or how about this:
the you think you have it bads:
- starving people in developing countries
- so and so's daughter has cancer.
~ dreamer
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Guest Message by DevFuse
Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!
Started by
Vera
, Jan 12 2004 05:10 PM
759 replies to this topic
#32
dereliktdauter
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- New Member
- 112 posts
warrior
Posted 04 April 2004 - 06:46 PM
i can only really think of one that comes to mind...
when i first started therapy i had no memories of my father's abuse, but was having nightmares of the abuse and was having panick attacks all the time especially in certain areas of the house where i grew up. i was telling my therapist of the nightmares and that i was almost positive that i had been sexually abused by my father for lots and lots of reasons. i just nad no visual memories (just memories of fear and shame when i was little when it was happening). she said that because i didn't have any memories of the abuse, that it probably didn't happen. she said that i probably was using it as a justification of my hatred towards my father for being so mentally and physically abusive to me and my mom. i didn't really believe her, but i tried to cuz it was easier than talking about how i had felt.
three and a half years and a few different therapists later, i was sitting in class and i was hit with a memory out of nowhere, this time it was visual. what i had felt and known all along was validated. i went to therapy the next day and didn't say anything. partially because i had pushed it to the back of my mind, partly because i was afraid. about 5 days later, i told my best friend and my sponsor (like a mentor...i'm a recovering addict), and for the first time that part of my life was validated. i can't explain how incredible that felt. the next tuesday, i went to therapy and was shaking. i was going to tell her, but i didn't know how. i was so afraid that she'd think i made it up too. i was shaking. terrifyed. i knew in my head that she would be awesome and understanding, but my past experience rendered me terrifyed. i went in there shaking, and told her, and it was amazing being able to start working through it with her. yay.
ok that was a really really really long reply. sorry abouts that. it did feel good tho to get that out.
and i just want to add that people definitely don't get it sometimes. we just can't let them get to us.
when i first started therapy i had no memories of my father's abuse, but was having nightmares of the abuse and was having panick attacks all the time especially in certain areas of the house where i grew up. i was telling my therapist of the nightmares and that i was almost positive that i had been sexually abused by my father for lots and lots of reasons. i just nad no visual memories (just memories of fear and shame when i was little when it was happening). she said that because i didn't have any memories of the abuse, that it probably didn't happen. she said that i probably was using it as a justification of my hatred towards my father for being so mentally and physically abusive to me and my mom. i didn't really believe her, but i tried to cuz it was easier than talking about how i had felt.
three and a half years and a few different therapists later, i was sitting in class and i was hit with a memory out of nowhere, this time it was visual. what i had felt and known all along was validated. i went to therapy the next day and didn't say anything. partially because i had pushed it to the back of my mind, partly because i was afraid. about 5 days later, i told my best friend and my sponsor (like a mentor...i'm a recovering addict), and for the first time that part of my life was validated. i can't explain how incredible that felt. the next tuesday, i went to therapy and was shaking. i was going to tell her, but i didn't know how. i was so afraid that she'd think i made it up too. i was shaking. terrifyed. i knew in my head that she would be awesome and understanding, but my past experience rendered me terrifyed. i went in there shaking, and told her, and it was amazing being able to start working through it with her. yay.
ok that was a really really really long reply. sorry abouts that. it did feel good tho to get that out.
and i just want to add that people definitely don't get it sometimes. we just can't let them get to us.
#33
Caierlan
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- Member
- 32 posts
Posted 07 April 2004 - 10:54 PM
Ugh, I've heard soo many things over the years (makes me wonder why I even say anything to non-survivors...)
My best friend who has helped me through soo much still uses the word r*pe in appropriately. Like "that exam seriously ****ed me" There's something about that word, like a verbal punch everytime I hear it.
"you were really cute then, and you did kinda look like a woman" said by a now-ex friend. I was 7 years old, you freak!
"you were soo stupid for thinking they actually needed a 7 year old's help" Hello, the key words there would be 7 year old Dumb*ss, do you think a 7 year old realizes that adults shouldn't need her help?!?
and the grand prize goes to... " maybe your mom didn't realize anything happened" said after I explained that my mom saw the very large hand and finger shaped bruises on the insides of my thighs.
Wow, thanks for making this thread, that felt good to rant.
My best friend who has helped me through soo much still uses the word r*pe in appropriately. Like "that exam seriously ****ed me" There's something about that word, like a verbal punch everytime I hear it.
"you were really cute then, and you did kinda look like a woman" said by a now-ex friend. I was 7 years old, you freak!
"you were soo stupid for thinking they actually needed a 7 year old's help" Hello, the key words there would be 7 year old Dumb*ss, do you think a 7 year old realizes that adults shouldn't need her help?!?
and the grand prize goes to... " maybe your mom didn't realize anything happened" said after I explained that my mom saw the very large hand and finger shaped bruises on the insides of my thighs.
Wow, thanks for making this thread, that felt good to rant.
