Jump to content


Welcome to After Silence - A message board and chat room for rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivors.

Welcome to After Silence, a message board and chat room designed to help survivors communicate in the recovery of rape, sexual abuse, sexual assault, and all types of sexual violence.

After Silence has over 30 different forums, ranging from topics created to discuss specific areas of healing and recovery from rape and sexual violence, as well as forums open to general discussions and lighter topics. Because we value the privacy of our members, most of our forums are private, which means that ONLY REGISTERED members have access to them. Please register for a free account to gain full access to the After Silence Online Support Group.

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us at aftersilence.moderators@gmail.com
Guest Message by DevFuse
 

Photo

Negativity On The Boards


  • Please log in to reply
22 replies to this topic

#1 -fuerza-

-fuerza-

    it's been a wild ride, I wouldn't change a minute.

  • Member
  • 419 posts

Posted 18 May 2007 - 09:46 AM

in saying this, i'm not attempting to point fingers or lay blame at anyone in particular, just generally and genuinely ask how a resolution or some improvement can be made.

so...



i'm really getting frustrated and overwhelmed with all the negativity and attacking that's been going on lately. i understand that as survivors, we go through phases and times when we are more sensitive to one thing or another, and certain things being said may strike a chord more so than perhaps they did before. i won't try to take that right away from anyone, as everyone is entitled to their feelings and opinions, always.

however, i'm wondering if there are better ways in which we can channel this negative/angry/threatened energy into something more healing and positive, instead of lashing out at one another, the mods, or ourselves. you may say, "You don't have to read those threads, it's your choice," and you are right. but, it's very hard to ignore the same negative threads being bumped up over and over again, particularly when you (general you) are not looking for a fight, but rather healing and support.

i'd like to put these question out into the AS universe:

what purpose are my words serving? what effect will they have on others? where are these thoughts and comments coming from? how would i feel if they were said to me, in the same way, in the same circumstance?


just thoughts. thanks for reading. smile.gif


peace and strength
<3

#2 marieoffrankenstien

marieoffrankenstien
  • Member
  • 60 posts

Posted 18 May 2007 - 09:50 AM

if your refering to what i think your refering to i think everything was taken out of context


#3 -fuerza-

-fuerza-

    it's been a wild ride, I wouldn't change a minute.

  • Member
  • 419 posts

Posted 18 May 2007 - 09:57 AM

i am not referring to anything in particular. there have been things going on for weeks now. as i said, this is a general and open statement. i would rather not use this thread to debate any other situations further.

thanks.

#4 dodo

dodo

    before the end

  • Contributing Member
  • 17,378 posts

Posted 18 May 2007 - 10:05 AM

My grandmother used to say to me

If you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all - I think that is taking it a little too far - but there are ways of being constructive rather than destructive. There will be posts that will rattle some and you may want to reply in a negative way - but I think that rarely helps - reply in a constructive way to something you don't agree with and not only might it help the poster re-think or re-examine what they have said - it may well help you too. If a post bothers you I think the first thing to do is to examine why. Take some time out to try and see both sides before replying. Personally I find a huge ammount of learning about myself when I read a post I don't agree with - I may still disagree but taking that time means that you do not reply harshly - and of course you always have the option not to reply at all.

karen



#5 -fuerza-

-fuerza-

    it's been a wild ride, I wouldn't change a minute.

  • Member
  • 419 posts

Posted 18 May 2007 - 10:53 AM

thank you so much karen!

you are a breath of fresh air smile.gif

i very much agree with what you -and your grandmother- said. looking inward, before lashing outward, often saves everyone (ourselves included) a lot of time and hurt and wasted energy.

thank you for sharing it with everyone.

<3

Edited by -fuerza-, 18 May 2007 - 11:55 AM.


#6 AmyLyn

AmyLyn

    free at last

  • Banned
  • 0 posts

Posted 18 May 2007 - 02:01 PM

Thank you for posting this. I have noticed this too.

Just my opinion...but I think that maybe survivors often have a lot of anger/hurt/etc inside and I know when I'm having intense feelings things that normally wouldn't bother me so much do. I am not saying that is an excuse for personally attacking someone or whatever else negative...It's just something I know may be true for me at least. I have learned just not to reply to a post that upsets me anymore. It does way more harm than good for me...and everyone else.

And also I am of the opinion that there is always a nice and respectful way to say you disagree with something or feel hurt by what someone has said.

I know I may have been hurtful before...and for that, I apologize. Normally this board is not like this, I think it's been kind of rough lately because of some of the issues being addressed in recent weeks. This is the first time since I have been here that it has gotten so heated.

tealribbon.gif

I hope I didn't upset anyone posting this...

