Welcome to After Silence - A message board and chat room for rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivors.
|Welcome to After Silence, a message board and chat room designed to help survivors communicate in the recovery of rape, sexual abuse, sexual assault, and all types of sexual violence.
After Silence has over 30 different forums, ranging from topics created to discuss specific areas of healing and recovery from rape and sexual violence, as well as forums open to general discussions and lighter topics. Because we value the privacy of our members, most of our forums are private, which means that ONLY REGISTERED members have access to them. Please register for a free account to gain full access to the After Silence Online Support Group.
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Hi I'm New Here
Posted 16 June 2004 - 07:53 AM
I feel so alone right now,i'm thinking about suicide but most of all theres this great black hole swallowing me up and fast!
I was raped over a year ago which i didnt report but instead slunk back to my anorexia/bulimia and took it out on myself.
Then last week i let my friend in for a coffee and again i found myself lying on the floor and too scared to even fight back.I was wearing my nightie,maybe i was giving the wrong signals.
When it was over and my hubbie came back we got the police and now after hours of questioning and medicals etc its his word against mine.Its my fault,the medical was too late.They found bruisingetc but it doesnt make a damn bit of difference.I just dont want to be here anymore,he's walking about fine and dandy while im just too damn scared to even answer the phone.I'm such a f****** mess, i dont know what to do.Its all wrong,this kind of thing just isnt meant to happen!!!And who's gonna believe me anyway!!this is a real small village,people love to gossip round here.
Posted 16 June 2004 - 08:38 AM
Posted 16 June 2004 - 01:47 PM
I agree with Ihavemadeit saying you need to feel safe right now... I know it's so hard to feel safe at times like this. Please know that we are here to talk to any time. Suicide is never the answer. I wish there was something I could do or say to make it all better for you. Know in time that it will get better. I know it's hard to imagine with all of the emotions you are going through right now... but it will get better. I hate the entire 'your word against theirs'... it sickens me to no end. I am glad you and your hubbie got the cops involved... even if things don't turn out on your side at least maybe it will give this person second thoughts about doing it again to someone else... I'm so sorry it happened to you.
As far as giving the wrong signals, it was not you. It's a damn shame that women can't go/wear/act how they want without being worried about giving wrong/mixed signals! We should never have to fear for our safety... but we do. It's horrible how others can violate us so easily without even giving a second thought as to how it will effect our lives.
Please know that we are here for you. If you ever need to talk please feel free to PM or email me any time. You are not alone here.
Please take precious care of yourself.
Posted 16 June 2004 - 06:00 PM
Please continue to post (((Hugs)))
Posted 16 June 2004 - 10:44 PM
i'm so sorry this happened to you. You are not messed up, and i believe you. What happened to you is a horrible thing and whatever you were wearing wouldn't have made a difference in the presence of the horrible person who did this to you. You did the right thing by contacting the police, that was very brave.
I understand how sad you are and i'm here to support you,
Please e-mail me if you feel like it.
PS: You are so lucky to have your husband on your side.
Posted 17 June 2004 - 12:31 AM
Posted 17 June 2004 - 05:16 AM
Im feeling really tearful right now,i was so touched by all your kind responses.Thankyou so much.
Im seeing a rape counsellor today.She sounded really nice on the phone.I tpld her i felt so pressurised and bullied by the police.She seemed to think this was often the case.I just feel i went through all that.........statements(hours of!!!),medical,photos..............just everything and its all been a waste of time.I dont want to be in this house anymore.........it feels so contaminated and no amount of cleaning can get rid of it.Do any you guys relate to this?
Posted 17 June 2004 - 02:38 PM
just to let you know i'm thinking of you
we're all here if you need anything
Posted 17 June 2004 - 04:34 PM
I hope u find healing here with the help of these great ppl.....
Posted 17 June 2004 - 07:53 PM
I'm really sorry thats happened to you...I can't imagine going through it again, and my heart really goes out to you.
Please find some support here, everyone is on your side
Posted 17 June 2004 - 11:47 PM
That is really horrible and it makes me angry that people would believe HIM over you. Why would anyone LIE about that. It's horrible! He should be punished. I'm here to support you if you need anything ok? My email is firstname.lastname@example.org if you need to vent or anything.
Please hang around. Talk with us because this place is very essential at times. Support and a safe place to get all those justified emotions out.. Okay?
Stay strong darling. I send much love to you and I wish you well. <3
Posted 18 June 2004 - 09:19 AM
Well i went to see my doctor today and she just made me feel like a nuisance and now im so ANGRY!!!!!! Maybe shes just not trained up on this kind of thing but it upset me anyways.
After that my hubbie took me away for a couple of hours.Im ok if im out with him or my kids but i just cant do it on my own.I start shaking and feeling really sick.I really want to move house,i feel it would help.Did i tell you i saw a rape counsellor yesterday?She was really nice and i feel in time i'll be able to talk to her more intimately.Shes coming every week for now and when im feeling really bad and cant sleep she said the samaritans are good,someone to talk to.My heads all over the place right now.I've been feeling really angry and irritable today,i just want to tear my skin off i feel so contaminated.Jan(the counsellor)said taking a bath with maybe a capful of dettol might make me feel better,i think its the smell,i was all for filling the bath with bleach but i could end up in hospital with really bad pain so i was convinced not to go there.
I hope you guys are ok
Posted 20 June 2004 - 03:54 PM
I am glad you are seeing a rape counselor. She sounds like a good one. As far as your doc goes it sounds like she isn't prepared/trained to handle these types of cases. It is something she really should take a sensitivity course/seminar on. All doctors should be required to - my opinion though
Posted 01 July 2004 - 01:40 PM
I know I'm new here, and I hope you don't mind me replying to your post. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I know how awful it is, I've had close to the same thing happen more than once.
In your email you wrote that you were wearing a nightie and possibly giving the wrong signals. Regaurdless of what you were wearing, he had no right to do what he did. I'm just saying this because I know how easy it is to blame ourselves and to come up with every excuse as to why it's our fault. But it's not. It wasn't your fault. I just really wanted to say that to you. (((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
I admire your strength and courage to report it. And i'll keep you in my prayers/thoughts (if that's ok) that all works out for you.
Right now just try to take it slow, ya know? I kow everything must be like a whirlwind. it's good that you are going to see a counsellor.
You also mentioned that your house felt very contaminated and you just can't get rid of that feeling? Just a suggestion- maybe burn some White Sage (or regular Sage) and try to invision your home in a white and pink light/bubble... maybe that will clear away some of the negative energy that is still floating about.... Just a suggestion.
My heart goes out to you. You can email me if you need to talk. I hope it was ok that I wrote this email, I hope you don't mind me replying.
Posted 02 July 2004 - 11:48 AM
I'm so sorry for your experience. Please take solace in the fact that your not alone and we're here for you.