tried to put up a fight. Don't forget how much bigger he was than you. "Complying" was keeping yourself safe.
The fact that you did (and do) dissociate does not make you weak. It makes you strong because you used a creative coping skill to keep yourself sane.
You are not weak. You are so much more courageous than you think you are. You've been to hell and back and you're still fighting. Things will get better, I promise. There are challenges ahead but also moments of joy when you aren't thinking about the abuse. There will be laughter and love.
The abuse is not all you are. You're a beautiful, creative person with many interests. Hang in there, hun.
Edited by AWhisperofTruth, 02 June 2008 - 11:22 AM.
Posted 03 December 2008 - 10:08 PM
I want you to know that I love you a lot, and I want you to heal from your painful memories from your abuse-filled childhood. I want you to be authentically happy. I hope you believe me when I tell you that you are NOT to blame for the sibling incest and emotional abuse that you endured. You were, are, and always will be an innocent child of the universe. You hold a special place in my heart, soul, and mind.
I wish you happier days ahead, better luck, and easier times in your life. I hope you always keep your attitude of gratitude for staying alive every day. Always keep your faith, hope, strength, and courage alive as you travel along the road to healing, especially when you feel like giving up on life. You are a true survivor of childhood abuse, and I am very proud of you for thriving in your life and being the wonderful person who you are today.
I love you now and forever,
Posted 28 January 2009 - 08:05 PM
I know how badly you hurt right now. You can laugh, though. You still have your sense of humor, you have retained your compassion, your love of art, animals, music, movies, and other interests. I know you feel broken and ruined, but you aren't. Think of that picture you drew. The one with you shattered, with cracks and chunks missing. I know you feel that makes you irreparable, but think of filling those gaps up with steel. It won't be the same as it was before, but it will be stronger. That's how it is. You are and always will be different than you would be if you weren't abused, but you're also going to have valuable tools you wouldn't have had otherwise. You're going to be stronger because of this.
I'm not going to lie to you. It's going to get harder. It's going to be, at times, terrifying. You're going to go more and more places that are full of shame and fear. You're going to break down barriers, explore things inside yourself you'd rather turn away from, but it will be worth it. You will get past this constant pain. You will go on to do good things in the world. You'll look back on this many years from now and think, "Wow. Look at what I did. That took courage."
It's going to painful; healing doesn't happen overnight and certainly not easily. Trust the process. Keep going even when you feel like giving up. Keep people who support you close. Don't be afraid of trusting. You don't want to be abandoned or rejected so you don't want to trust because you're afraid of getting hurt, but you're hurting already. You can't do this alone, so please don't trick yourself into thinking you can again.
Keep the faith.
Posted 15 April 2009 - 02:24 AM
There are so many things about you that I love. Your kind heart, the beauty in everyone that you search to see, and the compassion that you exude. I love your smile, and the way that your eyes light up when you talk about something that is your passion. I love watching you fall in love, with not only Curt, but yourself. I love that you are finding that happy balance in your life. You deserve it.
I love that you can find the good in everyone. I love that you can make a crowd of people laugh harder than anyone I know. But most of all, I love that you are a survivor. Someone who has taken the painful side of their past, and wrapped it in your life. Even though it has defined you, it has become you, it has still not fully consumed you. I love that about you. I love that you are consistently inconsistent, and that you answer to no one, but yourself.
I love that you have confidence, as a woman, as a mentor, as a friend. That you care more about your friends & family, then you do about yourself at times. I love that you want to rescue every sick kitten, puppy, and animal you come into contact with. I love that you put your heart and soul into life, no matter what the occasion is.
But with all the things I love, there are so many that I hate still.
I hate that you still blame yourself. I hate that you canít forgive him just yet. I hate that you make excuses for yourself, knowing that there is no excuse for his actions towards you. I hate that you canít move on from this because you wonít take some of those crucial steps.
I hate that you stop therapy at the drop of a hat because you donít want to get close to anyone again. I hate that you canít sleep for more than 3 hours at a time because your dreams are ripped open by painful flashbacks that literally cause you to scream out. I hate that, as punishment (which is something weíll talk about in a minute), you force yourself to remember every little detail in hopes of finding a flaw in yourself, instead of him.
I hate that you even feel the need to punish yourself to begin with. Why do you need to be punished? What could you have done, at any point in your life, that would merit being sexually and physically abused by someone? I hate that you donít have the trust to admit to yourself that you need help. I hate that you donít want to reach out anymore, that you feel like you should ďhave controlĒ of the situation by now.