#7 marieoffrankenstien

marieoffrankenstien
  • Member
  • 60 posts

Posted 18 May 2007 - 03:01 PM


i'm sorry, i missunderstood.

i only meant that i had just read a post that just started out as a question, and just led to a missunderstanding, between a surviviour and a secondary surviviour. i can imagine it would happen a lot. and i'm not advocating there negative behaviour. really i'm just saying that when i read the arguement i could see how both of them felt.

i'm not trying to open this for debate either, i'm just saying it was taking of context and still i can see myself in both positions. it didn't look like it was eithier one of them to handle.

i think you were just saying that a lot negative behaviour that you have been seeing has been counterproductive. right?



#8 marieoffrankenstien

marieoffrankenstien
  • Member
  • 60 posts

Posted 18 May 2007 - 03:04 PM

i also meant that when i talk i also contribute a lot of negativity, but i try not to.

#9 determined 1

determined 1

    determined 1

  • Member
  • 3,896 posts

Posted 18 May 2007 - 07:19 PM

My husband tells me sometimes, that I take everthing too sensitively, and that I am quick to fight, rather than try to work things out and give others the benefit of a doubt.

I (unawares) , am so scared of being duped by another that I am hypersensitive to certain things. I can be very loving, but at the second that I feel backed into a corner,I become enraged to the point of oblivion, and at times have hurt myself physically, IE punching things, becoming very aggressive and protective.
I'm getting better w/ age ,but still no end in sight.
Blessings!

#10 ToLiveAgain

ToLiveAgain
  • Member
  • 581 posts

Posted 18 May 2007 - 10:08 PM

When I feel moved by a post in a direction that is not positive, I close the post and come back to it later. If it still moves me in the same negative direction, I formulate a response in a word document, save it and close it and come back to it later. I then reread the original post and my response in word. If my response comes out "right" without any harm being done to anyone, I post it. If not, I edit it or just delete it and decide not to respond after all, as my response might actually be more harmful than the original post.

I know this takes a tremendous amount of effort, but too often in this virtual world where inflection and body image is lacking, a hasty response does nothing but incite more anger and invite more negative responses.

I guess it comes down to... how are you making others feel by what you are posting?

My favorite quote of all time really sums it all up for me:

"People will forget what you say and what you do, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ~Maya Angelou~

#11 AmyLyn

AmyLyn

    free at last

  • Banned
  • 0 posts

Posted 18 May 2007 - 10:29 PM

QUOTE(ToLiveAgain @ May 18 2007, 09:08 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I guess it comes down to... how are you making others feel by what you are posting?

My favorite quote of all time really sums it all up for me:

"People will forget what you say and what you do, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ~Maya Angelou~

Thank you for bringing this up. I agree 150%

#12 Haullie

Haullie

    Resurrecting my soul...

  • Member
  • 4,753 posts

Posted 19 May 2007 - 01:48 AM

I don't believe I have ever openly stated how I have felt about the anger that has been directed towards people here at AS but I will say this...it has become quite a problem and it's not a pointing fingers game at all but if you really think hard about it, it's a few people who no matter how many warnings or advice has been given, still feel that the rules do not apply to them. This thinking has caused a loop that affects everyone else and stirs up feelings of confusion and anger. I don't think certain members understand why rules are set on this board, but let us think about it for a minute...what a great feeling it is to feel protected...I really wish that certain individuals could feel the same way. Personally if these rules were not here things would in my opinion feel unstable and chaotic. I too struggle with the same issues and crisis' occassionally just like every other member...but I have taken heed to the advice the mods have given me and because of this I have found a way of navigating and using this board to my advatnage. If anything I have learned how to become a better thriver. For example, if I am having a sucidial thought...it serves no purpose for me to come on to the board and post about my crisis...but the mods have advised all of us to seek help elsewhere and have given a few examples of where to seek help and because of this I have and I have gotten the help I deserve...help that keeps me on the road to recovery.

I am very disappointed in the way things have been, only because it used to be a lot better and for some reason drama feeds on more drama and it's become something of a loop that needs to end. We have to start asking ourselves why we came here and why it is important to respect the views and opinions of others. It's not about silencing members when a mod makes a decision to close a thread, it's because mods knew exactly from the get go what this board was designed to do...help us speak out and heal. To seek out help and new support systems. They thought that as fellow survivors themselves that this would be easy to understand. I haven't always been a chat mod and I understand...and as I write this I am for the moment not speaking as a chat mod. Just a survivor and fellow friend.

As for being more respectful which is what this whole topic is about...here are my ideas in a list form so it's easier to see how I feel...

