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Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!


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#721 shlacm

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Posted 02 December 2010 - 08:40 PM

QUOTE (Shido @ Dec 2 2010, 08:17 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
"But you're a man."

Wow! duh.gif

#722 annieonymous

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Posted 04 December 2010 - 05:02 AM

QUOTE (MortalGoddess @ Dec 2 2010, 08:25 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Can I post some of what my alters said?


absolutely. that might be even more hurtful than what people who live outside your body would say. anyways, i'd be very interested to hear that.

i don't have alters, but "singletons" (non-DID folks) often have conflicted consciousness. i have said more invalidating things to myself than anyone else! hm, maybe we should all post on here what we have said to ourselves, whether that be what alters have said or what we as a singleton said to ourself!

i have said things like "stop your f*cking whining you pathetic little b*tch" ... don't say that anymore, tho, thank god.


#723 jlandrith

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Posted 04 December 2010 - 08:57 PM

QUOTE (shlacm @ Dec 2 2010, 08:40 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE (Shido @ Dec 2 2010, 08:17 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
"But you're a man."

Wow! duh.gif


Double duh.gif duh.gif

#724 jlandrith

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Posted 04 December 2010 - 09:37 PM

From a female survivor on another forum: "At some point you must have wanted it."

Yeah, I really wanted to be drugged, raped and blackmailed. Do me a favor and don't tell me what I did and did not want. Did you want to be raped? Or cannot you just not get past that fact that a woman can use her vagina to rape a man same as a man can use his penis? Is your brain really that inflexible and your bias so defined????

Another female survivor: "I don't understand why you didn't just say no BEFORE you went to sleep."

UMMMMM, what part of DRUGGED AND UNABLE TO CONSENT is so hard for your to understand you ________ clueless wonder????

Countless "tough" guys: "I'd have thrown her off" or "I'd have kicked that _______'s ass."

Yeah, I'm so sure that you'd have risked hurting a pregnant woman and her fetus in order to maintain your precious status as an alpha male wannabe tough guy. How about you shut up and go back to your action movies and six pack of whatever beer happens to be cheapest this week. I don't need your input.

From another female survivor: "I'd like to hear her side of it."

Why does my rapist get a vote? Because she has a vagina? So that makes it okay to look for excuses to rationalize what she did??? How about no, you don't get to "hear her side of it" you clueless, invalidating so and so.

Gonna stop here as I'm starting to get triggered and very angry. However, this would make an excellent and very therapeutic blog entry. I'm gonna have to publish an extended version there.

Edited by jlandrith, 04 December 2010 - 09:40 PM.


#725 Shido

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Posted 06 December 2010 - 08:12 PM

QUOTE (jlandrith @ Dec 5 2010, 11:37 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
From a female survivor on another forum: "At some point you must have wanted it."

Yeah, I really wanted to be drugged, raped and blackmailed. Do me a favor and don't tell me what I did and did not want. Did you want to be raped? Or cannot you just not get past that fact that a woman can use her vagina to rape a man same as a man can use his penis? Is your brain really that inflexible and your bias so defined????

Another female survivor: "I don't understand why you didn't just say no BEFORE you went to sleep."

UMMMMM, what part of DRUGGED AND UNABLE TO CONSENT is so hard for your to understand you ________ clueless wonder????

Countless "tough" guys: "I'd have thrown her off" or "I'd have kicked that _______'s ass."

Yeah, I'm so sure that you'd have risked hurting a pregnant woman and her fetus in order to maintain your precious status as an alpha male wannabe tough guy. How about you shut up and go back to your action movies and six pack of whatever beer happens to be cheapest this week. I don't need your input.

From another female survivor: "I'd like to hear her side of it."

Why does my rapist get a vote? Because she has a vagina? So that makes it okay to look for excuses to rationalize what she did??? How about no, you don't get to "hear her side of it" you clueless, invalidating so and so.

Gonna stop here as I'm starting to get triggered and very angry. However, this would make an excellent and very therapeutic blog entry. I'm gonna have to publish an extended version there.



Parts of this made me laugh...in a 'good lord I know what you're talking about' kind of way. Like the awkward laughter in realizing you're not the only cripple in the room unsure.gif

#726 foggy172

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Posted 11 December 2010 - 12:22 AM

So much of this seems to be divided into two camps: the clueless people who just dont know that SA has profound effects, and the "I couldnt care less and will kick anyone when the're down" ones. I'll take clueless any day but most people succumb to the base part of human nature that makes us attack the . Because in our minds vulnerability is always a punishable offense.

#727 mnaj

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Posted 11 December 2010 - 01:59 AM

To my sister who told me "I know when you've had s*x, I'll be able to tell"

This coming a few years after her boyfriend m*l*sted me in my own room and I was date r*p*d by my boyfriend at age 16.

Yeah, you could tell!!! Still angry about that simple little phrase 20 years later.

hammer.gif hammer.gif hammer.gif

Edited by mnaj, 11 December 2010 - 01:59 AM.


#728 ariamelody

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Posted 21 December 2010 - 06:18 PM

After my pregnancy/STD screening tests came back negative

Mom: Well, atleast nothing really bad happened...

#729 MortalGoddess

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Posted 21 December 2010 - 07:33 PM

From my alters:

"You should have been P's w**re when he offered. Then you wouldn't be such a frigid b*itch too afraid to be naked in front of your mate." Um...wow, she was there, she's an alter. And at the time, she was saying something much different.