#34
nickster
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- Member
- 26 posts
Posted 09 April 2004 - 05:20 PM
ive had sooo many comments like these in the past too many to list but aren't there soo many ignorant insensitive unfeeling totally sh**ty a*sh*l*s out there?
I said to a friend once i hope it happens to you!
I said to a friend once i hope it happens to you!
#35
Guest_Dreamer_*
Guest_Dreamer_*
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- Guests
Posted 09 April 2004 - 10:31 PM
Caierlan,
I never even heard the expression, "that exam seriously r*ped me". That's awful. I'd be mad at any friend who'd use an expression like that in my presence. All of the ones that are written, are crazy stupid, "you kind of looked like a woman?"
No shortage of insensitivity sometimes.
Dreamer
I never even heard the expression, "that exam seriously r*ped me". That's awful. I'd be mad at any friend who'd use an expression like that in my presence. All of the ones that are written, are crazy stupid, "you kind of looked like a woman?"
No shortage of insensitivity sometimes.
Dreamer
#36
Caierlan
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- Member
- 32 posts
Posted 10 April 2004 - 12:02 PM
The sad thing is, I hear a lot of teenagers and college students around here using the word soo inappropriately. Using it to describe unpleasant happenings or doing badly at school or sports. I've also heard younger girls yelling r*pe playfully when they're out with their friends at the mall. It's soo sick sometimes. I dunno maybe it's a local thing, but it still bothers me. I yelled at my friend about it a few weeks ago, he hasn't said it around me since.
I can *almost* understand my ex-friend's comment because my mother would dress me up to look much older. I've since ripped up most of the pictures from that age because it disturbed me soo much to look at them.
I can *almost* understand my ex-friend's comment because my mother would dress me up to look much older. I've since ripped up most of the pictures from that age because it disturbed me soo much to look at them.
#37
aquapit
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- Member
- 1,394 posts
~Beauty is all around~
Posted 14 April 2004 - 11:42 PM
This came from my mom...these are her words...I know she loves me, and never ment to hurt me...but these words hurt pretty bad...maybe I'm being over sensitive. Anyways...all I could say back was, "I know, it's ok mom"........but it wasn't ok.
"tracy I don't want to be afraid to say thing to you, Please don't make me feel like I have to worry about everything that comes out of my mouth. I don't ever mean to hurt you."
"tracy I don't want to be afraid to say thing to you, Please don't make me feel like I have to worry about everything that comes out of my mouth. I don't ever mean to hurt you."
#38
Lindy
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- Administrator
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- 5,608 posts
Exhausted Beyond Belief
Posted 04 June 2004 - 08:16 AM
Two days ago while at work, I was talking to my co-workers about how great the new Tori DVD/CD is and this is my supervisor's reply:
"All of Tori Amos' songs are about her rape. She should just get over that shit already."
I said.."Rape is not something you just 'get over with'. "
Ignorant fucktard!
"All of Tori Amos' songs are about her rape. She should just get over that shit already."
I said.."Rape is not something you just 'get over with'. "
Ignorant fucktard!
#39
your.beautiful.mistake
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- Member
- 1,229 posts
beautiful.dreamer
Posted 04 June 2004 - 05:22 PM
"What did he to do to you? *insert crude sexual comentary here* Did you enjoy it?"
"So many people have had it so much worse...just get over it alredy."
"Oh, you were abused? That's nice *changes subject*..."
*sighs*
<3
Alex
"So many people have had it so much worse...just get over it alredy."
"Oh, you were abused? That's nice *changes subject*..."
*sighs*
<3
Alex
#40
broken
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- Member
- 82 posts
Posted 05 June 2004 - 05:23 AM
nice thread...Good to know I'm not the only one who runs into insensitive fuckheads...
"Did he ejaculate inside you?" Did he ...the list goes on?"...Does it really matter if he(fill in blank) I hurt inside and I'm humiliated every time you ask these horrible questions.
Get over it is a common on for me as well
When at the hospital after last time I was r*ped...at first everyone was kind until they found out I had done drugs that night then it was suddenly unimportant that it happened. I was a loser, a stoner who cares.
My mom after last r*pe...She cries, yells, screams, you don't ever tell me anything. I just wanted her to hold me and say it was going to be ok. She refused to hug me even. She was mad I didn't go running to her right after it happened. Why would I if you make me feel worse. She did apologize later and has helped me though some things.
"you had sex with him before why was this time any different?"
"at least you got some."
"Did he ejaculate inside you?" Did he ...the list goes on?"...Does it really matter if he(fill in blank) I hurt inside and I'm humiliated every time you ask these horrible questions.
Get over it is a common on for me as well
When at the hospital after last time I was r*ped...at first everyone was kind until they found out I had done drugs that night then it was suddenly unimportant that it happened. I was a loser, a stoner who cares.
My mom after last r*pe...She cries, yells, screams, you don't ever tell me anything. I just wanted her to hold me and say it was going to be ok. She refused to hug me even. She was mad I didn't go running to her right after it happened. Why would I if you make me feel worse. She did apologize later and has helped me though some things.