I hate that you feel that this ďsituationĒ is even a ďsituationĒ. Itís not a situation, Heather. Itís a part of your life, one that you can never take back. I hate that you want to play the martyr, and try and act as though you have gotten through this, even though you know you have not. I hate that you donít allow yourself to speak to others, that you donít feel as though you are worth it. I hate that you donít feel that you are strong, that you are an inspiration to someone, anyone out there who has been through, or is going through, what you have.
And most importantly, I hate that you canít stop putting up walls, when instead you could, and should be tearing them down.
But remember this, Heather.
Youíve come so far. And you have more to go. But you are never on this journey alone. You have friends, you have family, and you have someone who is not only your best friend, but your future husband to support you. In any way. You are loved, you are cherished, not only by those listed above, but by yourself.
You are a survivor. You will rise above this.
You will prove to him that you are not just a w**re, you are not worthless, you are not a piece of trash, and you are much more important that he ever thought.
Be proud of yourself, Heather. Our journey is only starting.
Posted 15 April 2009 - 06:18 AM
Today you said no more. He tried but you stayed true to your word and eventually he stopped trying. That took so much courage. It took 13 years to stop him but you did it. YOU did it. You should feel so proud of yourself.
It wasnít your fault when the other, abused and raped you. You were still only a child. REMEMBER THAT. One day you WILL cry for her and believe in her again.
You had four beautiful children. You always made sure they were safe when visiting him. In between the bad times you were a good mum. As good a mum as you could be at the time. It wasnít your fault you were so angry. You had every right to be. Stop beating yourself up about that period in you life. IT WASNíT YOUR FAULT - believe it.
You were so brave to go and ask for help and tell that you were hurting your kids. SO BRAVE.
Finally you found out where the anger was coming from and you opened up. You confronted him and then your family. You moved fast and tried to make amends. It was amazing you stayed sane but you did. I applaud you for that.
Then again you were drawn back in, but again you reached out for help, even though it was at a distance. You knew what you needed and had the courage to ask. Big hugs.
Yesterday you took a huge step and went to see a counsellor. Even though you were shaking inside you did what was needed and achieved. Now you can continue to heal and hopefully one day accept what should never have belonged to you in the first place.
One day you and I will be reunited and then we will rejoice, but until then kia kaha.
the other me
Posted 15 April 2009 - 06:44 AM
Believe yourself. Try to stop denying what happened to you, and minimising it so that you can pretend everything is ok. The things that happened did happen, and it's ok for you to feel the hurt. Your hurt is real. Try to hear me when I tell you that the things happened because the people that hurt you made very bad choices, NOT because you deserved it or didn't do enough to stop it. You didn't do anything wrong when you couldn't shout out or fight them off because you were so afraid. You are not doing anything wrong now that you find it so hard to let yourself feel angry or sad because I know you are terrified of feeling those things. You are beautiful and lovable and you are not alone. Try to listen to your body and try to allow yourself to feel. You won't be destroyed by your feelings. I know they feel completely terrifying, and that it's very hard for you to allow yourself to feel but know that you can do this, that you can heal. You are brave, strong and flexible. You can do this.
Posted 21 March 2010 - 01:36 PM
I'm so sorry for what happened. You never deserved any of it and I wish you would acknowledge this. You were so young and you had to deal with far too much for your age. It's okay to be hurt and grieve the loss of your childhood, because no child should have had to go through any of that.
I am so very proud of you. Proud that you have made it this far, that despite all the pain you have persevered even when you felt like giving up. I know that even now you still think low of yourself, but you have every reason out there to be proud of the person that you are and love yourself for it.
We all have our flaws, but you are a beautiful person. You care about others, and though this may not always come across to others, it's who you are. You've simply been hurt too much to allow others close to you and you are the last person to be at fault for this. Your strength and determination shines through at the moments it's needed the most and you're not afraid to do what you feel is right. You are loving, and you show people this. People do love you, your friends love you, the sweet caring man beside you loves you, and most importantly, your mother loves you. A love that no one can take away, and I want you to know this.
What happened to you wasn't your fault. You were young, damaged and you wanted to feel loved. It was never your fault. He took advantage of you at your weakest and what he did was rape. He violated you in the worst way anyone could and you loving him never made it okay. You said no, and you did fight. It would be wrong to expect anything more out of a young teen. You did the best you could and it's over now. He's not in your life anymore and it's in the past. Forgive yourself for what happened, darling, because none of it was ever your fault.
You never asked for it to happen, no one does.
I'm so proud of you. For what you've made of yourself and how much you've endured.
You deserve to be happy.