I think the worst one for me was when I went to the college psychologist (I was made to see her this spring because I had some SI/suicide stuff going on in early February) and I had just been sexually assaulted on the subway. She said "Well, I told you to never go out alone. See what happens to you when you do that?" First off, its one thing to go out alone at midnight and ride the subway, but its totally different when its around 11 am and there are tons of people around. And the last time I checked, psychologists are supposed to help you, not make the situation worse!!!!!
Lindsay
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Guest Message by DevFuse
Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!
Started by
Vera
, Jan 12 2004 05:10 PM
759 replies to this topic
#47
mariposa
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- Member
- 1,970 posts
<Reclaiming my wings>
Posted 13 June 2004 - 09:57 PM
Lindsay:
that's unbelievable!!!!! where did that person get her degree??? and even worse, did she grow up in the middle of the jungle? how the hell could she have such little compassion?...that's just plain wrong...especially from someone who is supposed to be a professional who knows what you are going through, etc.
PS: no offense to the jungle people here
that's unbelievable!!!!! where did that person get her degree??? and even worse, did she grow up in the middle of the jungle? how the hell could she have such little compassion?...that's just plain wrong...especially from someone who is supposed to be a professional who knows what you are going through, etc.
PS: no offense to the jungle people here
Edited by mariposa, 14 June 2004 - 07:35 PM.
#48
Survivors sanctuary
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- Contributing Member
- 7,080 posts
We were beset by conflicts without and by fears within
Posted 14 June 2004 - 06:13 AM
MY god ...It just goes to show how badly trained some so called "experts" are.. and why I think it is important that we keep talking to each other and get our stories out there when we can. 
What an a*se hole, I hope that someday all people in that position are aware of how stupid that sort of talk is..I still can't quite believe it!!!!!!!
What an a*se hole, I hope that someday all people in that position are aware of how stupid that sort of talk is..I still can't quite believe it!!!!!!!
#49
sojourner
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- Member
- 125 posts
Posted 15 June 2004 - 02:35 PM
When I first went throughthe flashbacks I got really angry about people saying things like:
Get over it
Maybe he had a reason for doing what he did, you don't know what might have been going on in his life.
But it was so long ago, why does it matter now?
At least you have your arms and legs, you aren't crippled.
Count your blessings
Forget about it, its the past
You shouldn't talk about it, especially not in public
Why did it take you so long to come forward?
It wasn't really rape if you didn't fight
It wasn't really rape if you didn't scream and yell
Why didn't you say anything?
One time, after hearing one of these things I remembered that I had said the same thing to others. And I read over this list and I have to admit that I say some of these things to myself, even now. So sometimes, when I have the energy, when I hear a hurtful statement of ignorance about rape or abuse I try to use it as an opportunity to educate someone. But only if I like the person.
Get over it
Maybe he had a reason for doing what he did, you don't know what might have been going on in his life.
But it was so long ago, why does it matter now?
At least you have your arms and legs, you aren't crippled.
Count your blessings
Forget about it, its the past
You shouldn't talk about it, especially not in public
Why did it take you so long to come forward?
It wasn't really rape if you didn't fight
It wasn't really rape if you didn't scream and yell
Why didn't you say anything?
One time, after hearing one of these things I remembered that I had said the same thing to others. And I read over this list and I have to admit that I say some of these things to myself, even now. So sometimes, when I have the energy, when I hear a hurtful statement of ignorance about rape or abuse I try to use it as an opportunity to educate someone. But only if I like the person.
#50
dereliktdauter
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- New Member
- 112 posts
warrior
Posted 16 June 2004 - 11:11 PM
maybe *T*
"all he did was touch you" - my mother (about my father who shes still married to)
and thats not all he did mom... and are fathers really supposed to stick their hands in their daughters underwear on a regular basis?
"why don't you get over it and let it go" - my mother
i let her have it and totally went off on her and it felt soooooooooooo good
"all he did was touch you" - my mother (about my father who shes still married to)
and thats not all he did mom... and are fathers really supposed to stick their hands in their daughters underwear on a regular basis?
"why don't you get over it and let it go" - my mother
i let her have it and totally went off on her and it felt soooooooooooo good
#51
Ellaneese
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- Member
- 292 posts
Finding Hope
Posted 17 June 2004 - 05:59 PM
My Mother who still says that my abuse NEVER happened was trying to convince me of that, I have very little memory of my abuse and I don't know exactly where or who and she says it couldn't have happened then she said:
"I just don't see how it's possible, unless it happened at someone else's house and you enjoyed it so much you kept going back for more"
I hung up the phone, I thought I would die.
I had a friend that I told about my abuse......the first (and only) I've told since I moved here.