"You chose to date Q, not us. E (an alter "created" to be Q's slave) is your fault, not ours. You should have done what he wanted."

"Aaww, it didn't hurt that much." This was about a form of sexual SI that could have done a lot of damage. I think "hurt" is an understatement since I couldn't walk straight for a few hours.

"What are you whining about, he didn't rape you." Thanks so much N. Yes, oral rape is much less traumatizing because it's not vaginal rape. So while I was choking during the act and having an asthma attack after...right, it wasn't horrible at all.


Counselor:

"That must have hurt." No sh*t! Of course it hurt, I trusted him! ARGH!

"Mmhm. What next? How did you feel?" Hello, a**hole, I told you not ten minutes ago I have alters and disocciate...do you not realize the reason "I'm" clawing at the toy dog in my hands is because I'm not exactly in a safe mindset. Wtf, don't ask something like that?! Do you even have a heart?

(professor) "Are you ok?" Sure, I'm fine, I'm dropped my phone and am staring at you in shock because I had a flashback for the fun of it. Idiot! I hate that prof, and I have her next semester.


(as suggested by Annieonymus) What I've said to myself:

"I deserved it. I knew the warning signs, and after the first time, there was no excuse. That's what I get for staying."

"There's a lot of survivors that have it a lot worse than you. Why are you crying?" Actually (no insult meant) but that seems to be common for a lot of people, survivors of any abuse or not.

#730 foggy172

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Posted 30 December 2010 - 06:48 PM

From my mother, said completely seriously:

"When r*pe is inevitable, lie down relax and enjoy it."

Same woman who tried to teach me that women "owe" it to men to spread their legs on demand, regardless of how they feel about it. Thanks, mom. Still not over that one.

#731 briarrosa

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Posted 31 December 2010 - 01:14 AM

QUOTE (foggy172 @ Dec 30 2010, 03:48 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
From my mother, said completely seriously:

"When r*pe is inevitable, lie down relax and enjoy it."

Same woman who tried to teach me that women "owe" it to men to spread their legs on demand, regardless of how they feel about it. Thanks, mom. Still not over that one.


ughh foggy,
THAT is unbelievable!!!! I'm so sorry she said that to you. sad.gif
safe hugs if ok
hug.gif hug.gif hug.gif

#732 kena64

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Posted 31 December 2010 - 01:15 AM

From a lot of people:

"This is depressing. I don't want to think about it."
Aw no. That's awful. You have to think about it? Gee, I don't know what I'd do if I had to think about it. Oh wait, I do. Everyday. Thanks for the support.

Point out ways that I could have prevented it.
Yeah because I haven't thought of that before and beat myself up about it.

This random guy I told one time for some reason because he said that he was a good listener. yeah right.

"If you don't remember it why does it bother you?"
I said I don't remember parts of it. And it bothers me because I can't remember everything.

"Yeah, a lot of girls say stuff like that to make guys feel sorry for them"
No comment on this one.

From my ex boyfriend one time when he was really frustrated:

"Chill out! It's not really a big deal!"
Excuse me?!

From his best friend:

"He probably just didn't understand that you didn't want it."
I don't know, I feel like when I told him to stop and leave and he told me that he wasn't going to leave until he got what he wanted, he pretty much understood that I wasn't happy and didn't care.

From one of his friends who called me to tell me what a sl*t I am:

"Yeah, I've heard your so called rape story. I know him. He is way too sweet to do that! You were the one who seduced him. You're such a sl*t!"
Excuse me but were you there? I was definitely not being seductive! Unless you are seduced by people crying and begging you to leave them alone. Also, yeah No sh*t he seems sweet. Do you think I would have gone out with him in the first place if he just walked up to me and said "hey! I'm a rapist"? I thought he was sweet too. that's why I let him alone with me!


#733 briarrosa

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Posted 31 December 2010 - 01:29 AM

Here's an old one, (I was 18) but I need to get it off my chest. Said by an ex bf when I told him of my older brother's sexual assaults on me as a young girl. (My brother is 4 years older than me.)

"Oh that wasn't really anything. You were both just kids. My ex-girlfriend, however, she really suffered at the hands of her uncle."

Talk about invalidation. And because he told me that it was nothing, I repressed the abuse by my father as well. I repressed my memories and silenced my feelings and never told anyone else for 15 more years. cry.gif

#734 briarrosa

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Posted 31 December 2010 - 01:34 AM

QUOTE (kena64 @ Dec 30 2010, 10:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
From a lot of people:

"This is depressing. I don't want to think about it."
Aw no. That's awful. You have to think about it? Gee, I don't know what I'd do if I had to think about it. Oh wait, I do. Everyday. Thanks for the support.


hi Kena, ^ this one stood out for me. how about, Aw, so sorry you find it hard to think about. i wonder how hard you would find it to actually have to experience it then. mad.gif hammer.gif hammer.gif mad.gif

Edited by briarrosa, 31 December 2010 - 01:36 AM.


#735 Archie

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Posted 31 December 2010 - 01:35 AM

From my husband:
"I was talking to a woman at work today and she told me some stuff about her - kind of makes your life pale in comparison."
Doesn't sound like much but ouch to me.