Welcome to After Silence - A message board and chat room for rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivors.
|Welcome to After Silence, a message board and chat room designed to help survivors communicate in the recovery of rape, sexual abuse, sexual assault, and all types of sexual violence.
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Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!
Posted 28 April 2006 - 05:14 AM
~~~~~more trigger spacing~~~~~~~~~~~
When I read these messages I find myself asking, "why do they think they want a relationship with these people???" I mean, these are your friends and family, who are supposed to love you!!! For crying out loud, you don't treat people you love like that, do you? Do you kick your family dog or kitten, too? I'd be willing to be they get treated better than those you are supposed to be showing your love to by criticizing, questioning, and disbelieving. This is not love, this is torture, abuse and accusations! Most would treat a common stranger on the street better than that. Maybe we're giving our familes the wrong messages? Maybe we should be asking them to treat us like strangers. Better yet, let's all ship them to an island somewehre in the North Atlantic where the climates are a little more appropriate for this kind of barren, unskilled and unnurturing atmosphere.
So, for each of you I want you to do this one thing for me. Look in the mirror this morning, put on your nicest smile and say, "Good morning, Meg. I'm glad to see you today." Then keep that smile handy and use it liberally throughout the day. It is my gift to you, to use it as you see fit. Watching a small child play with a brother or sister, or a young mother holding her baby closely, or an older woman searching the bottom of her purse for whatever it was that she wantd but she's forgotten it by now. For all those moments in our lives when we just know a smile would feel good right now. I'll be willing to bet the smile you get in return will be genuine. Those are the best kinds. One of the things I love about smiles... is one size fits all!
Happy Friday, everyone!!! I know of one person who's glad you have joined the forum. (gentle smile)
Posted 28 April 2006 - 05:38 AM
Sorry I am not doing any of this very well at the moment
Edited by dodo, 28 April 2006 - 05:39 AM.
Posted 28 April 2006 - 06:51 AM
a close friend of mine told me 2 days ago i was depressed because i wanted to be and should just and snap out of it . if only we could eh!
they are always saying you need to get out more ,you need to do something for yourself to take your mind off th SA and the RAPE .
IF only it were so easy to do none of us would be here writing this now eh!
sending all survivers take care x
Posted 05 May 2006 - 02:40 AM
I loved when my mom would tell me "You always did live in a Fantasy World" Oh yeah that was my ultimate fantasy to let my Brother have his way with me and then have the Sh#t beaten out of me when I tried to stop him.
Or when dear old Mom said " Your only bringing this up again to get attention"
" Don't ever tell the guy your datingor your husband because he'll think your
" The only way your going to heal is to forgive him then forget about it"
When she told me her therapist told her. That what happened to me was between my brother & me and that she didn't have anything to do with it. So I should leave her alone about it.
Like she wasn't our mother, she suppose to protect us. Weren't we just kids. Like she should have maybe payed a little more attention to us sometimes. Or maybe reacted diffrently when I did telll her.
People are unbelievable in their ignorance.
Posted 07 May 2006 - 05:41 PM
i've been told by a couple of people to put being raped out of my mind/get over it, and asked the ridiculous 'didnt you try to stop him' questions way too many times.
Posted 23 May 2006 - 03:35 PM
"Are you sure you weren't just dreaming this?"
"You're just doing this for attention" Yeah, mom, everyone loves to get this kind of attention.
"You feel sorry for yourself, that's all"
Later in life I confronted her again- after I was married and on my own. She said, "Well didn't he put you through private school?" I was like "Mom, if you think that gives him the right to try to have sex with me then you're crazier than I think you are"
"Did he brush against you on accident and you're trying to make it out as abuse" Ummm, no mom.
My stepmother-whose son is a molestor and whose father was a molestor also (didn't abuse her though)- "Well, things like this happen and perhaps it's time for you to move on"
Posted 01 June 2006 - 01:16 PM
I've had to many
all off mates includeing...
"If he'd touched me like that, I wouldn't have been botherd, its no big deal" after i told my friend after it happened that it wasnt just upper body........
"I dont hang around with people who would rape me" yes because i knew he would do that to me....
"maybe you should have drank less" he spiked my drink thanks...
"Well you didnt exactly say no to him did you" me..."I was almost unconcious" him " you still could have said no, if you didnt say no how was he meant to know"
"he didnt ejaculate inside you, therefore he didnt have sex with you"....ha thanks for that usefull peace of knowlege...hmm...
"I just wouldnt let myself get raped"
"in todays society saying no just isnt good enough on its own"
and all the typical get over its and stuff
Posted 01 June 2006 - 10:05 PM
Sorry I am not doing any of this very well at the moment
Do they offer two-fers? I'm volunteering mine... I hope it gets better for you Karen.
Edited by Horses4Healing, 01 June 2006 - 10:07 PM.
Posted 05 June 2006 - 12:09 AM
when i old my brother, he said , well look at the broght side, it could have been worse...(sure i could have lost all my teeth and been left oin the highway, thats not the point)
an other friend ( who was my last resort) said when i started telling: i dont wanna hear about it,
the few other people i talked to about it just didnt react and one therapist gave me this poor kitten look
Posted 19 June 2006 - 02:13 AM
Stupid things said to me...
"So since you had sex at such a young age, did it hurt the first time when you got older?"
Like it didn't hurt the first time it was forced upon me?!?!?
"How could she remember something like that?" said by my mother when my middle school guidance counselor disclosed the abuse
Like it was just some typical event that took place between niece and uncle... just another day of babysitting that any "normal" child would forget as time passes... what in the h*ll was she thinking?!?!
"Did you ever orgasm (from the abuse)?"
As if we don't carry enough shame!!!! Especially when our abusers DID manage to sexually arouse us... like I'm going to give you every detail like it was a raunchy romance novel story... I was never more taken aback or disgusted when asked that.
When finally I was able to confide in someone she asked if I had ever orgasm during the abuse......after my reply she said' Well it wasnt all bad then?' !!?
Posted 22 June 2006 - 07:11 PM
From my sister "you must have gotten it worse than me"
From a friend "that was the past you have to move on????"
From another friend "he seemed like such a nice man"
Or worse still.....utter silence and nothing else said.
Posted 04 July 2006 - 02:48 AM
Posted 06 July 2006 - 04:35 PM
I have a close friend who was sadly r*ped about a year ago now. She opens up a tiny but to me occasionally about it, and how it has affected her. Nightmares, triggers etc.
In response I have tried to open up a little bit too... I wasn't r*ped, it was assault. I think she gets the gist of what happened to me... and when she was talking about some things like nightmares I was trying to say I understood where she was coming from.. she kept saying:
"You couldn't possibly understand" and stuff that just made me sad... because it feels like my pain is seen as "inferior". I can't tell her about anything, because I KNOW she would compare me to her and say how much worse she has it.
It makes me second guess myself... but I keep telling myself that all these kind of things DO have very similar effects. Everyone is different though..
Posted 06 July 2006 - 05:23 PM
It is painful to hear this. I am sorry - there are similar effects.