She said
"well, my father raped me for 3 years and I made peace with him and my mother who never left him, so i don't know what your problem is"
I find it hard to beleive that is true........if she was abused, she'd know how it feels
Ellaneese
"I just don't see how it's possible, unless it happened at someone else's house and you enjoyed it so much you kept going back for more"
I hung up the phone, I thought I would die.
I had a friend that I told about my abuse......the first (and only) I've told since I moved here.
She said
"well, my father raped me for 3 years and I made peace with him and my mother who never left him, so i don't know what your problem is"
I find it hard to beleive that is true........if she was abused, she'd know how it feels
Ellaneese
#52
Guest_queenie_*
Guest_queenie_*
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- Guests
Posted 23 June 2004 - 11:31 PM
When I worked as a receptionist in a spa the owner knew and said
"well you are responsible just as him...I mean you were drinking so you were the happy party in it too..."
"well you are responsible just as him...I mean you were drinking so you were the happy party in it too..."
#53
aquapit
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- Member
- 1,394 posts
~Beauty is all around~
Posted 24 June 2004 - 03:47 AM
An ex-friend of mine emailed this to me, "Girls/Women should just know that they can't go and do things that guys can do... I mean it's not all the mans fault if he rapes a woman that's drunk in his appt with him! Women have to learn that they can't get away with teasing men."
This was me when I read this--->
ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?!!!!!!!
So I wrote back to this person, "So just because I'm a girl I shouldn't be entitled to the same rights to safety and freedom as you?! Why is it that you can do what the hell you want to do and not fear me, but I can't do the same as you without fearing you?...cause you're a guy?! I'm human just like you, no better, no worse, I'm equal, just like you!" --->Now that I think about that last line I think maybe I was wrong... I don't see myself as equal to him... I would never put myself on that low of a level to be equal to him.
Tracy
This was me when I read this--->
ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?!!!!!!! So I wrote back to this person, "So just because I'm a girl I shouldn't be entitled to the same rights to safety and freedom as you?! Why is it that you can do what the hell you want to do and not fear me, but I can't do the same as you without fearing you?...cause you're a guy?! I'm human just like you, no better, no worse, I'm equal, just like you!" --->Now that I think about that last line I think maybe I was wrong... I don't see myself as equal to him... I would never put myself on that low of a level to be equal to him.
Tracy
#54
Guest_queenie_*
Guest_queenie_*
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- Guests
Posted 24 June 2004 - 11:48 AM
Tracy
You are right you are not at the same level with him....YOU ARE BETTER THAN HIM.... Oh and so sorry to your friend...lord forbid they be accountable for their actions when they are drunk...It is NEVER anybody's fault if they are Raped.
Sorry But what an ignornant PIG! You're right Tracy You're not PIG you are MUCH better then him..
You are right you are not at the same level with him....YOU ARE BETTER THAN HIM.... Oh and so sorry to your friend...lord forbid they be accountable for their actions when they are drunk...It is NEVER anybody's fault if they are Raped.
Sorry But what an ignornant PIG! You're right Tracy You're not PIG you are MUCH better then him..
#55
va_angel87
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- Member
- 167 posts
Dye mon, gen mon
Posted 05 October 2005 - 11:31 AM
About my CSA
-"Well it didn't matter if you were six, you just laid there and let him feel, what is wrong with you?"
-"Something is terribly wrong with you, what do you mean you were scared and confused and you didn't know what he was doing." (Like all six year olds are just scholars on oral sex and masturbation)
About my first r*pe
-"Well, why did you date someone older and bigger than you anyway" (What the hell was that supposed to mean)
-"You wore a skirt so you obviously wanted some, why didn't you just take advantage of the opportunity and enjoy the sh*t." (What the f*ck is wrong with people, are you f*cking nuts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You've gotta be f*cking kidding me!!!!!!!!
)
About my second r*pe
-"You act like he was actually going to shoot you, get real, you were scared for nothing." (F*ck outta here, like I was just supposed to be like, oh he just has a gun to make me feel better)
-"Well it didn't matter if you were six, you just laid there and let him feel, what is wrong with you?"
-"Something is terribly wrong with you, what do you mean you were scared and confused and you didn't know what he was doing." (Like all six year olds are just scholars on oral sex and masturbation)
About my first r*pe
-"Well, why did you date someone older and bigger than you anyway" (What the hell was that supposed to mean)
-"You wore a skirt so you obviously wanted some, why didn't you just take advantage of the opportunity and enjoy the sh*t." (What the f*ck is wrong with people,
are you f*cking nuts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You've gotta be f*cking kidding me!!!!!!!!)About my second r*pe
-"You act like he was actually going to shoot you, get real, you were scared for nothing." (F*ck outta here, like I was just supposed to be like, oh he just has a gun to make me feel better)
#56
Iron Butterfly
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- Member
- 383 posts
As strong as iron... yet as elegant as a butterfly!