1.) Be respectful, we all heal differently and if you don't like someone's opinion, that is okay...debating is not about arguing, it's about giving two sides of an opinion without attacking the other person's views. Not that I think debating is healthy in this forum, it will eventually happen and if we can learn to do it respectfully than it will only make us better people for it.

2.) rules and guidelines are not up for discussion and attacking any mod for just trying to protect the entire board is very rude and only causes more drama. There's probably not a single person on here with an exception of a few who agrees with everything...but for something you don't agree with someone else will and it's about honoring what others need and deserve as well.

3.) Try to understand that everyone else on thos board just like you has a life outside of AS. We have husbands, jobs, we go to school, take weekend vacations...bla bla bla...that's what life should be all about...so if someone isn't "there for you"....give them a break, cause it really does come back to the golden rule to treat others as you would want to be treated.

4.) When in chat room, please show the same respect as you would in a post when leaving a trigger warning. When you're about to bring up a subject that might be too graphic or triggering, follow your inner instinct and ask permission if it is okay to talk about a certain topic. There's nothing wrong with asking.

5.) People who strom out of the chat room or forum because they get upset about the mention of a certain word, topic or are just too stubborn to ask a simple question is just rude and confusing to other members who in the aftermath feel like they did something wrong to that person when in fact they are just being themselves. I honestly think that is just a person's way of getting attention and let's face it, that's something we never talk about for fear of offending someone but it's something we should talk about. Seeking attention is not healthy. Why do people do it? Do they think we don't notice? Do you think they don't realize what they are doing? Well they do, and I think people are VERY aware when they do it and it's selfish. I am not trying to sound mean or anything but it's just something that has to stop.

6.) Please, pretty pretty please when in the chat room or forum posting about an issue, don't post things that will make us believe your story is something different than what it really is. Oftentimes people will say things like "My baby just died, I don't know how to cope." and then 4 hours later FINALLY mention the fact that it's an animal and not a real baby...that is confusing to everyone and it puts us in a position where we don't know how to trust anything that person will say next.

anyway I'm sure I could think of a longer list of ways to be more respectful but this is a start. I am going to ask though that if you do respond to this post that you do it with respect and maturity as this is everyone's first step and I am entitled to how I feel because what I see is what I see. I agree that there is a lot about people's behaviors that needs to change for the better and it's high time people stop blaming the entire board or it's mods for the actions of others because respect is golden and trust here is not given away, it is earned.

I care deeply for all of you and I hope that you will take heed to what I have said. I usually don't poke my nose in public threads like these, but even I have a breaking point from
time to time. I feel like it's because I have so much love for this board and all of it's members that I am now finally speaking out about this.

Love always, Haullie

#13 Haullie

Haullie

    Resurrecting my soul...

  • Member
  • 4,753 posts

Posted 19 May 2007 - 02:00 AM

Here's some ways to cope with negativity should it arise between you or someone else...

1. Think before you speak, that always seems to help a great deal. You're in no rush to finish a post so proof read it for anything that you feel might offend someone. Cause it's not always our intention to offend.

2. If a post is bothering you emotionally but you still want to reply but fear that your sensitivety might get the better of your wording, feel free to come back to the post later when you have had time to think about what you would like to say and then reply.

3. If something someone has said upsets you or offends you, ask nicely why they said what they said. The only bad question is the one not asked...there's nothing wrong with asking...so long as you're not sarcastic or rude in your question. For example I think it's very rude when someone said "ummm......" right before asking a question...that just makes the person who started the post feel stupid. There are better ways of asking questions than to be sarcastic and nasty about it.

Love, Haullie

#14 sadeyes22

sadeyes22

    Friendship is a blessing that many people take for granted!

  • Contributing Member
  • 7,437 posts

Posted 19 May 2007 - 04:21 AM

Haullie,

I just wanted to say thank you for writting this I think it made alot of sense and I couldn't agree more with what you have said here. I have noticed all of the negativety going on and it has been quite discouraging. I hope that we can all find a way to be at peace with eachother. Thanks for all the great advice you have given on how to handle different situations....... I hope you have a wonderful weekend smile.gif


hug.gif

Sad

#15 Haullie

Haullie

    Resurrecting my soul...

  • Member
  • 4,753 posts

Posted 19 May 2007 - 04:27 AM

Awww Sad you are just too sweet, thank you for understanding. I know it's hard to see everyone's point of views,...but that's why we have to work together to understand the reasons for our safety and to respect each other first and foremost and I really do see great things happening for this board. A really great turn around is near for all of us and it's not that we should see it all as just an improvement but rather a chance to develope and grow as thrivers.

Love always, Haullie bighug.gif