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first time here
Posted 24 October 2003 - 07:13 PM
when I was 14 my uncle pushed me down on the bed and stuck his tongue in my mouth. when I was 15 I went out on a date with someone from my high school and I think he raped me, but there was no violence, I just said no and pushed him, but he didn't stop. when I was 20 the same thing happened in my dorm room. when I was 21 I had some people over to my house, was drinking/smoking pot and decided to go up to my room, the kid I invited over came into my room, I was laying on my stomach and pretended to be asleep because I didn't want to kiss him and I thought he was going to try to kiss me. he took my pants off and had sex with me, then left, and I pretended to be asleep the whole time. I had a boyfriend that was really abusive and I remember him having sex with me a lot and just crying the whole time.
I finally told my husband about the time I was 15 and the time I was 21. he's mad at me and wants to know why I didn't fight and why I didn't call the cops. he just called home and asked if there was "anything else he needed to know". I am so angry and tired and sad, I told him on Wednesday night and haven't really slept since. anyways, any advice would be helpful. I guess I'm just trying to validate that those things don't happen to everyone and that I was sexually abused. I also am slightly scared because I have no memory of my childhood, my memories start around the time my uncle kissed me. I used to cut and burn myself a lot and haven't for years, today I pinched myself and I'm scared I'm going to start hurting myself again. AGAIN, so sorry this is so long.
Posted 24 October 2003 - 07:33 PM
Welcome to our little group, truly sorry that you have a reason to be here, but so glad that you found us.
In regards to your question, yes, you should definately be here.
Your Uncle, HAD no right to do what he did.
All the other incidents, they had no right to do what they did, You said NO, and that is enough, No means NO.
In some cases, you blank things for years, perhaps something triggered you, or it felt safe to tell your husband, whatever the reason, it felt the right time, for you to tell your husband.
Your husband will react this way, due to the shock, anger and because he Loves you.
give him time, to absorb what you told him, but also tell him, you need his support and love, to get you through your healing.
Talk to someone, find a counsellor for your healing, but also find a counsellor for both you and your husband, as you both need help to work things out together.
Keep osting, to vent anything, the members here are all so supportive.
Posted 24 October 2003 - 11:24 PM
In regards to your husband I can say from experience that it is difficult to grasp the concept of "giving up", but in time he'll come to understand that fear and the will to live eventually overpower even the strongest willed people (man or woman). Also, your past may come into play as it often does for victims of repeated abuse. If you are blocking past experiences because of an unrealized trauma (s) then perhaps (like most people) you are less likely to put yourself in another life threatening position. In other words, those who have fought back in their past only to find themselves getting beaten even harder learn to give up sooner because they fear for their lives.
There is no doubt that no means NO....any decent man would stop if told no regardless of how far along things have already progressed.
my wife had trouble admitting she was raped as well and would try to downplay the events because she would rather believe it was her fault then admitt someone took something from her by force....anyway, I hope some of this helps you in some way.
Posted 26 October 2003 - 08:38 PM
NO means NO.....There are no exceptions!
Sex Without your consent is rape.
If you don't or can't give your conset is rape.
I wish I could tell you that you don't have a reason to be here....I wish no one had a reason to be here but I'm glad you have found us... We are here for you anytime.
((((( Hugs )))))))
Posted 27 October 2003 - 03:13 AM
Hi, sweetheart. I'm so sorry you've been through all of that. I haven't read the others' replies, so I'll likely be repeating things, but yes, what happened to you was rape and abuse. Your uncle had no right to do that to anyone, let alone his 14-year-old niece. As for all of the other occasions, you said no, and that should've been respected. No always means no...and as for the abusive boyfriend, crying means no, too. Any man can figure out that if a woman is crying, she doesn't want it.
I'm sorry your husband is reacting the way that he is. It's sometimes hard for others to understand why we didn't fight, but in time, I think he will come to understand. One thing that could be helpful is a page put together by a personal survivor friend of mine, Laney, and her husband, Dave. It's for secondaries and is written almost entirely by Dave, though there are some of Laney's words as well. I know it's been helpful to a lot of other secondaries, particularly partners. Anyway, it's http://www.journeyto...neytogether.htm.
Take gentle care of yourself, sweetheart. I hope you'll feel welcome here and know that we will all support you through this.
Posted 27 October 2003 - 02:25 PM
As everybody else has already said, no DOES mean no. Regardless of what anybody says.
Feel free to post at any time, the group really are supportive.