Posted 05 October 2005 - 11:56 AM
I am so appalled by some of these comments mostly b/c i've endured some of my own.
From a couple of ex-friends on my rape by a guy I was dating:
You can't get raped by your boyfriend. (Funny, b/c I did!)
I think you are just feeling guilty about having sex. (Though I am a recovering Catholic, I was never brought up to feel guilty about sex. Perhaps I was raped and someone else should be feeling guilty. Just a thought.)
From some adults who got word of my molestation by the priest:
He's a priest. He's celibate. (Well, he was supposed to be, but I wasn't the first or the last, my friends.)
Priests don't molest girls (Oh, ok... so we would feel more upset and angry if I were a boy. That's just ridiculous!)
From a couple of ex-friends on my rape by a guy I was dating:
You can't get raped by your boyfriend. (Funny, b/c I did!)
I think you are just feeling guilty about having sex. (Though I am a recovering Catholic, I was never brought up to feel guilty about sex. Perhaps I was raped and someone else should be feeling guilty. Just a thought.)
From some adults who got word of my molestation by the priest:
He's a priest. He's celibate. (Well, he was supposed to be, but I wasn't the first or the last, my friends.)
Priests don't molest girls (Oh, ok... so we would feel more upset and angry if I were a boy. That's just ridiculous!)
#57
-Nicole-
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- Contributing Member
- 5,474 posts
Be Still
Posted 05 October 2005 - 12:06 PM
I told my friend, a woman who is a survivor of child sexual abuse, that I was raped and she said,
"Well was it just like date rape or something like that?"
WTF does it matter? RAPE IS RAPE! I have struggled with not feeling like my attack was bad enough from the beginning, and this really didn't help!
My mother, when I told her, said questioningly,
"Okay, well why don't you tell me exactly what happened."
I suppose she wanted to hear my story and decide for herself if it was in fact rape.
Nicole
"Well was it just like date rape or something like that?"
WTF does it matter? RAPE IS RAPE! I have struggled with not feeling like my attack was bad enough from the beginning, and this really didn't help!My mother, when I told her, said questioningly,
"Okay, well why don't you tell me exactly what happened."
I suppose she wanted to hear my story and decide for herself if it was in fact rape. Nicole
#58
Irish Dance Lass 20
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- Member
- 3,182 posts
Irish Dance Lass 20
Posted 05 October 2005 - 02:08 PM
I mostly get "you think your experience was bad? there are kids in third world countries who are molested and worse everyday, who are starving who have aids. Now do you think what happened to you is that bad?"
And with a couple I used to work for. I was close friends with them before working for them as their children's nanny.I told them a year ago this week because Cathy was telling people at my old high school (where she works) how weird I am,how nervous I am around her husband and how absolutely weird I am.They have stopped speaking to me and they've told me they no longer want their children around me.
And with a couple I used to work for. I was close friends with them before working for them as their children's nanny.I told them a year ago this week because Cathy was telling people at my old high school (where she works) how weird I am,how nervous I am around her husband and how absolutely weird I am.They have stopped speaking to me and they've told me they no longer want their children around me.
#59
Lindsay
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- Member
- 1,983 posts
Be proud of who you are. You only live once!
Posted 05 October 2005 - 02:41 PM
The second person I ever told was my biological sister. Who was adotped with me as well. Her reply was "Well you just can't blame him for what happened" What the f*ck, I thought her and I were super close. I didn't say anything. I just stood there and cried. And she walked away. How ignorant and stupid and mean and cruel can people be.
Lindsay
Lindsay
#60
Haullie
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- Member
- 4,753 posts
Resurrecting my soul...
Posted 05 October 2005 - 03:08 PM
QUOTE(Peacegirl @ Jun 13 2004, 07:35 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think the worst one for me was when I went to the college psychologist (I was made to see her this spring because I had some SI/suicide stuff going on in early February) and I had just been sexually assaulted on the subway. She said "Well, I told you to never go out alone. See what happens to you when you do that?" First off, its one thing to go out alone at midnight and ride the subway, but its totally different when its around 11 am and there are tons of people around. And the last time I checked, psychologists are supposed to help you, not make the situation worse!!!!!
Lindsay
Lindsay
Lindsay,
This reminds me of what you said regarding the Bystander effect. When there were so many witnesses to what happened to you and no one did a damn thing to help. There were a lot of people around, that's like saying you're not allowed to have a life. Safety of course is an issue but who's to say what is safe and what is not. Everyone is at risk of being assaulted at any time, unless their standing up in front of a presedential debate, come on!
Love, Haullie