"you had sex with him before why was this time any different?"
"at least you got some."
#41
broken
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- Member
- 82 posts
Posted 05 June 2004 - 05:27 AM
oops I forgot one
after telling someone a piece of my story...I get the pitiful stare...I shrink a little inside...then comes the horribly awkward silence
after telling someone a piece of my story...I get the pitiful stare...I shrink a little inside...then comes the horribly awkward silence
#42
eskiers
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- New Member
- 60 posts
Posted 06 June 2004 - 01:02 PM
nice thread. hmm lets see
"Are you sure he just wasnt curious, i mean my brother showed me his winky when he was little" ~mom yes well did he proceed to make you touch him and then touch you.. oh and can you really be "curious" at 16 really.
"dont tell anyone itll ruin our family"~mom oh.. ok that helps so now im the dirty family secret. kthx
my friend is always trying to put his hand on my shoulder and i always freak out and back away and several times hes said "jeez whats wrong your brothers touch you when you were little" yes.. well as a matter of fact...
"shes fully capable of getting a boyfriend, she just needs to stop being so sad or shell be alone forever" well ya know what if we could all just be happy all the time i think we would.
people say some stupid stuff sometimes.
"Are you sure he just wasnt curious, i mean my brother showed me his winky when he was little" ~mom yes well did he proceed to make you touch him and then touch you.. oh and can you really be "curious" at 16 really.
"dont tell anyone itll ruin our family"~mom oh.. ok that helps so now im the dirty family secret. kthx
my friend is always trying to put his hand on my shoulder and i always freak out and back away and several times hes said "jeez whats wrong your brothers touch you when you were little" yes.. well as a matter of fact...
"shes fully capable of getting a boyfriend, she just needs to stop being so sad or shell be alone forever" well ya know what if we could all just be happy all the time i think we would.
people say some stupid stuff sometimes.
#43
VelveteenThorn
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- Member
- 123 posts
Sapphire Dreamer
Posted 07 June 2004 - 03:12 PM
-Get over it already.. it happened almost a year ago.
This one from a friend of mine who's in a band. They asked me to be their photographer so Im at all of their shows (he knows about my r*pe)
-Yea so we're gonna cover Nirvana's "Rape Me"
I said "Ugg... I love Nirvana and everything but.. erm that song really upsets me. I know it bothers a lot of people... you know because of the subject matter.
-He laughs and says -Eh well we're doing it anyway.
-Youre over exaggerating
-Its no big deal
-Lets talk about something happier.
AND THE WORSE...
-YOU WERE ASKING FOR IT. ITS YOUR FAULT TOO.
This one from a friend of mine who's in a band. They asked me to be their photographer so Im at all of their shows (he knows about my r*pe)
-Yea so we're gonna cover Nirvana's "Rape Me"
I said "Ugg... I love Nirvana and everything but.. erm that song really upsets me. I know it bothers a lot of people... you know because of the subject matter.
-He laughs and says -Eh well we're doing it anyway.
-Youre over exaggerating
-Its no big deal
-Lets talk about something happier.
AND THE WORSE...
-YOU WERE ASKING FOR IT. ITS YOUR FAULT TOO.
#44
dereliktdauter
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- New Member
- 112 posts
warrior
Posted 13 June 2004 - 06:34 PM
my best friend keeps saying stuff like "he m*lested me!" in a jokin manner talkin about this guy who's very huggy and what not. its one thing to talk about feeling uncomfortable around the guy, its another thing to use that word in that context. i keep wanting to tell her that she doesn't know what its like, but my voice gets stuck everytime i try. its just like when people say "thats so gay" to talk about things that are boring or pointless. 
its just like when people say "thats so gay" to talk about things that are boring or pointless.
#45
Survivors sanctuary
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- Contributing Member
- 7,086 posts
We were beset by conflicts without and by fears within
Posted 13 June 2004 - 07:40 PM
Yeah I haven't had a direct one to me but my uncle while talking to some family members about a cousin who hadn't been in touch cos of a miscarriage said about "Its been a year she should be over it by now, depression is just an excuse for being lazy."........She had PTS, the miscarriage had been real bad, and I had called it cause and effect...She had a different cause but we basically had the same effect ...well I lost it,shouting the place down, I do remember that I was so angered by the lack of understanding( even though the Doctor had said it may take years) but to make matters worse he was talking about it when she could not defend herself, but to her face was saying there was no problem, take as long as you need... Thank god Mum was there , although she didn't hear what was said she was the one person who could calm me down .... And like the doctor said years (10) later my cousin finally had the strength to come to a family party ( My great aunts 80th..And my great aunt danced everybody off the dance floor ) I have just thought..The incident happened at the same aunts 50th wedding do....... wow that I have only just realized ...Hummmm weird or what..... But I would have do the same thing over again .. if we can't stick up for each other what can we do ...................
