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Guest Message by DevFuse


Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!

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759 replies to this topic

#76 Donna


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Posted 23 December 2005 - 04:05 PM


With an attitude like that it's great that she is no longer with the Special Victims Unit. mad.gif You're victimized enough by your perps you don't have to be again by someone who is suppose to be a supporter or atleast used to be.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that, but I am proud of you for standing your ground and saying it no matter the consequences even as harsh and hurful as most are.

hug.gif hug.gif console.gif

#77 defyodds


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Posted 24 December 2005 - 04:05 AM

I got another one today, from my dad. I think he meant well but if he did, it came out completely wrong.
He told me that if I file a police report that I have to tell him what happened and if I can't say it, I have to write it down! He said it was because the guys parents will get involved and if they call here he has to know what he's defending.

Isn't just knowing he abused me enough to defend me????

Edited by defyodds, 24 December 2005 - 04:06 AM.

#78 Donna


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Posted 24 December 2005 - 03:12 PM

I am sorry your dad has put this ultimatum up for you, it's awful! You were victimized enough by your rapist you don't need anybody including your Father telling you that you must tell your story to them. Telling what happend is your choice and yours only. To have that said to you is extremely unsupportive as well as very invalidating.

Your Father is defending his daughter, that honestly should be enough.

bighug.gif bighug.gif

#79 ava_callahan



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Posted 27 December 2005 - 09:04 AM

Some of the more recent things that have been said to me are:

From my "best friend"
"This could turn out to be a good thing, you need to learn your lesson and move on."
... I didn't know what to say.

From my aunt
"Can't you just stop thinking about it?"
If only...

#80 Guest_Dawn_*

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Posted 27 December 2005 - 09:41 AM

This is probably one that comes up a lot, but my friend said to me the other day:
'it's in the past, stop letting it haunt you and move on'
Like.....if only i could stop letting it haunt me i would...i know its in the past, but its still part of me ~ a huge huge part.... maybe i am letting it haunt me too much, maybe im too weak...i really don't know.
i just know that comments like that make me think that i should just move on regardless of how unhappy i am. its a total catch 22, i move on and im unhappy, i stay where i am and im also unhappy...im not sure what to do.


#81 Iron Butterfly

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Posted 27 December 2005 - 11:51 AM

'it's in the past, stop letting it haunt you and move on'

dawn, i've had this one or a similar one to this many times. and i agree w/ you 100%. do people actually think we enjoy the nightmares, the flashbacks, the paranoia? do we really not want to move on? give me a break! i hate the "move on" statements! hammer.gif

and lindy... i know how frustrating and hurtful it can be to be given the silent response. i used to tiptoe around the subject because i was afraid of getting the silent response as if i had done something wrong. but now, i say it loud and clear when discussing the topic and if someone is uncomfortable with the fact that i was abused and raped... well, so be it. i'm not going to be silenced by other people or their stigmas around what happened to me. it happened, i survived and i'm not embarrassed or uncomfortable in talking about it. i think you handle yourself well!

#82 Kathy

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Posted 28 December 2005 - 02:40 PM

The most damaging I've been subjected to was that my pain was not that bad. That I was just seeking attention. It's made it very hard for me to open up now about anything I'm feeling. I've been beating myself up lately for feeling this way.

#83 TalksToAngels

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Posted 29 December 2005 - 10:22 PM

From my grandmother, in response to my statement that I didn't want to invite my cousins who abused me to my wedding:

"Kids just do those things sometimes, and I don't think it's that's big of a deal."

Also, from a "friend" of 10+ years, when I was really upset and tried to confide in him:

"Geez... calm down. I have to get going. *click*"

People are so sensitive.

#84 Donna


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Posted 03 January 2006 - 01:55 PM

hug.gif (((((Golden))))) hug.gif

#85 Reality

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Posted 20 January 2006 - 01:56 PM

These are things that were said to me and below then is what I was thinking not what I said. Mostly I said nothing.

"Your sister is the inocent one"
Thanks for that one mum I was 13

"I know why your scared"
WTF? No. No you don't and you have it completely wrong

"I love you but I don't like you right now"
Thankx again mum

"You should have said something I would have done something"
Sorry I thought screaming till the cops came was good enough

"Do you really think you need to keep seeing Chris (psych)"
Yes yes yes yes yes

"I wish I never had a daughter"
Ouch even when she recanted this one hurt

"I never thought you were that thin, I didn't understand why everyone made such a fuss"
Uncle. I was 26kg but hey I guess I was fat then too.

"Did he have sex with you?"
umm hello that is what I meant when I said rape

"There is always someone worse off"
WTF? I really don't care because I am still hurting.

"Are you telling the truth"
No I though it would be funny to make up such a story. Yes I'm telling the truth.

"Can you watch the kids with the blender"
I was in a kid psych ward for cutting. Yeah sure leave me to take care of the sharp blades.

#86 JimBee


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Posted 07 February 2006 - 11:42 PM

I have often thought about the power of words.

I read a wonderful novel by the Pagan author Starhawk who first introduced me to the idea of ghosts. One of the characters in the book frequently consulted with her dead friend. Later I learned about Día de los Muertos (Day of the dead), where relatives of the departed create shrines to them to entice the departed to return and celebrate with the family. Roky Erikson wrote a song named "If You Have Ghosts" where he writes, "if you have ghosts, then you have everything".

It is important to understand the power or words. Words are magical. You can test this out by seeing someone in the morning and saying how nice they look. It's likely they will be happy to hear this. The opposite affect can be had by saying something negative. It's important to consider our words carefully and choose them wisely. They last forever which is why I mention ghosts. The ghost of a loved one especially can last forever. Have you ever found yourself asking what someone you once new would tell you in certain situations?

Tread lightly smile.gif

Edited by JimBee, 07 February 2006 - 11:47 PM.

#87 parrhesia


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Posted 28 April 2006 - 01:36 AM

My mother:

her: "I knew it, I always knew it. It was your father, wasn't it? Oh, I just knew it. Or... was it someone else in the family?"
me: All I could do was stare at her. Speechless. Completely and utterly SPEECHLESS. drop.gif

her: "This is just so upsetting for me because I always wanted your first love-making experience to be positive."
me: "...what? wait - WHAT?!?! Mom! I was raped, he raped me. It had nothing to do with sex. It was violent, it was a crime, it wasn't sex!" duh.gif

*sigh* rain.gif

#88 Haullie


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Posted 28 April 2006 - 02:03 AM

I totally agree, it doesn't matter if we are hygenically correct or not we are still at risk. You think I was as pretty as a princess when my step-father raped me back in 1991? I think not. I was far from it. It was the mind of a pedophile that put his hands on me and no other way.


#89 janny


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Posted 28 April 2006 - 03:03 AM

I can so relate to most of these coments: MAY TRIGGER!!

My mother after I had told her about some random guy pulling his stuff out in the k-mart parking lot and asking me "wanna play" while pl;aying with it. I was 14 mind you I ran to a police officer who went looking for him.

"will if you werent dressed like a tramp" I was wearing a purple t-shirt and capris. I begged the cop not to tell her but he had to.

"you are fine, I would have raped you too if I was a jerk" One of my close male friends
Your not a jerk your an as*hole-

"If I was raped after they were finished i would have said "how do You feel not that you have HIV"
I didn't give a responce. too ignorent of a comment hammer.gif hammer.gif

#90 janny


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Posted 28 April 2006 - 03:17 AM

Another one I had was when talking to my boyfriend at the time about my abuse:

"Why is it that all the girls I like have been raped or molested?"
I guess you just know how to choose them you complete JERK!!